All entries for Monday 07 December 2009
December 07, 2009
My lover, in a white dress of no one's making, is standing with a white wolf drinking gin; with a slice of lemon in the bowl. Spools of silk hang as she is smiling with her eyes and looking at me with her mouth. The moth is glaring at me while he polishes his glasses. Such obstacles, such straight, flat topped obstacles are irksome to weave through to reach her. She is out of my grasp. The stars float out of the fan and the taxi drives out from beneath her skirts. Time to go home.
Rainbow-- rainbow, rainbow, rainbow, rainbow, orb wain, brain ow, wan rib o, ran i bow, nab won ri.
Time is rainbow o'clock.
Burn the colours.
Construct the rainbow house.
Roasting in a rainbow robe.
Orb in the rain, bow in the sky.
"We'll be together forever. We are bound by strong ties, Alice. The betrayl and this action mean that we will never part. We are joined in blood and murder!"
He stands over the corpse of my husband and I gaze at him. Was this a mistake? I cannot deny that I plotted and schemed and dreamed about this. Laughed about it even. But do I really want eternity with Bob? Now the deed has been done I'm not so certain. I'm beginning to despise him already. "For God's sake this isn't a play. You don't have to be so dramatic!" I take out a cigarette.
He drops the bloodied knife in surprise. "Sorry darling, I just...well, it doesn't matter."
Conflict With A God
"You murdered my family, killed all my flocks, and cursed me with boils and disease. For what? For what reason?"
"It was, I'm afraid, to prove a point."
"The point being?"
"That now matter what happened to you, no matter what hardships I brought upon you, you would still love me."
"Well, erm, the other gods said you would only love me so long as I blessed you and allowed things to go well for you. I said I would prove them wrong. Which I'm happy to believe I did...Until now."
"Wait, let me get this straight. You destroyed everything, everything I hold dear. Ruined my family, health and livelihood...because you were feeling insecure in front of all the other gods? Because you wanted to look, "cool" and worthy to them?"
"I can tell by your tone mortal that you think it was a petty action on my part--"
"Of course I don't, why on earth would I think that? It takes skill and effort to destroy everything and your reason must have been important, a matter of grave importance in fact."
"But you don't understand the pressure I was under! They are so harsh to me and I knew you would understand, that you would pass the test, because you love me. But they wanted proof, evidence...They have no faith in humans."
"Of course. And you couldn't disappoint them. I get it."
"You understand then?"
"No. No, I don't. And I don't want to. I'll see you around...Asshole"
"You know, Job wasn't this harsh with his God! And he had it much worse than you!"
The dream came again last night, or rather memory hijacked my dream state and pushed itself to the foreground. It doesn't ambush me as often as it used to but it still calls round every month or so; and each time it does it plays out in pretty much the same way.
I'm lying on my back with my limbs bound and I'm looking up at a painfully bright blue sky. It takes up my whole view, curving round my eyes like an arch. I can hear voices muttering to my left and now and again a girl's voice as she giggles.
I try to wriggle free, even though I know after all these replays that it is impossible to get free. This attracts their attention. I tried not moving once, but it didn't help and in the end I had to make an effort to get free. It seems I can't escape this.
"He's awake." a voice calls out, off-hand, and a shadow falls over my blue sky.
I'm lifted up and see a pale face above me, taking up my entire view. He doesn't look at me though as he asks someone "You sure there's enough on him?"
"Yeah, it'll be fine. He's practically smothered by the stuff."
I begin to panic at this part because I know what's coming next.
The others gather in closer and begin to jeer and laugh. Their peach coloured faces are flushed and Amber looks like a peach on fire.
My ankles are held and I hang upside down. I'm now looking at the ground. Then I am spinning. There are flashes of blue, green, peach and grey before I am released and I feel myself flying, almost floating. There is a unique feeling of pure weightlessness and I know it is taking much longer than it should. I feel like I'm flying for hours. This should be nice, but I'm screaming the entire time because I know what will happen when I land. I know I will hit a solid board and that it will be like a brick wall. I know I will not stick to it as they hoped but bounce off and break most of my limbs and fracture my skull. And the others will laugh and the girls will scream with surprise...only Amber, my desired bitch angel, will call for help.
But this never happens, because just before the impact I always wake up and find myself in my room. Safe, but scarred.