October 27, 2004

snails redux


are snails evil?

Snails- useless shits that eat all the nice plants in your garden, yet the garden is as weedy as ever. the point? snails are useless and really dislike you.

One Fact, you walk slower when you think. the harder you think the slower you walk.

But the walk REALLY slow. taking the above fact to its logical conclusion snails should be the smartest mofos in the history of the universe, having time to contremplate both quantum physics and european law at the same time.

Snails coulld get a first in your exam, but they wont, they hate you and your garden, snails are evil QED


something curious


i was wondering about things (always a dodgy sign) and it struck me,
sometimes when you text message someone and you really have nothing to say but you just message someone and then ramble on a bit. finally you think of something to say also by this time youve written about two pages of crap and you realise that your only reason for this is to hear form someone you havent been in contact with for ages.

Even more curious is the fact that this person is someone that you should possibly dislike, as they really are someone who is really, really self obsesssed, but you still try to keep intouch cos something inside of you is tugging away saying they might just be the coolest thing to ever happen to you.


October 20, 2004


did anyone notice it raining this morning?
my my that was a bit heavy was not it?
a few things about when it rains
also i got here at about half seven to avoid the traffic.

*firstly i love the way that even though that you get totally drenched
through you still manage to wipe your feet beofre going in. still
anavoidably leaving a trail of water the Nile would be ashamed to stand next

*jeans are a rival in sponginess than sponges in their absorption
efficiency, i kid you not my jeans are atleast 2 times weight at the moments
just cos i swam accross university house carpark.

*finally i feel sorry for anyone with the foresight to bring an umbrella
only to find that the wind screws it up leaving the person defenseless
against the mighty torrent.

see ya

hmmm odd


'survival of the fittest' what a shit phrase. i mean its so damn vague and
quite clearly untrue. For example i dont think anyone could truly describe
any of these animals 'fit' ( in either sense of the word) – Sloths, Pandas
or frickin Snails. (although pandas are cute n fuzzy in a huggable way _)
the phrase should be changed to 'things that are getting along okay may
continue to live' or 'survival idol' or something.

orange racism

the contents of oranges and orange juice with pulp are essentialy the same
(if orange juice contains real orange pulp, then wouldnt it be cool if
orange juice carton manufacturer people wrote on boxes ' Real Orange Pulp – Not Pulp FIction! Ahem). both contain 100% pure orange juice (i assume my
carton isnt lying and i think its fair to say the juice of an orange is
probably 100% orange juice) and they both contain pulp. However is it
feasible to imagine an orange juice carton going out on date with oranges?
and in the supermarket the oranges hang nowhere near the orange juices, 'its
whats on the inside that counts' my arse!

Finally something happened to me this week when walking from the carpark to
the library

Zookeeper ' please donot feed the tiger'
Me 'then for the love of god help me get my leg out of its bloody mouth!'


moral dilemmas and a pun (not strictly in this order)

hello friends! no snails this time!

1) connecticut, is this a state in America or is it 'honour among thieves'?
(say it out loud)

2) moral dilemma

You are the owner of a factory, more specifically a biscuit factory, because
we are in britain.
as the owner of this factory you have decided to employ workers of multi
origin, ie both people and puppets.

specifially in your workforce is a muppet named Elmo. now elmo had a friend
who is addicted to biscuits, specifically cookies, we shall keep this person
anonymous. the point is our little red worker elmo hs been stealing
biscuits, so many so that he wont be able to pay back the cost with his
wages (his friend has a serious issue). The point is if it came down to it
is t actually physically possible to FIRE Elmo? i dont know what to do!!!


snails 2

*okay firstly sorry about going on about it but if ya want just delete it,
else read on, also if you might be offended by any thing ever dont read*


Okay this hass been bugging me WHAT is the bloomin point of snails? I mean
man they are sooo lame . i figure i t must have gone something like this,
'the creator of all living things'(tm) lets call it TC for short- must have
a soft spot for slugs. let me explain, what follows is how a conversation
might have gone

TC- darwin, mate i aint got a clue, i got these slugs right, and i
really like em slugs but they too slow! they get eaten by birds!
Darwin- why dont you make em faster?
TC- nah cant do that mate already given em super intelligence that would be
damn unfair, cant have things being unfair can we Darz man?
D- okay how bout you give them a protective shell that also works as their

And for a while slugs roamed around with three bedroom semidetacheds on
their backs, which stopped the birds, until everyone realised, the slugs
couldnt move to catch their sole prey- plants- they were just damn
inconveniant and thus we have slugs with smaller shells, snails
they still get eaten by birds but who cares?

By the way If snails so smart how come you always end up with roses
diein cos they got tons of holes, but the garden is still as weedy as ever?
Another sign that they hate us

Apologies RANT OVER



Snails are not very nice are they? Icky n Slimy eww

Theory Okay try this walk accross the your room or any pre difined distance.
and time youself. Just a wak will do no runnig here please. So what kind of
time did you get,, faster than the speed of light? possibly not but the time
is unimportant.

Now try this Walk accros the same distance only this time think about
reciting the alphabet backwards in your head while you walk accros this
space. and time it again. Notice something different? Your time should be
slower than previously.(unless you already know the alphabet backwards in
which case there was no THOUGHT process and you my friend are a crazy kat)

SO whats this got to do with anything? THINKING WHILE WALKING = SLOW WALKING
a simple equation, now if you consider the alsphabet rudimentry what about
if it was quantum physics or something equally nasty, would you walk slower
still? im thinkin YES

Snails- they walk quite slowly WHY? they are possibly the lamest animals in
the world next to earthworms, in terms of general lameness, they do very little
get crushed on wet dark nights and mess up your garden, and move really
slowly. SO they must exist or have survived for some reason right??
(the fact that the food they go after is stationary at best is irrelavent)

Lets say walk speed is proportional to hardness of thinking, thsi would
imply that snails are thinking all the time! AND at that speed the thoughts
might not JUST be of Quantum Physics but EUROPEAN LAW for example at the
same time. THey coukld do our exams in a snatch- BUT THEY WONT

WHY? because i am under the impression that they are very pissed off at
their public image, why should they help 'the oppressive human'? SO there we
go PISSED OFF LITTLE GITS living in your garden. enjoy

By SnK

damned purple sweets

the lemon flavoured opal fruits have been eliminated. and the green ones are
lemon-lime (or sprite flavour if you want) not just regular lime!

i remember back in the day when we were allowed a choice in the matter,
'shall i have the lemon or the lime one' lemon OR lime. why did they feel it
necessary to lump the two crappiest flavours out of all opal fruits into one
hybrid crap flavour? I suppose it may be considered a good thing reducing
the number of crap flavours into from two to one (straberry, orange being
nice and the other two being awful , by the way lemon/lime lovers you are
soooo wrong) meaning if you really wanted you only need to chuck one
sweet(or give it away) out as opposed to two, HURRAH!

Oh Wait whats this….

replace the vacated spot with…... Blackcurrant, eeeew now officially the
rankest flavour of the lot ( and by shear coincidence the one you get most
of in a tube and also the one at the top and bottom of the tube THANK YOU SO

i aint even gonna start on the name change ( ok just a little- Starburst…
Pff i think youll find the technical term is SUPER NOVA, idiots )

good night people

who rules the world

now before you dismiss this as guff let me asure you there is absolutely
some vital evidence tha may be neglected to be nmentioned here but alas it
probably is somewhere

first a question
what is the one thing that toppled thje french monarchy? some people may
fool you into thinking that it was poverty or such nonsense, how ever th key
lies in the famous line

"let them eat cake"

quite clearly this is the Evidence that suggests that Cake is indeed the
primary influence for causing the toppling of the french monarchy, dont
beleive me, offer some person you knwo some cake and suddenly their
personality will change, thoroughly influenced by the POWER of CAKE

lets see how far the conspiracy goes-

WHo owns the major cake companies lets say
Otis Spunkmeyer, Coombs and The daddy mack of them all Kipling

Hold on whats this O S C K or possibly SOCK!
yes indeed people the great CAKE conspirators DO OWN SOCKS!
THink About it WHo protects the Sock- its the shoes!
now consider the further evidence
Addidas, Nike, Reebok etc THe biigest shoe firms in The UNIVERSE!
But closer to home who is in the POCKET of every sho firm on this planet,
ONLY the most influential people to OUR YOUTH of TODAY- thats correct SPORTS
THe CAKES hold the influence

But surely they donthave the govenrment?
Well consider this EVERY GOVERNMENT army in the WORLD wears-thats correct,

NOT only do they have the INFLUENCE but ALSO the FORCE!
take your shoes off for a moment (SHOES!) and what do you have on? SOCKS-
they already have us in there control, WHY ? because they ALSO control the
weather (why else wear socks)

this warning was created form information collected/made up
by Kunal and Ed

ten things not so bad abiout lab

1) its better than being a dartboard

2) atleast if the experiment goes wrong there is no chance of nuclear
fallout occuring

3)its really hot inside labs but atleast there are drinks (overpriced)
outside- better than being in a desert!

4) again with the hotness- no need for expensive sauna memberships, just sit
in Elec lab for twnty minutes and… actually scratch that one

5) atleast in labs there are no blue pixies

6) instead of blowing up your flat with all your ikea stuff and burning your
hand and making best friends with the ultimate anarchist, jsut go to labs to
reach rock bottom ( i think labs is the easier way)

7) you meet nice people

8) making that arm wiggle around and make a graph ojn hte computer screen is
quite cool (IMHO)

9) lab reports make you want to tear your hair out (save money on haircuts-
conced point for people who actually like there hair longish and neat)

10) erm…yes well conclusive lab is … something if not… not sure but
almost certainly on mondays and tues days.

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