October 09, 2008

So, what, I'm a student? Holy crap.

So, suddenly... somehow. I'm a student. Strange enough, huh? Wasn't it yesterday when I felt that everybody else was so big and serious and I myself would always be funny and active and everywhere? Or was yesterday when I wasted loads of lifetime hanging around at my computer? Or wasn't it yesterday that I had my first day working in this home for the psychic handicapped? These nine months can't be over. And then, four month making my Yoga teachers course and traveling through south India?

And now I'm a student? Naw.

Can't be. Strange enough. And one for Philosphy. Philosphy with Psychology. what strange degree. Certainly for the crazy and useless. For those people that never wash and sit at bus stations watching other people chatting. Yeah, one of those. Could that be me? Naw. Ok, well, actually...... no, it's too cold.

And then, the student tuition fee loan? How would I ever pay that back? It's those philosophers, right, that always just live on the street or drive taxis. I should have a chat with those drivers always standing around the corner. Maybe they did this course last year. So, what is this post for? Dunno. You're reading it, not me.

I'm just writing my crazy thoughts. And then, the most strange of all of them, I did it again. I created myself anew. Did you ever have that: You looked at your life and thought something like "HOLY F*CK IS THIS REALLY ME????" I did that, a few times. And every time on the next day I woke up and was somebody else. That's difficult if you stay in the same place. But now I'm far away. Didn't speak to any of my friends yet. Sure, my parents. And my sister called that she's getting married. Strange enough. Shocked my parents I guess. Makes it more interesting. Just like my cousin who just suddenly married and even her parents just got to know through a card saying "we're married and now in vacation". Ouch.

But, back to the lifechange: So, a few times already I was just at some point analysing myself (as you may realise from the frequent usage of terms refering to me I (<--) take myself to be quite important/interesting) if I want to be the one that I was at that very moment. And a few times the answer was a clear NO. So I changed, from one day to the other, shocking everybody including myself what happened. As I may proudly say: Until now most of these changes were positive.

Now it's far easier, and far more wide-reaching.

I don't remember when, but I was someday talking to somebody who had an interesting analysis about american students. When they come to high school they mostly fit into certain cliches. They all somehow belong to a group, like the footballers, geeks, cheerleaders, ...... most of them suddenly fit into one of those cliches that you may or may not encounter in every american movie/series. The person's analysis was as follows: American students are young when they come to high school. Therefore their personality is not fully developed, they haven't decided who they want to be - but they already found some idols in the media that they think would be nice to be. So, they use their chance of getting out of their old world to create themselves anew. Especially if their high school classmates will be a completely different group than before they get the chance to just change all those things that they hated about their old selves.

So, I somehow did the same. I am somebody else than 15 months ago when I had my last day in school. I'm not the same somebody that I was back then. Sure, the social service and the travel shaped my personality - but the month that I spent at home after my travel felt for me like being the same old self that I wanted to change. Same mates, same activities. Same person. Now I'm away. Far away. And with who I was in these 11 days that I'm here - I'm sure nobody would recognise me back home. But, I like this self!

So, I'm a student. Somehow. I already feel the days running past me, again. So that's how it feels to get older! Strange world. I guess in three years I will think that I wrote this just a day ago.

Somebody.


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