May 08, 2005

The end of the Euronovel affair

Yesterday, I dumped someone.

I'd been seeing them since the beginning of Easter. After we were first introduced at the end of last term, for a while I thought about them before I got up the courage to find out more. Then, over the holidays, we gradually became inseparable. They were the last thing I looked at at night, and the first thing I thought about in the morning. Even when I was with my friends, I was still thinking about them in the back of my head, though I couldn't talk about it too much to my friends, because they didn't understand. They said it was boring and didn't matter, and I should just go out with them and have fun.

And then term started, and a whole load of other things started happening. For a few weeks I didn't think about them much… although they were there, clingy, demanding my attention, every time I got home or was about to go out with my friends. They became an irritation, something to keep me awake at night, make me feel guilty. We only have two more weeks together, they used to say, before I have to leave. Surely you won't begrudge me that?

This last weekend, I tried, I really did. I spent hours with them, gazing into their eyes. I ignored my friends. I locked myself in my room with them, drinking coffee. We stayed up till late in the evening, and were up again at dawn. Every time I wanted to go out, they stopped me with a guilty look. They even made me cry with frustration at one point. Every second I spent away from them they reproached me for. And I came to realise that this was a dead-end relationship in which I didn't have to be trapped.

So I took the initiative. I looked at them, with one long hard last look, and then I let them go. I told them they'd used up enough of my life now, that there was nothing more I could do for them, and it was time for them to leave me for good. I wanted to go outside – I wanted to see my friends and go shopping and have a life, and they were holding me back. It took guts, I'll admit, and letting go was hard, but I felt so much better after I'd gone up to the English department, and handed in my essay, two days early.

And I won't feel guilty about those two extra nights I could have spent with my dear essay before it had to go; I won't feel guilty that I'll go and see a film tonight with friends I have neglected in the past week instead of spending precious moments poring over it; I shall simply smile and continue to enjoy myself.

The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, and my essay rests quietly in the English office, neat and grave and pallid in its headers and footers. Do not mourn for me, it seems to say, for I forgive you.

I always suspected it was too pious for its own good.

- 10 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Had me going for far too long there…

    08 May 2005, 11:47

  2. It's been an emotional couple of days, essaywise…

    08 May 2005, 12:59

  3. Suyin

    Sweets, so glad you finally finished with him! You know what they say, better to have loved and lost, than never to have written the essay at all. See you later for beautiful Jake Gyllenhall sigh :) xx

    08 May 2005, 16:52

  4. you said a swear word.

    09 May 2005, 14:08

  5. my torrid love affair finished at 11 30 this morning. we finally said goodbye, though I think it was harder for her than for me. we'd been up all night listening to joni mitchel. she forced me to eat donuts to keep my energy up. eventually i was too much, but she could hold her own.
    how do you move on? how do you say goodbye? where do i go from here? so many questions!
    …i've had so many flings recently, i feel somehow alone. empty

    how sad

    09 May 2005, 15:09

  6. T'is tragic indeed :(

    and Jess, I think I can promise you that I will not profane in this manner again until just after Christmas next year. :)

    09 May 2005, 18:41

  7. very amusing.

    what do you do when u got two on the go at once though? that's what i need to know…

    10 May 2005, 23:18

  8. Well, then it's time for full-on relationship counselling, with tea and biscuits and pretty little coloured spider diagrams of your issues, whilst you moan 'I'm in over my head… and I don't know how to end it…' and then move on to sitting up till 4am, with both of them, telling them both you're a bad bad person, and you haven't given either of them the time they truly deserve, and it's all your fault. All of it.

    Not that I'm speaking from bitter experience, or anything…

    11 May 2005, 09:37

  9. spider diagrams… genius! wonder whether they'd work with human partners…

    14 May 2005, 16:56

  10. Sorry, what? Relationships can actually be formed with human partners ? Wow… that's a new thought… I should probably try that sometime. :)

    14 May 2005, 18:30

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