All entries for Tuesday 10 June 2008

June 10, 2008

With apologies to Oli

I was a stranger to the world today. Last night, the insurgency of faith coursed through my body, but this morning, I felt alone. The warmth of the sun, the whiff of the canal, the weight of my conscience, these things I felt, but, surrounded by people, I was isolated, the boy in the bubble. Only my bubble popped, and in came rushing the doubts and ignoble practices that define a life wasted, the insurrection of bad habits too long permitted, taking mallets and chisels to the edifice of my resolve, toppling the statue of my superiority, collecting my marble slabs, which had once made me the envy of all Rome, to sell or break or waste in their own pathetic constructions. I was raped by the world - the bubble burst, the condom split, and the gurgling spunk-noise of civilisation poured forth, clogging my thoughts, sticking them together as it dried over me like the cheap whore I sometimes feel myself to be. But fuck the world, I think. I am no slouch with a needle and thread - perhaps I can rebuild the bubble. But it is a losing game - every hole is a future weakness, and how long till I tire of the repairs? No, once broken, the returns diminish, along with my resolve. The apple may not fall far from the tree, but at least the tree bore fruit. My tree has not - no matter how deep I dig, I am always uprooted by the world. Perhaps I shall only learn by losing a few branches. Perhaps it is only just - I have had such sunlight and water and care as other trees have never known, could not even fathom. Perhaps last night's faith was simply the prelude to marshalled decline, but I know it's not, because this decline I bring on myself, yet still I scatter my leaves, instead of gripping them and bracing against the slightest breeze. Where they land though, even I cannot go...


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