All entries for Friday 14 July 2006

July 14, 2006

One Rare Moment Of Flowing Thoughts

I am Nobody. My non–physical characteristics are, as of this moment, Blur and Vague. I am neither Sane nor Insane. I am neither Popular nor Completely Unpopular.

Then my brain hangs. I was supposed to write a lot more than that, then stop at the sentence 'I've lost my Inner Voice'. But inspirations have a way of fizzing out when one gets distracted. Never mind, a different stream of thought flowed in for a while, which I jotted down – in the form of an MSN conversation.

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
hoi

Illusionary says:
yeah, what's up

Illusionary says:
was falling in and out of sleep and having adventures in deep dreams

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
really?

Illusionary says:
yeah

Illusionary says:
am reading the contemporary classic Sophie's World at the moment, that might be why

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
ahhh

Illusionary says:
have you read that one

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
nope

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
i read three chapters

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
felt it was too heavy

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
so put it aside

Illusionary says:
is it? it's very light

Illusionary says:
i mean, try telling the history of philosophy and not scaring ppl off

Illusionary says:
by presenting it from a child's point of view … it's brilliant

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
i was 16 when i picked it up

Illusionary says:
i see

Illusionary says:
hmm, i had something to blog about just a moment ago

Illusionary says:
now i lost it

Illusionary says:
typed only three or four sentences and it dried up

Illusionary says:
was flowing just now

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
darn

Illusionary says:
i was thinking about the idea that perhaps i lost my 'inner voice' (for the lack of a better phrase)

Illusionary says:
am i unique, original? in such a way that i was comfortable with myself?

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
you might have

Illusionary says:
hell yeah, i once was, up till early sec school

Illusionary says:
i get embarassed by some events, by some things ppl say, but on the whole i was proud to be myself

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
really?

Illusionary says:
along the way, more and more ppl begin to ask, why are you like this, or say, i cant understand you

Illusionary says:
but even until towards the end of high school i still felt proud to be weird (emotional and hormonal fluctuations aside)

Illusionary says:
by uni time i was convinved by ppl that i need to change

Illusionary says:
that i cannot go on not knowing how to drive, that i cannot be stuck to just liking to watch movies, that i must learn how to deal with ppl (to socialise)

Illusionary says:
which, by all reasonably standards of society's conventions, makes simple sense

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
i can't drive either

Illusionary says:
so i guess i did try to change … while strongly resisting it at the same time, questioning those ppl, why, saying, i am happy to be myself

Illusionary says:
so now, the question is, did i change or not?

Illusionary says:
i think i did, i was more aware of The World, of Reality (as perceived by immediate friends)

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
you sold out.

Illusionary says:
and perhaps, that revealed how high the possibility is that i will fail as a human

Illusionary says:

  • as a human/person living in current circumstances, at this epoch, this stage of history

Illusionary says:
did i forget to stay stubborn? current conventions would question, must you stay stubborn? stubbornness is bad, means inflexibility

Illusionary says:
current conventions voiced by the liberal (logical? what i mean to say is the doctrine of 'question everything') mode of thinking i suppose

Illusionary says:
so, a) should i go back to being 'myself'? b) is it still possible for me to go back to being 'myself'? c) who was 'myself'? how was it like? is it actually better

Illusionary says:
what did i used to strive to do? i strived to stare at the face of unexpected/surprising/dire/unusual circumstances and say: that is normal, that is okay

Illusionary says:
this becoz it is impressive to others … it perplexes others

Illusionary says:
i wanted to be knowledgeable, more so than any others … and i think for a long time i was quite ahead of others

Illusionary says:
then uni changed all of that

Illusionary says:
no, wait, that started in high school

Illusionary says:
high school showed me someone who could think more maturedly than me

Illusionary says:
a–levels showed me someone who knew more than i could possibly know (in philosophy and ideas of the antiquity and history)

Illusionary says:
uni showed me someone who can demonstrate how much more right (correct) than i am in virtually every issue we dont agree with

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
hmm

Illusionary says:
(in short, someone who is more clever than me)

Illusionary says:
so since high school i have to admit that my life is in a descending shape of decline

Illusionary says:
theory of relativity … who moved? did i stay still (stagnant)? or is it The World who left me behind?

Illusionary says:
(logically i suppose both could be true, but i was going for something else)

Illusionary says:
so anyway … my mind is trickling out now

Illusionary says:
i think that's the end of pseudo–psycho talk

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
you gotta put this in your blog

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
sorry about my lack of response

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
was writing a desperate email to recruit this cinematographer

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
had to sound as sincere as possible

Illusionary says:
well, about half way through writing that i realised i WAS writing for the blog … so your lack of response was kinda inconsequential

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
oh, all right

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
anyway, going to uni doesn't really make me feel anylesser

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
in fact, it kinda boosted my ego

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
made me realize how unique i can actually be

Illusionary says:
maybe going to US will be that experience for me … though somehow i feel like loud and boisterous americans will just scare me off

Illusionary says:
coz the english are reserved … and that's partly why i feel compelled to stay on in london

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
i think it's better for you too

Illusionary says:
well, i dont really want to be loud and boisterous … unless i might enjoy it later, but that's hard to imagine

Illusionary says:
i mean, all i need to be confident is to be sure of myself

Illusionary says:
the reason in the past i am confident is becoz i was sure of myself, even though my ideas and train of thoughts seemed insane to other ppl around me

Illusionary says:
so i didnt really care what other ppl were thinking, all i knew was i was right

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
just try to reclaim that confidence, man

Illusionary says:
and that was probably when i could have directed stuff … coz i was SURE

Illusionary says:
well, it's not just a simple act of reclaiming confidence … question is how, and i need to do this 'right', as in in a manner natural to me

Illusionary says:
not following what other ppl say like what everyone said i should do … and not following self help books (maybe that ruined me for the last ten yrs?)

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
i never read selfhelp books

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
i just believe what is right for me

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
my ego makes me think a lot about myself

Illusionary says:
heh, that's not hard to believe about you

Great Swifty (Edmund) ??? says:
definitely

Okay, some parts were kinda irrelevant. In case you're interested, you can visit the Ultimate Narcissistic, Great Swifty at swiftywriting.blogspot.com.


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