All entries for November 2007

November 28, 2007

What the fuck is wrong with people?

This story is fucking ridiculous. It reminds me of the Gere-Shetty kiss that was also blown massively out of proportion.

When will these fucking idiots get a sense of perspective? I know it's hypocritical to be intolerant of intolerance, but we make certain allowances for people who come to this country without full knowledge of custom and etiquette etc. But the fucking paranoia displayed by these so called 'top clerics' in labelling this incident part of a Western plot against Islam beggars belief. If someone named a teddy bear Jesus, we wouldn't flip out, and fucking threaten to string them up. It's idiocy on a grand scale, and some people will lap it up. This is why I can't stand organised religion...

November 26, 2007


"We need to be discussing how we can put this new network into place, because delay could be a barrier to the future success of our economy," said Stephen Timms, minister for competitiveness

There's a minister for competitiveness? That's amazing. Do you think it's his job to go around the party conferences boasting and one-upping everyone's anecdotes? "Our country's better than yours" sort of thing. Reminds me of the Mitchell and Webb Minister for Metaphors vs Shadow Secretary for Similes sketch...

November 25, 2007

Freedom of Speech

Now, this article pissed me off. Everyone with even a sliver of brains knows that Griffin and Irving are complete arseholes. But they have the right to debate their views as long as they do not break the law, by, say, inciting racial or religious hatred. I know it's a tired quotation trotted out every time this debate is had, but I'll repeat Voltaire in saying "I disagree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it". Not that I'm actually sure I'd die for Nick Griffin or David Irving particularly, but, depending on circumstances, freedom of speech probably is worth dying for. I don't believe in absolute freedom of speech -  laws that protect against incitement to racial or religious hatred, for example, are a necessity (though not where these apply to comedy, that's just idiotic). But it can be argued that these are not really laws against what you say, but laws against how you say it, marking the difference between self-expression and opinon proselytisation.

There are some laws which I find simply ridiculous. For example, in Turkey, there is a law about comitting crimes against Turkishness (Article 301), which has lead to the villification of great national writers like Orhan Pamuk. One must allow for criticism of a government, as long as it does not spill over into incitement to treason, which, sensibly, ought to be covered in any treason-based laws. 

Equally ridiculous, though for different reasons, are laws against the denial of the Holocaust. These laws are, to my mind, patently absurd: if people want to be idiotic and ignore (what most of us consider to be) factual evidence to the contrary, then let them. We don't punish people for saying they were visited by aliens, because we can't prove that they weren't, and that aliens don't exist. Similarly, we can't prove with exact certainty that the Holocaust is not, in fact, an extremely elaborate hoax, however unlikely that seems (and it does), nor can we prove that it is not being misused by certain peoples as a source of gain. We don't apply this law to the first World War, or the Boer wars, or the 100 years war, to 9/11 or Rwanda, or any other conlict or tragedy in recent memory, so why is the Holocaust so different? Even if we did apply them to such events, the law would remain as Draconian, idiotic and unnecessary as it is now.

As relates specifically to the article, this MP throwing hs toys out of the pram is ridiculous. I in no way support the views of either of these cretins, but I wouldn't mind seeing them destroyed on a debating floor. The MP writes: 

"Nothing which happens in Monday's debate can possibly offset the boost you are giving to a couple of scoundrels who can put up with anything except being ignored," he said.

"It is sheer vanity on your part to imagine that any argument you deploy, or any vote you carry will succeed in causing them damage.

"They have been exposed and discredited time and again by people vastly more qualified than you in arenas hugely more suited to the task than an undergraduate talking-shop, however venerable."

How fucking patronising and self-important can you be? It's almost like he has never heard of a process of attrition - it is entirely possible that under sustained pressure, one or both of these idiots may one day crack and give up their moronic views. But to assume that there is no point to such a debate before it has even occurred is ridiculous. It might well steer some people who were uncertain away from such lunacy when they see the arguments presented clearly, or, as is more likely, the demagoguery on display. Granted, it might push some people to support them, but if anyone has it in them to be a BNP sympathiser or Holocaust denier, better we know about it anyway than not. Otherwise we might mistakenly think we were engaging with rational and intelligent individuals. If they're that easily swayed, it's probably only a matter of time before they subscribe to some idiocy or other.

The position reminds me a lot of idiots like Jack Thompson (prominent anti-videogames campaigner), who is right near the top of my Most Hated list (and subsequently one of the principal reasons why I could never support Hilary Clinton, she being one of his biggest supporters). Jack takes a Tabula Rasa approach - he believes that there is no violence inherent within man, and that instead people are filled with the idea to go out and rape, steal, kill, or whatever, by games like Grand Theft Auto. I say bullshit. GTA is a cathartic process, a healthy channeling of aggression which is inherent within everyone, which would otherwise manifest itself in more damaging and disturbing ways. Even if there are people so impressionable as to take to the streets after playing GTA and go on a real life rampage, you have the same problem with the freedom of speech laws. These people were likely to get this informative input from somewhere eventually, be it film, television, music, art, even, dare I say it, literature. And until all those are banned, or about to be, any approach against video games specifically (probably because they are a famously interactive medium, in relative infancy compared to the other genres I've mentioned) is inconsistent and incoherent.

Ditto with drugs - alcohol and tobacco are two of the more damaging drugs, according to an actual updated, non Neolithic rankings system like the A B C Class system, (the new system can be viewed here), yet they remain legal while less damaging drugs are deemed high priority. Consistency is important for any argument, and if you're saying one can't allow the impressionable to come into contact with 'bad ideas', then you are left with no choice but to outlaw all ways in which they could come into contact with those ideas. Which, as far as I can tell, would be cutting off your nose to spite your face. Fuck the impressionable - this would be a classic case of levelling down, as you are significantly reducing the quality of life of the majority to cater to a few gullible, easily-led idiots. Violent games do not necessarily promote violence, drugs don't necessarily kill you, and racist wankers aren't necessarily invulnerable to criticism.


November 22, 2007

Uxbridge English Dictionary

Right, so anyone who's spoken to me for more than 5 minutes probably knows I am a big fan of the Radio 4 show 'I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue'. One of my favourite games on there is the Uxbridge English Dictionary, where old words are given new meaning - for example, miniscule would be a creche in Liverpool (mini-school). It's basically a huge exercise in my favourite type of comedy, punnage. So here, for your bafflement and to inspire the hatred you'll no doubt award me, are some I've been creating myself. The randoms come first, and the series come last. Feel free to add your own...

Lederhosen – spraying the postman 

Philosophy – when you’ve had enough of Sophie

Solicitor – a sad Chinese man sitting down

Cooperation – a speech from the head of a supermarket

Samurai – the choice between me and Sam

Hirsute – what she wears to work

Filibuster – a lover of steak

Temporal – short-lived foreplay

Internet – something consumed by an apprentice

Phantasmagorical – one who predicts the addition of drugs to Fanta

Calamitous – devices for measuring colour

Gastronomy – to be bombarded with gas

Superintendent – trying to cover her with soup

Dostoyevsky – old English for “Do I have to ski?”

Garibaldi – Gary’s gone bald

Pusillanimous – dismay at the stench of a seal’s soul

Gelatine – to get the product and the packaging the wrong way round in hair care

Ballistic – a damnable lump of wood

Indubitably – to competently undo something

Valedictorum – when things are torn by a twat from Wales

Banister – to outlaw ogling

Prima Donna – before Madonna

Tonality – the property of being like a toenail

Ornament – a Brummie phrase meaning intended for the governor of California

Berlusconi – something heavy set that goes well with jam and clotted cream

Dandelion – a gay feline

Salamander – to flog Amanda

Teacake – wood pain

Scabbard – to recover toughly from a wound

Defer – to strip something of its hair

European – to call someone common

Detrimental – that tree is insane

Pornographic – being too broke to afford pictures

Evangelical – so desperate as to talk to Jelly

Condemn – how you get people to give you their money

Orgasm – the alternative of gassing people

Celeritous – to toss celery

Monarchic – to lament the weakness in one’s legs

Dumbfounded – discovered by a flying elephant

Existential – smelling of eggs

Clandestine – the Stein family

Military – a chocolate orange cookie

Disturbing – to remove one’s turban

Pandering – to paint something black and white

Mosquito – a little place of worship

Demented – to spit out your toothpaste

Morbid – what continues an auction

Psychosomatic – a flea that goes crazy in the heat

Disinterest – insulting Turrets and dyslexia sufferers at the same time

Posturing – after an Italian city

Menstruate – the thing men dislike the most

Macaroon – what one must do after eating too much

Deliberate – to lock someone up

Unfasten – to slow someone down

Improvise – to alter an imp

Bonanza – a Russian monarch in the act of lovemaking

Germinate – to maintain a grudge

Substantiate – to be not as good a Muslim as Stan

Mushroom – where huskies are kept

Belligerent – mocking fat people

Anonymous – a Scottish mouse

Senile – thinking you’re in Egypt

Buffet – to sexily say hello in the style of the Fonz

Eunuchs – it’s your turn now

Lasso – to be sick of Girls Aloud

Extreme – something you thought you wanted, but didn’t actually

Vindicate – a girl who eats mostly curry

Jezebel – a posh doorbell

Inflammatory – to set light to David Cameron

Hobgoblin – to eat a kitchen appliance

Eye doctor – online medical advice

Sandalwood – what shoes wish they could do

Hurly burly – when Liz puts on weight

Matriculate – to move away from Imperial measurements

Urban – to cover in garlic

Llandudno – to mistakenly think your place has set down

Subcutaneous – people to small to wait in line

Hospitable – capable of equine salivation

Entire – a pissed off tree

Longitude – his protracted mastication

Ramification – to turn something into a sheep

Upholstery – telling your mates how you got laid last night

Rational – a place with no vodka

Chlamydia – a damp stag

Gusset – to swear at something

Ajudicate - having felated a Hebrew 

Anticipation – when a doctor treats an ant

Anterior – a scarier ant than the one before

Ignorant – to disregard ants

Rudiment – to intend offence

Intrude – to deny that something is offensive

Television – a town in Israel

Telemetry – another town in Israel

Tantalise – a tent full of untruths

Scandalise – to look over untruths

Herbivore – the film after Herbie Three

Carnivore – the fourth carnie along

Fructivore – an insult to the channel T4

Piscivore – Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice, John Aschroft, and George Bush

Tendency – the third tendon along

Acne – a Scotsman banging their leg

Acumen – a Scotswoman cursing her husband

Marquis – what you say when you’ve lost your keys

Machiavelli – what an Italian says when they lose their keys

Congenital – with your penis

Congenial – with a magic spirit

Political – to molest a parrot

Polyamorous – to love several parrots at once

Oscillate – a tardy Australian

Undulate – something which is inexplicably delayed

Anti-Semitic – to be against things that are only half right

Anti-aircraft – to be against boats made of eggshells

Procrastinate – to be in favour of eating poorly constructed containers

Proselytise – to be in favour of Tie Rack

Purloin – something worn in the underwear department

Pernickety – for those interested in brewing underwear

Parabolic – a supernatural testicle

Diabolic – a poor excuse for a testicle

Metabolic – a superior testicle

November 20, 2007

Discount your curses

Right, so this is last week's assignment, where we had to write a curse, to create the dragon of fire within ourselves. I wanted to focus more on concepts and evoking emotion and sensation than  on language, because of recent criticisms about being too wrapped up in language, despite the beauty of angry words, like vitriol, vituperative, venomous etc. What I ended up, though, with was probably too conceptual, and a bit tired. Apparently, the rhythm was more of a detractor than an amplifier, which surprised me - I thought the meter, combined with the repetition, would help with the feel of an incantation, but aparently not. The rhyme certainly did force me to stretch more than a few times, but it's just my preference, my predilection for rhyme in poetry as well as song. The only bit which people really liked was "I hope you're too sickly to take your own life".

The story is based around an actual event: recently, coming off a motorway onto a roundabout to get into Leam, a guy came through on the right hand lane to cut me off turning left, which is dangerous, illegal, and just plain rude. So I followed him all the way to his house, got out and had a go at him. He pretty much ignored me, just walked into his house. It was a fucking businessman, too - I was expecting a student, but some mid-30s office worker really ought to know better. Anyway, the curse is a curse on bad drivers.

We then had to translate it using the antonymic method (take each word, phrase or sentence and replace it with its opposite), and then polish it into something more comprehensible. Because of the highly conceptual nature of the original curse, the blessing became high philosophy, impenetrable, proposing austerity in life, a kind of Mother Teresa-like "salvation through suffering". 'I hate you' becomes 'you love me', and while there are a few flashes of brilliance (slurp from the womb, moral gym, celibate genius passenger), it's mostly quite obtuse. The final line, though, makes me think of the Dark Tower series, especially the first book, the Gunslinger - along with the line "Caught them looking towards me without that careful silence", it just recalls those landscapes and that sense of the Western...

I Hope – A Malediction

I don’t wish you death, because death is too easy

No, I wish you life, oh so tragic and long

For suffering’s greater when varied, extended

So I hope you suffer for years to come


I hope you get everything you ever wanted

Only to have it ripped from your hands

For loss is the deepest of all of life’s sorrows

I hope it infects every one of your plans

I hope you gain fame and in one single instant

Throw it away with some careless remark

So nowhere is safe from a menacing public

Who mock you all day and attack after dark


I hope you get rich and then lose all your assets

With only the memory to keep you warm

Go sleep on the streets with no house to go home to

Pneumonia have at you, with vigour and scorn

But not just pneumonia, all ailments and illness

I hope you’re too sickly to take your own life

I hope that existence is pain ever-lasting

You’ll only know torment and suffering and strife

I hope your own children will grow up to hate you

I hope your own family will spit on your grave

I hope you die knowing the world will be happier

That it was your doing, the bed that you made

I hope that you never know faith or self-confidence

Every thought should be wracked with self-doubt

I hope that your ego will splinter and crack

From the weight of self-loathing that’s trying to get out


I hope that God hates you, I hope that life shuns you

And all that you touch turns to ash and expires

Maybe then you’ll think twice before cutting me up

On the roundabout, fucking idiot driver

You Despair – A Work in Progress

You do begrudge me life, for life isn’t little hard

Yes, you begrudge me death, ah, hardly comic or brief

Because prosperity’s not lesser when not constant, shortened

Inappropriately you despair I prosper for days from go


You despair I lose nothing I never disliked

Possibly from lack them to my feet

Because gain isn’t a shallowest not relating to none not relating to death’s joys

You despair they purify no many not relating to my chaos


You despair I lose anonymity or out many multiple eternity

Catch them towards without that careful silence

To avoid that everywhere isn’t dangerous to the comforting individual

Which encourage me no night or defend before light


You despair I lose poor or now gain none my liabilities

Without possibly a precognition from lose me cold

Come wake off a cell without every office from come workplace from

Heat stroke lack away from me, without apathy or praise


Also only heat stroke, no clean bill of health

You despair I’m not little healthy from give my communal death

You despair this extinction isn’t pleasure never fleeting

I didn’t possibly ignore peace and prosperity and ease


You despair my communal parents did not shrink down from love me

You despair my communal friends did not slurp off my womb

You despair I live ignoring a void wasn’t sadder

This they won’t be my inaction, a gym this I destroyed


You despair this I always ignore knowledge and doubt of others

No emotion shouldn’t be brushed without trust in society

You despair this my hive mind didn’t defragment and reintegrate

To a lightness not relating to love of the world this isn’t can’t be arsed from lose in


You despair this Satan loves me, you despair this death welcomes me

Or none this I avoid remains from ice or is born

Certainly now I didn’t feel once after fusing you down

Off a crossroads, celibate genius passenger

You Despair – A Valediction

You don’t begrudge me life, though life isn’t a little hard,

Yes, you begrudge me death, ah, hardly comic or brief,

For prosperity’s lesser when inconstant, shortened:

You despair if I prosper only for days from the word go.


You’d despair if I lost something I never disliked,

Possibly from lacking it to boot,

Because gain is a shallow thing relating to none, relating to death’s joys:

You’d despair if it purified things relating to my chaos.


You’d despair if I lost anonymity, or, in multiple eternities,

Caught them looking towards me without that careful silence,

To avoid that everywhere isn’t dangerous to the comforting individual,

Which encourages me night and day to defend the light.


You’d despair if I lost poverty, or now gained none of my foibles,

Without which I could not foresee my loss of cold-heartedness.

Come wake in a cell without every office or workplace function!

Heat stroke keep away from me, without apathy or praise!


But only heat stroke, no clean bill of health please!

You’d despair if I were healthy, give me communal death!

You’d despair that without extinction, not pleasure, ever looming

I might ignore peace and prosperity and ease.


You despair that my communal parents did not shrink away from loving me

You despair that my communal friends did not slurp from my womb

You’d despair if I lived ignoring a void not sadder

Than this would be, my inaction, a moral gym I’d destroy


You’d despair if I always ignored knowledge and the doubts of others

No emotion should be brushed aside without trust in society

You’d despair if my hive mind didn’t defragment and reintegrate

To a lightness not relating to a love of the world, that can’t be arsed with losing


You’d despair if Satan loved me, you’d despair if death welcomed me

Or if none of this I avoid remained in ice or was born

Certainly now I didn’t feel at all after setting you down

Off those crossroads, celibate genius passenger

Another rant

Alcohol is a fucking sickness. It’s a disease. It’s not that I don’t drink, or occasionally get drunk. But this whole fascination with going out and getting plastered is obscene. I was led on to this path of thought by Locke referring to diminished responsibility, not punishing the sober man for the drunk man’s actions (though in his defence, he later retracts this). But to not punish them? Why the fuck not? After all, the sober man got drunk in the first place, and is therefore responsible for all the drunk man does. Being drunk is not an excuse for cheating on someone, for example, though it may be an explanation. I know what I can get like when I’m drunk, some of the things I do. Solution? I don’t get drunk. Some gambles are not worth taking. So why excuse some fucker for killing his wife because he was drunk? By Locke’s extension, he was the same person, with the same consciousness – he remembers doing it. Even if he doesn’t, it doesn’t change the fact that he chose to get drunk in the first place, and therefore is responsible for his own actions.

I’m not being puritanical here, I’m being logical. If you know you will do, or might do, bad things when you’re drunk (which you wouldn’t do when sober), then don’t get drunk. If you do get drunk, in the knowledge that you might do said things, then you’re entirely at fault, and should be tried as if you were never drunk in the first place, and held fully responsible. It is patently ridiculous to say that we should not blame the sober man for the drunk mans actions.

Madness I’m less sure about – for it is probably beyond one’s control. But temporary insanity is just bollocks. Someone who’s genuinely mad should stay locked up – temporary insanity is just another way of saying I couldn’t help myself, which is a fucking nonsense statement. The whole idea of will-power is bogus – people do what they want to do. They make value judgements, weigh up the pros and cons, and come to a decision, which they invariably follow. I know it sounds quite Platonian, but people don’t do things they know aren’t best: they’ll think but not really believe that the best course of action is actually the best, and hence will do the one they actually think is best, regardless of whether it is or not, or whether society dictates that it’s the best (or at least, regardless excepting the need to conform to society’s expectations in the original value assessment).

I gave up smoking with a click of my fingers – went from at least 5 cigarettes a day to 4 cigars a year. Why? Because I knew, and properly believed, that it was the right thing to do. When people do the wrong thing (we’re all guilty of it, no one is perfect), it’s because, at some level, deep or shallow, they are deluding themselves into genuine belief that it’s actually the right thing, or at least the best thing for them. If you have an essay deadline and don’t do the essay because you’d rather do something else, it’s because you think that that’s the best course of action for you, for whatever reason, be it that you’ll get an extension, or say you were ill, or rush it off the morning before, or even just get away with not doing it.

So when people talk about willpower, or lacking it, or say “I couldn’t bring myself to do such and such”, what they’re actually saying is “I took what I considered the best course of action for me, but I’m too chickenshit to admit it, for whatever reason, because society, or some relevant subsection of it, condemns that course of action”. When something is in your power to do, within your control, and you want to do it, then you fucking well do it. I should qualify here that I’m using a sort of cumulative or summative definition of want– in the case of two or more conflicting desires, while you might theoretically desire each of them, the thing or action you desire the most is the one you really want, in the end. In mathematical terms, you have a centre point, a zero, and either side you have desires that equate to positive (wanting to do x) or negative (not wanting to do x), and whether you want to do something or not depends on whether the final sum of those desires is positive or negative. So if you say, “I want to quit smoking”, what you really mean is “I want to quit smoking more than I want to keep smoking”. If you don’t mean that, then you ought to say “A part of me wants to quit smoking”, because that implies that the whole of you does not, and that the part of you has been overwhelmed by the whole of your consciousness. So we should say ‘I want’ only when that is the overriding truth – don’t even get me started on people defining language! So, people that want to quit and don’t are either lazy or deluded: lazy in not being arsed to fight their bodies (which is a legitimate difficulty in coming off nicotine), or deluded in thinking that, actually, they’re somehow immune, that smoking isn’t going to damage them, that it’s still the best course of action for them to take, which it arguably is – better to live well and die young than live poorly and die old.

So if you want to quit, you quit. And if you want to murder, you murder. But take it on the chin, like a fucking man. Don’t hide behind temporary insanity, or alcohol, or whatever other diminished responsibility bullshit they come up with. If you got caught, you fucking well deserve everything that’s coming to you (which is not to say that those clever or lucky enough to get away with it don’t, necessarily, but rather that they have successfully played a system that requires suspicion or proof ‘beyond reasonable doubt’.) People are far too quick to pass the buck sometimes, because they forget that explanations are not excuses. ‘I was drunk’ might answer the question why, but it doesn’t absolve you of the consequences.

One of the worst things is that people get drunk precisely to give themselves an excuse to get with so and so, or to tell you something, or because they want to forget about their lives. Forget about their lives? Why not spend the time and energy (and money) wasted on alcohol on actually changing your life to be something you can enjoy without a 10 unit minimum? Is it so fucking hard to be honest with yourself? I already admitted there are a few things I’d do drunk but not sober, but they are few and far between. By and large I don’t change much when I get drunk, but that’s because I don’t see the point in repressing most of the things people do normally, but don’t when pissed. So I’m the King of the Overshare, so what? If you don’t care about me, why are you talking to me? Fuck off and talk to someone else! If society says it’s not acceptable or normal for me to sing in public, or to admit to my 3 years of forced celibacy, or to write songs for people, then society can go fuck itself.

And that includes not getting wankered. Does it make people uncomfortable that there are people who are at ease enough with themselves to be truthful and uninhibited (seeing as ‘losing inhibitions’ is the phrase so often associated with alcohol) without the aid of social lubricant? Because it seems to me there is a certain sort of stigma against people that don’t drink, or that don’t get drunk. If I get drunk, it tends to be accidental, by which I mean I don’t go out with the intention of getting drunk, and haven’t since I was about 15, but rather I get drunk as a by-product of actually enjoying the alcohol I’m drinking, hence my preference for booze that actually tastes good rather than the cheapest or strongest swill available. But if I do get drunk, and I do something idiotic, I’m not going to blame my stupidity on the alcohol, though it might explain my actions to some degree. But that action was always within me, some dark animus that we smother for the good, be that collective or individual good.

And sure, the problem here is the line. The arbitrary line (as most lines are, it seems). How much of ourselves can we be truthful about, or ought we to reveal? Even accepting that some of the inhibitions many people generally live under and escape through alcohol might be permissible, which ones? Obviously I’m not advocating total honesty, free from tact: there’s honest, and there’s just plain rude. Nor am I advising an absolute instinctive hedonism, total surrender to all our urges. Clearly there is such a thing as too far – murder, rape, etc. – just as there are things which, where alcohol is concerned, are generally permissible, if a little odd – singing in public, hugging a lot, shacking up with someone and the like. But the middle ground, ranging from adultery to cartwheeling naked across your lawn, is treacherous waters. If there’s something it’s actually acceptable to do when drunk, but not when sober, why is that the case? Ought there to be anything which falls under that category, or are we simply again permitting for certain acts performed under diminished responsibility?

Let’s take an example we’ve probably all come across: if we say that it’s ok to tell your same-sex best friend you love them (in a non-romantic way) when you’re drunk, but not when sober, is there a reason for that difference? Is it a British thing, a repression of the emotions we work so diligently to disguise, to maintain that reservedness that characterised an empire? I doubt it somehow – it seems, from experience, more universal than that. Is it, to return to the subject of the fear of difference, merely a reaction to that degree of honesty with oneself and the world, a frankness which makes people uncomfortable? Perhaps, but then is it really that such an action is acceptable when drunk, or is it merely more acceptable (and, perhaps, contingent on the drunkenness of the receiver of said compliment)? If it is a fear of honesty, surely we are just relegating such an outburst yet again to the realm of the excusable, rather than the acceptable. Is it possible, then, that my original explanation was correct, that such actions are actually, in some form or other, no more right (or less wrong) when sober than when drunk, but it is just that alcohol is required for some (or even most) people to open themselves up to a certain level of uninhibitedness, hence the phrase Dutch courage?

I don’t really have any definite answers, just a desire to ask the right questions. I do know, however, that until someone gives me a better explanation, I shall have to continue to look on deliberate drunkenness as a form of cowardice, a recourse to alcohol to provide both the opportunity and the excuse for actions considered otherwise too risky. To anyone reliant on the crutch of alcohol, I have only these words: carpe diem, and strap on a pair.

November 14, 2007

Giving Up

I think might give up poetry, because I've just discovered the best fucking poem ever, and no-one will ever beat it:

Best Poem Ever

November 12, 2007

Intermittent winter ramblings

I fucking hate the cold.

I really resent having to wrap up. I know it's just the cycle of the world, and nature needs its downtime, and all that crap, but seriously, I want to move someplace where the lowest the temperature ever goes is mid teens. It's so fucking unnerving. The cold is like a clingy ex-girlfriend - no matter how you try to shake it off, it always gets under your clothes, touching you in unwanted places, upsetting the balance you've created for yourself. The cold is an enemy, a necessary evil, but necessary for whom? If the cold is so necessary, how come the rainforests thrive (or would without human intervention)? Presumably they have cycles too, seasons with life and death for plants and animals, but they don't get cold. I shouldn't have to wear more than 2 fucking layers, November or no. It's so much more satisfying ( to walk in from the heat ouside to an air-conditioned building/room than it is to come in from the cold to a heated room, not least because it's so much more immediate. You're not even promised that, anyway - so many buildings aren't properly heated, I sat in the Union this afternoon, and in the Arts Centre yesterday, and fucking froze. You can still drink hot drinks (tea, coffee, hot chocolate etc.) in hot climates, as evidenced by where chai comes from. Granted that being warm in bed when it's cold(ish) outside, but it's an acceptable casualty. Sweat>numbness, heat stroke>frostbite, heat>cold.

I also fucking hate snow. I've explained this many times in person, but I'll lay it out here, to stand eternal (probably Ozymandias-like) in data's annals. Snow is shit:

  • It's cold, which I've already stated my reasons against.
  • It's wet, in the wrong sort of context - wet is fine when you're going swimming, and dressed for the occasion, but wet when you're fully clothed AND cold, so that you're not going to dry any time soon, is bollocks, because it lingers and the cold gets under your skin.
  • It makes everything look the same - "oooh look, isn't it all pretty and white?" No, it fucking well isn't. All the vibrancy of colour gets sapped out of the world, and you're left with this glossed over bullshit, like a pale (pun intended) attempt to make us examine the form of everything and the soul of nothing.
  • It leaves sludge - when the snow is gone, what do you get? Browny black shit everywhere, sludging and slurping everywhere like snowmen with explosive diarrhoea fell from the sky and splattered all over the show, making it fucking impossible to drive, soaking your shoes and totally ruining what should have been the relief of getting all the colour back in the world.
  • It produces snowballs - great, an excuse for all the wankers of the world to hit people in the face with compacted water, probably with a stone or two in there for good measure. Last year, I was walking from the Union back to halls when some cunts, who were driving around campus, lobbed a big snowball out their car window which hit me smack in the face. You can say I take myself too seriously (I don't think there is such thing anyway) but I fail to see how that's in the Christmas spirit, or in any spirit other than the one of fucking up other people's days. 

I'd like to make clear at this point that I am NOT a Scrooge. I love Christmas, for many reasons, both right and wrong. It's just the fucking weather I can't stand. Christmas on a beach somewhere in the southern hemisphere (so it owuld be the height of summer), with sand instead of snow, now that would be perfect. You can celebrate Jesus' birth without putting yourself through the same fucking conditions that he had to endure. After all, we don't go crucifying ourselves for Easter. It's just the mass delusion that snow is this awesome thing that makes Christmas perfect - if you like snow so much, go to the fucking alps. I say bring on global warming (there's at least one theory that says, despite losing the warm currents we have, Britain comes out of it a hell of a lot warmer than it went in). And yes, I know me telling other people to move when I could do the same holds a certain petulance, but I do intend to move, although sadly San Francisco isn't a whole lot warmer. And even when I'm rich and famous, I'll still have to spend Christmas with family (which is what it's really about), but that's only a week or so of the winter months. Otherwise, I'll spend the time somewhere blistering, like the desert...

In conclusion, fuck the cold, fuck snow and fuck you

(Disclaimer: last statement was added only for the sake of the tricolon, and applies only to Creationists, terrorists, Mother Teresa, George Bush, Man Utd and Liverpool fans, and those cunts who hit me with the snowball last year.) 

November 01, 2007

Three Years in the Desert

Right, so that slam poem I did on Tuesday I recorded. It's now up on soundclick - - a site I urge you to check out, please. It's where I put up all my songs, which will probably give you an insight into why I write the way I write (if you're interested, that is). Plus, I think they're quite good, or I wouldn't be banking my future on them.

Anyway, here are the words:


Three Years in the Desert

Three years in the desert

I’ve spent three years in the desert

Constantly trying desperately to make sense of it

Are you testing me? Developmentally arresting me?

What can the reason be, tell me, for these long three years?

Am I supposed to look out at all of my peers

And not mind? I do mind, I’ve been left behind

I’m a sexual repressive, a relic, some kind of

Untouchable, deemed unlovable, branded

Unfuckable, by God only knows whose utterables

Am I making any sense? It’s gutterable,

Garbage, set off by alarms, it’s hard, it’s

Me, and my hand with nowhere to go

Getting tired of this 5 finger show, and what I

Really wanna know is is it a problem with me?

Is it just my mum and dad think I’m good enough to breed?

Cos I bleed, I got needs to feed, please believe

That I’ve tried the other side, and it’s not for me

I know there’s people think I’m gay, and there’s people think I’m straight

And it’s Neolithic labels like that that really grate

But if there is a guy that could make me wipe the slate

I haven’t met him, I’m still too attracted to girls

Since I started getting urges, they’ve been my whole world

Bout the age of 11, I began to unfurl, but let’s

Take a little second, slow down, before I hurl

And breathe

In, out, in, out

Ladies and gentlemen, this rant is brought to you by three years of forced celibacy

Is it really such a long shot?

Is it really such a long shot that in

A world so full of people needing sex

That the best a man can get is vexed

I’m a nervous wreck, always wondering whose next

What the plan of attack should be, complex

Or simple, do I let em know that I like them straight?

Or should I take the time to inebriate,

Implicate that I maybe wrote a little song

If I give you the words, would you like to sing along?

So I come on a little strong.

I thought girls liked my songs, and I thought

That the cool approach just felt wrong,

If you like someone, then why stand off?

And I thought that the drought couldn’t last that long

But I was wrong, so here I am, living proof

That sometimes you’re better off being aloof

I scare girls off, I’m too “intense”

That motherfucking word again and again

And again and again till it loses all sense

Till the walls of my mind start to bend,

Till I’d fuck my guy friends, and sure, there’s an easy way out

Go to a club, grit my teeth, hang about

Till the drunk girls show at the end of the night

Like picking on the weak in the herd, and alright

I could do it, I know that I could, but I won’t

Cos I’m not that guy, and that’s not my zone

I’ve always thought of sex as communion

Confusing, sure, but organised confusion

Communicating souls, and because we’re only human

The more we fuck, well the less it means

Cos the more of yourself you’re giving out for free

And there’s only so much to go around, you see

To know and be known, entire, complete

That’s the grail, that’s my life-long dream

So I’m asking again, is there a reason for this?

Cos I sometimes feel life’s taking the piss

When jerks and ugly guys get laid every day

And I can’t even get a girl to look my way

Look my way, PLEASE, and help me out of the desert


Yeah, I know the irony is that it's a little intense (but is that ironic if I'm aware of it?), but it's genuine.  I didn't think that it was very funny, but people were laughing a lot (I won't say it didn't hurt a little to have my misfortune laughed at, but hey, schadenfreude is a part of human nature), and in unexpected places. Yeah, so, this is probably why I'm the king of the overshare, but who gives. I also wrote this little ditty last night:


When he’d fixed all the clocks

And darned the odd socks

And tidied his room up again

And eaten his tea

And watched BBC

And spent a few hours in the gym

And played some guitar

And napped for an hour

And Facebooked, and forumed, and blogged

And spoke to his rents

And flatmates, and friends

And prepared himself for the slog

By buying caffeine

And chocolate unseen

In such volume outside the store

Our poor student found

His time had run out

Quoth the student “Nevermore!

Nevermore will I wait

Dumbly procrastinate

When there is an essay to write

For I’ve pissed time away

Now confronted by day

When I should have worked through the night”

With vigour renewed

And gusto imbued

The essay was done in a flash

Which maybe explains

The terrible grade

… At least I’m not that rash


Certainly not based on real-life experience (this lie is for the benefit of any parents or lecturers reading this blog, please do not use it if you don't need it)...  

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