May 27, 2007

Neuroses Vent

I think I need to have a rant.

I had my Disney interview today for the 6-month Grad program I'm applying for starting in October. It was absolutely fine, but by the end of the day I just felt soooooo drained and tired and really really cranky and I couldn't really figure out why.

Admittedly yes, I was dragging a very heavy wheelie bag with my revision gear in (that I didn't look at all day) all the way around London, and everyone on the Tube is just so fucking rude, and I was wearing 3-in stilettos all day, but I felt more mentally drained than anything. It was like my head had become 5 times too heavy for my neck to support it.

I decided that my poor overthinking brain had gone into overdrive. I have the 2 hardest exams of my life in 3 days' time, and even though I've already had 2 exams and that normally settles me in and I'm calm as a cucumber, my previous GCSE/A-Level habit of panicking and becoming increasingly neurotic has made an unwelcome reappearance.

It's not even like I'm just worrying about the exams. As someone rightly pointed out on my previous entry, they are just exams, and unless I do something seriously stupid I should get a 2:1 no problem. No, my exam stress has opened a path for me to obsess about everything else as well. I have boy problems that are so extremely complicated they do my nut in, I am panicking about my career (which, if I get Disney, is not something I even need to worry about for 6 months), I'm worrying about money (and then doing nothing about it), I'm worrying about graduating at the same time as I'm looking forward to it...

Etc, etc. I am well aware that all of this is utterly pointless neuroses but that doesn't seem to stop me fretting. And it's bloody difficult to concentrate on the 2 killer exams, even when you have the Fear, when there's so much fucking else going on in your head. 


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