April 14, 2011

Unconscionable Absence Girl To The Rescue


It's a terrible shame that the only reason I remembered I had a blog after The Great Block Catastrophe of March is because someone shiny and new commented. It's also a terrible shame that they appeared to be trying to sell me panda-related merchandise, having read a satiric piece about capitalist hypocrisy in China as a panda fan-fic. Whilst I'm grateful that my work is reaching strange people through the miracle that is the internet, I have to say that when blogging, it is better to get a response that is constructively critical rather than just commercial, just as when fishing, it is better to snag a large tuna rather than an Argos catalogue. Even though Argos catalogues are so big now you probably could use one to feed a family of five if they didn't mind smothering it in ketchup. I'm not really sure where this metaphor is going anymore.

It says a lot about the human race that we create a communications network of such freedom and accessibility that we can pretty much use it to do anything, and the majority of it is used to distribute pornography or sell the commercial equivalent of gull vomit to idiots. Should an intelligent alien species examine our race via the internet, they would come to the conclusion that the majority of humans spend their time drinking fake weight loss tea and having loud, vaguely misogynist sex in a variety of fetishist outfits, usually with people who have come to fix our appliances. They would also have a very skewed idea about the role of secretaries in our society. It is to our eternal discredit that having been given the ultimate in freedom of speech, we speak in slogans like Find Out The CHEAP And EASY Way This Single Mum Found To Whiten Teeth!!!!

In my view, the most unforgiveable thing about spam (other than it being named after an inedible meat derivative) is its uninventive and somewhat despicable view of mankind. According to spam, your penis is too small. According to spam, you're fat and your teeth are yellow. According to spam, you want to talk to the sexy and suspiciously youthful Candy, from South Michigan High School, who has just broken up with her boyfriend and is therefore primed for predatory advances from strange men on the internet. According to spam, dead girls living on the internet want you to send on this chain letter. According to spam, Busty Russian Girls Want YOU!! and you should accept this because you will never find love without paying for it (probably because you're so fat, unendowed and yellow toothed, and because you like damaged underage schoolgirls). Spam ensnares us by validating the worst things we think about ourselves, and then saying It's Okay!! You Can Fix This For Only $5 A Month!!

What I would love to know is, does this work? Who reads these and thinks, "Yeah, I'd love to attach a bizarre tubular pump to the end of my manhood because an unauthenticated internet "doctor" tells me it'll make me a Real Man"? Who thinks that an unspecified single mother with no other apparent qualification should be trusted with their dentistry? Who really believes that Busty Russian Girls can't find love for themselves? Surely it must work for someone, otherwise spam wouldn't exist. So maybe, as I wander the streets, I am looking at the proud owners of cock pumps, weight loss pills, tooth bleachers, mail order brides and court orders to appear on the 1st May to face charges of possessing child pornography. In that case, maybe we have been cursed by Suzie The Little Internet Dead Girl for not sending on her email. What a horrible world we live in.



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