And even more
CHAPTER FIVE
In which your humble narrator flies into a terrible rage, accuses the Rev. R. Mole of heresy and attempts to burn him at the stake.
I must confess, dear reader, that at the commencement of the Reverend’s tale, I was somewhat nonplussed.
“You must forgive me,” I said, rising clumsily from my chair (for the port had been rather good and had sent me into a near-comatose stupor) “I believe I should retire. It has been an instructive evening, and I thank you for it. Goodnight.”
“You needn’t take it like that, old chap” the Mole replied. “It is only a matter of ecclesiastical differences, nothing more.”
I suspected at this that he felt himself snubbed, and went to great pains to reassure him of his own powers of narration, and my unworthiness as a listener for such a complex tale.
“Control yourself, young man!” shrieked the Reverend, clambering up the back of a chair with his great claws. “I am a man of the cloth, I meant no harm!”
At this, I was utterly bemused, and began to wonder whether, during the course of the noble Reverend’s tale, I had in fact dropped off into slumber. I asked him if I could perhaps get him a brandy to settle his nerves.
“MURDER!” cried the Mole, “A MURDER is taking place!” and, fixing his great dark eyes upon me, his pince-nez flashing menacingly in the light from the fireplace, shouted:
“You’ll never take me alive!”
I tried to assure him that I had no intention of taking him anywhere, at which point he pulled a great knife from a sheath concealed under his trousers and waved it furiously in my face, putting me in grave danger of a nasty scratch. I felt rather injured by this show of ingratitude for my hospitality and I am sure that if he had asked for the brandy at that point I would have found some way to refuse him on principle.
Panting heavily, the Mole (who after all must have been exhausted from brandishing a knife much longer than himself) wheezed “I’ll kill us both before you burn me, villain!”
He then inexplicably strapped a small device on to his back, and began vibrating at great speed, rendering him almost invisible but for a small portion of his buttocks that was completely stationary. I showed him out, but, as he appeared to be in no condition to find his way home, I was compelled to call him a cab which I then had to carefully lift him into, receiving several deep cuts for my pains.
It was with a sensation of great relief that I watched the cab drive away, but my questions remained: who were these small Gods? And were they such blackguards as the Reverend had suggested? Perhaps that was the reason for his mysterious frenzy. I retired to my study in deep thought.
CHAPTER SIX
In which the Rev. R. Mole breaks the fourth wall entirely and starts taking questions from the audience
Kirsty Judge
08 May 2012 02:37
| 
Comments (23)
| 
Report a problem
Loading…
23 comments by 1 or more people
[Skip to the latest comment]Sir David Attenborough
Are you an actual mole?
08 May 2012, 02:45
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: Do any one of us really have any claim to being a mole? What is mole? The Lord teaches us to move mysteriously, like a fish, or an iguana on a vivid trifle.
08 May 2012, 02:48
Leonora Mayall
Where does a mole of your size (or indeed of any size) find a pince-nez and a dog collar?
08 May 2012, 02:51
Nigel
Speaking as a man/potential-rodent of the cloth, what’s your opinion on the Twilight franchise? Harmless teenage wish fulfillment, or something more… sinister?
08 May 2012, 02:53
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: I steal Halloween costumes from small children.
08 May 2012, 02:55
A.N. Iguana
Have you ever actually attempted to navigate a vivid trifle whilst retaining a hitherto carefully-cultivated air of mystery? It’s harder than it sounds. Also, do you wear a dog collar, or are you more of a free-range clergyman?
08 May 2012, 02:57
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: As a near-blind rodent of the cloth, I have a great appreciation of the specific time of evening that is twilight. For sparkly paedophiles, I have very little, despite what the Catholics might have told you.
08 May 2012, 02:58
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: Part 3 of the entrance examination for rodent vicars is Trifle Examination, which is in fact what I majored in at Mole University. And I do wear a dog collar.
08 May 2012, 03:00
Nigel Thornburry
Rev. R Mole, what – if you’ll excuse the impertinence – is your forename?
I avoid the use of the term ‘Christian name’ for obvious reasons.
08 May 2012, 03:02
Kirsty Judge
My first name is “Reverend”. I am Reverend Reverend Mole.
08 May 2012, 03:05
Newt A. Homm
Which film in the Indiana Jones franchise is, in your opinion, better? Raiders of the Lost Ark, or Temple of Doom?
08 May 2012, 03:06
Lizzy Quinlan
Would you rather have mouths on the back of your hands that occasionally insulted the opposite sex, or an outie belly button three inches long that occasionally swayed to the beat of music?
08 May 2012, 03:07
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: Both films are blasphemous! They do not contain a single mole.
08 May 2012, 03:08
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: A difficult question, Lizzie. I would certainly have to go with “mouths on the back on my hands that occasionally insult members of the opposite sex”, since I am a celibate mole and no one will date me anyway due to my extensive knife collection.
08 May 2012, 03:10
PPIClaimback.co.uk
Speaking as a mole, have you ever been sold Payment Protection Insurance that you didn’t want, or need?
08 May 2012, 03:11
Josh Povey
Rev. R Mole, what is your preferred pizza topping? Do forgive my lack of knowledge, but are moles vegetarian?
08 May 2012, 03:11
Kirsty Judge
Rev. R. Mole: No. Please stop calling me. I have an extensive collection of knives.
08 May 2012, 03:13
Alex Crichton
Rev. What is your view on reality TV?
08 May 2012, 03:13
Princess Consuela
Forgive my forward nature, but, have you ever been in love?
08 May 2012, 03:15
Kirsty Judge
Rev R Mole: My preferred pizza topping is Hawaiian with beetles. It is a common misconception that moles are vegetarians; in fact, moles mostly eat beetles and drink port OR a fine whisky.
08 May 2012, 03:16
Tulisa
When doing a number two, do you scrunch or fold the toilet paper? I, myself, am a scruncher.
08 May 2012, 03:16
Kirsty Judge
Rev R Mole: Alex: Reality TV is a cover for government experiments on the populace involving mind altering drugs and things that make you urinate every 5 minutes. You know the signs. STAY SAFE.
Your Royal Highness: I have been in love. His name was GOD. Which was ironic since I later became a vicar.
Tulisa: Moles don’t poo.
08 May 2012, 03:19
Kirsty Judge
END OF QUESTION TIME. Thank you all, you’ve been ace. Any late questions will be answered after the Tuesday deadline.
08 May 2012, 03:20
Add a comment
You are not allowed to comment on this entry as it has restricted commenting permissions.