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What would happen if all the humans disappeared?
It’s a little bit scary… maybe we should just go now?
19 Oct 2006 11:24
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This made me laugh out loud when I saw it on the news earlier…
"A teenager who knocked himself out while chasing a Double Gloucester cheese down a hill was among 25 people hurt in a Cheese Rolling competition."
How would you explain this to the nurses in the A&E?!
"One spectator was given treatment after being hit by a runaway cheese."
Um, yes, I was watching some idiots running down a hill after some large cheeses, when one of said cheeses hit me… They're quite hard, those cheeses…
13 Jun 2006 21:08
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WARNING - THIS IS A VERY LONG BLOG ENTRY - IT'S ABOUT 2000 WORDS!!!
So before I begin, I need to explain several things about me, for those who don't know.
1) I have a bit of a secret fear of water. Well alright, it can actually be a fairly paralysing fear, if I think about it too much… This could be an issue when the plan for this weekend was, well, swimming in the sea.
2) I hate running. I honestly, truly despise it and actually cannot think of anything I hate doing more.
3) I like to stay in bed in the mornings.
Those facts in place, let me begin the epic tale of Warwick's adventures at the Bournemouth Beach Weekend, 2006.
The journey to Bournemouth took us significantly less time than it should have because Simon was driving, despite the detour via Southampton and also the somewhat 'interesting' music that lives in the world of Mel and Stu's CD collection… After a briefing about the weekend, we got our T shirts and, since it was a lifesaving weekend, we went to the pub.
I was in a group with Helen, Brum's new Captain/President thingy, I can never remember what they're called, and after a few drinks, we went down to the beach and had a sandcastle building competition… Except that we had to make erotic sculptures instead of castles… and they weren't so much erotic as just plain obscene. Pants and bras were removed and added to the sand, numerous rude parts of the body were fashioned, and some of us were intimately involved with the sculptures – but I think Stu had the more embarrassing role – photos to follow when Mel gives them to me!
So, Simon drove us back to the scout hut, after a small unplanned detour, and we got ourselves settled for a nice long sleep… Or not. Many of us were woken in the night by some mysterious humming, which seemed to be coming from Miss Mel. And then, just when I had fallen back into a nice deep sleep, there was a big bell and lots of whistles! My heartbeat did not slow down for about five minutes, it scared me witless!
Once awake and down on the beach, we were informed that we wouldn't be allowed to have our breakfast unless we went for a bit of a run, starting with all the steps up the cliff. Now, I'm told that the full run was probably about a mile and a half, maybe less, but trust me, it felt like a full marathon. I walked less than half, a true achievement, and I wasn't even last. So I got my BBQed breakfast and very nice it was too, but whether it was worth the pain of running and Blondie telling that I was "doing great" is another matter.
Our first two activities were nice and dry, with foot patrol first and then defib training, which was great fun with Mel. We had lunch and then went off to get into our wetsuits, which was almost as strenuous as the running. The next activity was Malibu Boards, which was great fun – surfing down the waves – until Helen decided to try to sabotage next year's Warwick squad! She was ahead of me when a wave hit her, and when she came off her board, it hit me on the chin. It really wasn't anything serious, but it was funny to watch about ten lifesavers jogging to get me out of the water! Unfortunately, the people on patrol (Stu) were nowhere to be seen…!
Half an hour's break gave me a chance to carry some buckets of sand from the back of the hut to the beach in order to earn my tea on Sunday night, and also to mock Simon, who hadn't done any of his 20 required buckets. The reel and line was next, where a rescuer is attached to a long bit of string, then swims out, gets their casualty and is pulled back in by the rest of their team. The casualty is then lifted up and carried up the beach, causing me more large amounts of pain and bruised ribs.
By the end of the session, it was clear that, although it had been cloudy all day, certain people had still managed to get a bit of a tan. Well, a bit of sunburn, actually. All of Stu's team, plus Simon, had managed to brand themselves with distinctive sunburn right up to their eyebrows, where it stopped dead! Attractive. Tea was fish and chips, then we all went out to Bournemouth Uni's live music event, where Jean joined us. We saw a cool band at the first pub, where Mel knew all of two songs they played, but distracted herself with half a bottle of wine. By the time we left the pub, Rob from St Andrews was at the "shhh–ing" stage of drunken–ness, and I was, well, slightly merry. The second pub was stunningly smoky, so we left quickly and went to The Old Firestation. Mel had disappeared, so me and the boys got some drinks and watched Mohair, who gave Stu a bit of deja vu, but they were really ace! Simon wandered off, so we got more drinks, and then Stu performed another mysterious disappearing act, which he's getting quite good at. So me and Simon had a very interesting little chat… By that point, I was knackered, so I went back to the Scout Hut in preparation for another busy day, while Simon stayed behind for more, ahem, socialising.
Sunday started with sunshine at the window and a total lack of bell, and we all headed off to the beach for an even longer run, up and down and up and down again to earn our sausage sandwiches. Our group did some navigation first thing, which I was rubbish at, ended up on the wrong side of the river, and then we went back in the water with the canoes. That was a bit scary, I was really worried about rolling over with the waves, but it was all good; I stayed upright and surfed the waves.
After lunch we stripped off for lifeguarding skills, and went swimming in the sea sans wetsuits… Brrr. Last activity of the was power boating, when I got to drive the boats very fast! Muchly fun it was too, followed by a nice cold shower, just in case we weren't chilly enough already.
Everyone got dressed and ready for the social, except for a small number of fools who got ready to compete in a reel and line competition, with Stu Warwick, Rob St Andrews, Chris Soton, Kieran Brum and Stu Notts preparing to rescue Rosie Brum from the sea, competing against Bournemouth Lifeguard Corps and Worcester Citizens (although why they were there is a mystery). After the swim out, Kieran was about level with Worcester, but ahead of Bournemouth. Uni started to pull in, staying dead in line with Worcester all the way in, who, by the way, looked like a very large tug–of–war team. Chris, Rob and other Stu managed to get Rosie and a fairly exhausted Kieran to the shallows just before Worcester, whilst Stu did some heroic work reeling the wet, sandy line in, causing a seriously impressive wound to his hand. Uni team ran up the beach, neck and neck with Worcester, and just barely crossed the line ahead of them! A fantastic victory for the Unis, finishing waaaay ahead of Bournemouth.
A quick clear up and a first aid job on Stu, it was time for a bit of Beach Pants. Apparently, this is an actual event in the International Lifesaving Rules… Only not with pants, obviously. The idea is that the competitors lay face down on the sand, and on the signal, they jump up, turn round and run towards some pants. The person who ends up without a pair of pants is eliminated, and the winner is the last one with pants. The pants did manage to get themselves hidden quite well as the game progressed, whilst I was out in the first round! Stu gave up in the first round of the boy's competition, and Simon went out in the second round. Possibly the funniest moment was when Chris Stock, the most competitive man on the planet, went out with four rounds to go and was truly and honestly devastated… Poor guy.
So then, onto the inevitable drinking games. The first was a wheelbarrow race in teams, where one person got pushed by another towards a washing–up bowl full of some sort of alcoholic mixture, where they had to drink as much as they could before being wheeled back to their group. I say 'wheeled back', I was in the afore–mentioned Chris's group, and, due to a fit of giggles, I struggles to get back onto my hands to go back to the group. Chris decided it would be a great idea to pull me back by my legs, taking half the beach with me. Thankfully, this isn't on film, thank goodness. Anyway, Stu's team pulled off a spectacular victory in that game and we moved on to the next one. This involved running across the beach to down as much skanky White Lightening as possible, then spinning around a torpedo buoy ten times, before running back across the beach… if you could make it that far. I was very proud to stay upright and in a relatively straight line, whilst Kieran went straight onto the floor when he started to run, whereas Stu didn't even begin his run! Our group, despite being nearest the sea and therefore having a greater potential for serious incident, were outstanding and won by a mile.
Kangaroo Court followed; which reminds me, I never got round to asking why it's called that… But anyway. Plenty of people were nominated for misdemeanours, and most were forced to drink a mixture of Guiness and Baileys through a funnel. Mel was put forward for her distinctive humming in her sleep, and consumed two cups of Baileys. Rhi was made to drink for her avoidance of all and any running, and Helen from Brum got her comeuppance for hitting me with her Malibu board! Simon was ridiculed for putting his wetsuit on back–to–front (fool), but his penalty was passed on to Phil. Simon then nominated Stu, suggesting that Stu had been the one who stole the clanger from the bell. This turned out to be untrue, so Stu was allowed to nominate his penalty to four other people. He chose Rhi, other Stu, himself, and me, because he's a git and I blame him for the chronic hangover I had yesterday.
By this time, we were all a bit knackered and decided to leave, so Simon drove us all home. I fairly sure I woke up at least once to check that Simon was ok, but I may be lying. All in all, it was a truly amazing weekend, it was totally fantastic. I got to know people so much better than I did before and even though it was totally knackering, it was worth it to get into a hot shower yesterday morning. Although I'm not sure my leg muscles will ever be the same again…
30 May 2006 21:47
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This is bloody hilarious and has been distracting me now for about 20 minutes…
17 May 2006 15:52
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So, the last uni comp of the year, and Warwick A are ahead in the A league, but catchable, and Warwick B have an outside chance at the B league because Nottingham very kindly decided not to bring their B team…
A late–starting comp meant that we didn't have to leave too early, so we picked Dan up at 9, then went to Kelly's to be truely shocked and amazed to find them waiting on the curb for us! Trust me, this has never never happened before…
It took us a couple of hours to get to Southampton, only to find that Simon, who had left about an hour after us, got there well before us… wonder how he managed that…?!
Once we'd registered we gathered the club together for a presentation from the mysterious black box. Kelly, Jim, Jean and Stu were all awarded the Warwick Lifesaving Tangoman Trophy for Executive Excellence!
So then we all got changed and settled down in isolation. The Old Boys were first out, as they were needed as bodies, and then Warwick C went out. Warwick A were next. We stood waiting to go outside for the dry incident, speculating that surely they wouldn't repeat the Warwick incident? Would they?
A quick run up the stairs brought us in sight of, yes, a car plus casualties. Maybe it was the shock of seeing our incident all over again, but apparently, none of us shouted for help, well, not loudly enough anyway. If we had, Blondie would have appeared with a note book and knowledge of where the phone was. Darn it.
Anyway, we treated all the casulaties well, asking questions to find out that the first aid kit was in the glove box, that the boot was locked, the keys had been lost, that another driver had stabbed one of our casualties, and also our casualties' names. Memories of Warwick comp meant that Stu was desperate to get in the boot, although we found out later that there was nothing helpful in there. Jen and Louise developed a new way to treat for shock, in the absence of any other way to elevate our casualties' legs, we made them face each other and brace their legs against each other… On the whole, an odd incident. Warwick B performed somewhat better, helped by Alex's super–loud shouting for help.
The wet was equally odd, with no apparent scenario in place… Where else, aside from a lifesaving comp, would you come across five or six people swimming in a harbour, two unconscious children and unconscious baby in the water, and a group of special needs kids on the jetty, playing with balls and skipping ropes?!? Our start was a bit slow as we tried to work out how to get the aids from the people on the side, eventually working out that Rhi was the key. Jim sensibly avoided Jon and Simon, and Louise and Jim eventually managed to sweep most of the casualties to the side, and Stu sent Jim back out for the other children. Warwick B were also slow to start, but once they got going, they were very effective, Alex's big mouth helping again to bring in the swimmers, and Dan sensible avoiding Jon and Simon.
The rope throw was just wierd, as Stu missed twice and Jim missed twice, obviously just to build up the tension to let the girls both get their first throws out, finishing with about three seconds to spare.
The swim and tow and gates swims went off without a hitch, and everyone got out to get ready for the Hawaiian social… and the results of course.
After pasta for tea, Warwick B were placed ahead of Brum B, in 9th position, and Warwick A were placed an average 6th place, and Mel and Stu ran off with the results. Some speedy maths revealed that we had (probably) done the double, and won both leagues! With a sense of release more than celebration, we all joined in with Other Stu's circle for red laces…
and face paint…
There was also a funnel involved…
There was a boatrace win to round off the victories, and certain other people also scored…
An ace social, a seriously odd comp, a brilliant weekend.
09 May 2006 13:11
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I watched Lost last night, the double bill. I figure I'm quite far behind, and everyone's seen about half a series ahead of me, but I don't care!
I really enjoyed the first series, the first half at least, I thought it was super good. Opening scenes, amazing. Then it started to go a bit downhill when Marcus Bridgestock explained his Lost theory on the radio… Which I have now taken onboard and expanded on.
See, here's the thing. Someone has obviously wandered into the TV people's office (They all share one office, y'know) one morning and said "Right you guys, I've got this fantastic idea for a show. This aeroplane crashes on an island, some people die, some don't, there's a doctor, there's a few sexy girls and an English bloke, and we can film it in Hawaii, woo!"
Then his friend says: "So have you got any sort of plot yet?"
And the first one says: "Nah, but didn't you hear, we get to film in Hawaii!"
"Oh right, well then, let's go! We can write it on the plane on the way over, yeah!"
And there you have it. The people writing the script have absolutely NO IDEA what is going on!!! Nothing is ever going to be explained, because there's no sodding explaination! Still, I can't help watching it, just to see what further absurdities they write in in order to make it all make sense, like the woman who, we suddenly find out, speaks English…
03 May 2006 16:46
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I went to see Derren Brown last night at the Warwick Arts Centre… was amazing! Seriously, he is a scary guy and he needs to be locked up, but he was super good. I don't really want to say what was in the show, in case anyone else goes to see him, but…
There was lots of scary mind reading stuff, and imagining animals and stuff (which I, along with the rest of the audience, got right, but Jon did not.), and there was some scary sick pain stuff as well.
My favourite thing was the subliminal video he played that made exactly four people in four specific seat numbers feel an overwhelming desire to get up and go on stage. They felt sick, their hearts started racing, their hands got all sweaty and they couldn't breathe properly, based entirely on their seat numbers! How, how?!?!
At the same time, I am a bit worried that I've developed an inexplicable predaliction for the number 14 and the colour blue… Hmmm…
21 Apr 2006 18:26
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Ok look. I'm really bored. I was going to watch Crocodile Dundee, but now I'm not. So I'm doing this instead, because I haven't got any other questionnaires to do. This one's from Sarah's blog. God I'm bored.
– Amount of music on my computer?
4.34GB That's fairly pathetic I realise, but I just listen to the same stuff over and over again.
– Five most listened-to songs?
1. The Killers – Mr Brightside.
This is one of my favourite songs ever, although it's hard to pick just one song. Just hearing the intro gives me a big lift and I give myself headache dancing to it, such an ace track.
2. Madness – Wings of a Dove
From my one of my favourite films, 10 Things, this is another song that lifts me, and it's a great dancing song.
3. Damien Rice – Cannonball
Lovely song. Granted, makes me cry if I'm a bit down, but it chills me out, it's so beautiful.
4. Greenday – Good Riddance
Reminds me of sailing on the Tall Ships for the first time, one of the best times of my life, total exhilaration and being at peace with the world.
5. REM - Orange Crush
Classic track, classic band, love the greatest hits album.
Oo oo, and baywatch, of course. The original, of course.
– Most embarrassing track/album?
Um yeah. How long do you have?
All of the Robbie Williams albums. But they're allowed, right? I've had them since I was young enough for them not to be embarrassing!
Avril Lavigne. From my youthful rock stage, when I had no shame…
Ian Dury and the Blockheads. Nah, screw it, I'm quite proud of that one!
Hit me with your rhythm stick.
Beat my embarrassment if you can!
19 Apr 2006 22:02
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Not only did I have to get up at stupid o'clock on Saturday morning, I also had to drag Jon out of bed to take me to bloody Leam… Not an easy task… And then, Jim was late!!! Grrr…
The mini bus drive was, well actually, stupidly long! There was a wrong turn about half way through which took us onto the small scenic route, and no one told us. Granted, I didn't really notice anyway, because I was trying not to be sick with nerves about captaining, bloody Stu, bloody family commitments, grr.
We eventually found the (very posh) sports centre, which, although very posh, looked as though they'd run out of money half way across the roof, and registered. Warwick were very chuffed to find that the A Team were out 3rd, followed swiftly by Warwick B, proving Jim's theory that the last out jinx is actually on Stu.
Our massive group of helpers were rounded up and sent off, and our small band of competitiors were sent on a stupidly long treck to isolation, which was in a random classroom. The captains, me and Rach, hung around for captain's briefing and wasted time making up incidents for Warwick comp next year and speculating about the full-building dry incident that Bath were obviously setting up…
Once we were out of isolation, we waited for the dry… only to be handed a booklet of paper and given three minutes to read it. Warwick A noted that there were 6 syncro swimmers, repeating this out loud about 6 times… ahem. Most of the booklet was made up of junk emails that I had sent to Mel! We also spotted the parachute jumper, the man with the megaphone, the music and the drunken person. We like this telling us the incident before the incident!
The dry was in a small changing room with 4 separate rooms, an unconcious adult, an epileptic fit, a baby, a drunk person, a cut foot, a phone, a first aid kit and someone who ran in, slipped and broke their pelvis… unless you put the wet floor sign out… Well done Rach!
The wet was interesting, just for being in a 50m pool. The A Team ran out and shouted their stuff, only to be ignored by the people dancing about on the opposite side. Jim sent himself off to the parachute priority, whilst Louise went to deal with the Press bloke (Mark), after turning the music off. Gareth went off round the other side to deal with the swimmers in the water. I sorted the syncro swimmers, then fell over, then went to help lift the child out. The phone call was made and the guitar was used to get swimmers out… a bit random, but… Then I ran round to the other side in order to swear at Simon and get him to clear the pool. Not bad, all in all.
The rope throw was a bit slow, but not too much of a problem as we were one of only four teams to get all 4 in. The rescue medley was ok, but the swim and tow was just silly. Those 100m felt like the furthest I have ever swum in my whole life! It was awful.
A quick change in the super-hot changing rooms and we went for food. The much-awaited results were finaly announced. Warwick B made a fine show, coming 14th on Rach's first go at captaining, and Warwick A were announced the winners.
The fact that the results were cocked up and that we'd actually come second doesn't really matter, to be honest. I'm just as chuffed, I felt so amazing when I thought we'd won, that it was almost worth not winning! Second place is still pretty excellent for my first go at captaining the A and my first in a 50m pool. Oh well.
The social continued in a pub, with a pitcher of Woo Woo all to myself, and Rach and Gareth running an ace circle. Then we went onto a club, which was, um, crap. Rubbish music and stupidly expensive, but alcohol had been plentiful enough to make it ok. Some dancing, polos and photos followed, and then we got a taxi back to the Scout Hut. Which was cold. And damp. And I didn't care by that point.
Simon kicked us all out of bed in the morning to get back to finish his project, and we all slept on the minibus. Taking the right turning meant that we took half the time to get home, and I got to go back to bed.
An ace weekend, all in all.
29 Mar 2006 21:27
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Well. I have just been swapping insults with my friend from home Verity. Who is a bit mad. And the insults made me laugh so much, I just had to share…
Me: smeg head
Vee: spam features
cheese brain
pumpkin eyebrows
cucumber nose
sprout toes
stilton ears
raison eyes
garlic breasts
pasta bum
salad knees
pizza tummy
haddock thighs
parsnip shoulders
broccolli cheeks
breadcake ears
Obviously, the duplicate use of the word ears meant that Vee lost, she is a loser, she sucks, I rule and she drools.
Yey!
16 Mar 2006 16:54
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