Having grown numb,
I searched my footprints for the dry stains
of tears and blood and licked them.
I searched myself for every place that hurt
and pounded on them with a hammer.
I searched for old bits of scab and scar tissue
Buried in my skin with a scalpel.
I searched within my eyes for blind spots
And scrubbed them clean with sand paper.
I searched my memory for dreams
And compared them to reality.
I searched for my heart in the guts of the earth
And yelled its secrets at strangers.
I searched for myself in the people I love
Until I was certain of my absence.
Who was the secret author of my pain?
Let him be omnipotent,
So I can blame him for every second of it.
Let him be omnipresent,
So he is here when I do so.
Let him be omniscient,
So he can understand it.
Let him be eternal,
So that it hurts him always.
I will drag God into existence!
And he will transcend time,
So that a curse uttered today,
Can eat him from the very beginning.
And he will be pure thought,
So that his suffering
Has no body to escape from.
And I will lend him a face
So I can see it contort in pain
As mine does.