March 07, 2006

I'm Great, Employ Me…

… is something that is very hard to convey after you have been walking around in London in the pouring rain for three hours, getting lost in Soho, smiling back at dodgy men in fedoras and sunglasses, avoiding Scientologists who want to drag you into a back room for 'a little chat,' spending far too much time in close proximity to the Middle-Aged Potential-Adulterer Business Man type (ugh), spending far too much time in knee high boots that are retaining more rain-water than the London streets, and with scary mile high frizz hair.

Nevertheless, I feel I may have made my mark, if only in soggy wet patches on their lovely thick pile carpets.

And as reward, I am not going to attempt any Shakespeare whatsoever tonight. I am not even going to open the optimistically-named word document wherein it doth not lie. He is going to stay in the corner until tomorrow. Instead, I am going to ponder three of the world's great mysteries, prompted by today's adventures:

  1. Why, at the only point in your day when you actually do want a Starbucks, one is nowhere to be found. Yet as soon as you've given up and have settled for a dodgy paper cup of something brown coloured in the corner of a tube station, an outlet miraculously appears, warm and dry and cosy looking and smelling of actual coffee, whilst you stand outside in the rain, pressing your nose wistfully to the window like orphans do with toyshops in Dickens television adaptations.

  2. Why I only ever get chatted up by drunk guys and middle-aged married men. I mean, really. Do I have some sort of sign on my chest saying Get Your Adultery Here? Which, for the record, I categorically don't. And yes, talking about your wife is a great turn-on, as is the business card. I'll stick to my original game plan with the cats, thanks.

  3. Why on every train, it is prerequisite that there must always be one elderly lady with a suitcase that is larger than her, and also one bolshy man in a business suit and horrible pink tie, probably called something like 'Stu' or 'Phil,' who insists on talking very loudly and agitatedly into his mobile about something very very dull like the price of paperclips per 100g as if it's a war council, and then persists in sounding annoyed and surprised when the signal cuts out as if it's some unexpected crisis, and carries on barking 'Hello! Hello!' down the receiver til everybody around him wants to ram his stupid shiny black all-singing all-dancing phone-organiser-and-sex-toy-in-one gadget down his ugly pink tie throttled throat. Come on Stu/Phil, you must have got used to this whole flickery signal on a train sort of malarkey by now. Surely at least you saw Trigger Happy TV at some point in your paperclip filled existence?

Ah, that feels a lot better.

I knew Shakespeare wasn't a good idea tonight.

- 9 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. mark hanrahan

    Dear "I'm great – employ me",

    there are people dying of starvation in this world and you condescend to fill a website with your self-pity. What kind of an arse woman are you?

    I am a committed drunk – yet I spend my working day defending a 5" woman against junkies, drunken desperadoes, and even the police, who assume we must be thieves, given we deal with junkies.

    You sound like as shallow a person as I take you – knowing nothing nothing of Dickens- but you know enough to remember the expression "waif thru a streetshop window" –

    I can't take you for an intelligent person when you so liberally abuse Dickens to suppourt your abuse of men, but you have my email if you want an intelligent conversation.

    PS - my partners are a woman and her husband who both trust me, despite my drunkeness, and upon my honour.

    Can you find the word Honour in your diatribe – Ms unhappy?

    Email me for a definitiion – meanwhile dump the self-pity.


    07 Mar 2006, 23:53

  2. And I'm astonished you were offended!

    I liked reading this Elizabeth, one of the few blogs left that is actually funny still :)

    08 Mar 2006, 11:17

  3. A five inch woman eh?

    Whatever happened to a sense of humour?

    08 Mar 2006, 11:56

  4. Mark – Who the fuck do you think you are? There's certainly nothing honorable in your highly presumptious attack on Lizzie, who is a genuinely interesting and funny writer. Perhaps you should re-assess your own definition of the word before you start offering to share it round. In any case, I read this blog to see what she has to say, not to read about nonsensical fragments of your personal life in a writing style which is frankly ridiculous. You might want to think about how you come across before you start laying into someone you don't know and accusing them of not being intelligent.

    Lizzie – I'm incredibly impressed by your calm and apologetic response and that you didn't simply tell Mark to stick his comment up his arse. I'll see you later lovely :)


    P.S. Yo Mark, P.S. means postscript, therefore it goes AFTER the main body of your writing, imbecile.

    09 Mar 2006, 17:21

  5. Charlie

    Dear Mark…

    Fuck the pleasantries…you're a fool.
    You have no idea about the person you are talking to, and i should hope you don't either, because there is no reason for a dick head like you to come into contact with a wonderful, intelligent person like Lizzie.

    Do you really have such a boring life that you feel the need to post retarded comments on a strangers blog…?
    Go away and get a life.

    Lizze –
    Dude you're tolerance never fails to impress me.
    And for the record, in my humble oppinion your writing kicks-ass! I'm your biggestest ever fan i luuuurve you…and ben wants your autograph (ahem…ok ok i do) next time we're strolling along the beach.
    Also i've got some brilliant books you need to read, but first attend to Mr. Shakespeare :)

    Miss ya honey xxx

    10 Mar 2006, 13:36

  6. I suspect that Mark is one of the #2 gentlemen you met in London and is so shocked and upset to learn that the attractive and interesting young girl in fact /didn't/ want to have an affair with him in a 2* hotel that he has been unforgivably rude instead. Seems like the only logical explanation.

    B x

    21 Mar 2006, 00:44

  7. I'm with Suyin. What kind of a tit is the man?

    You're too polite for your own good. I hope you were writing your reply in a very very sarcastic way…

    01 Apr 2006, 21:22

  8. Rachael

    Well as someone who shares the employment search and trudging around in ghastly wind whipped rain (in Tasmania, Australia), I loved the piece Mark was so offended by and I think he should save his vitriol for his nearest and dearest and leave unemployed bloggers alone ! :) Hope you got work Elizabeth – anyone who has to trudge around by foot in crappy weather wearing corporate gear and smiling endlessly through interviews with people who are generally less intelligent than yourself deserves success!

    12 Jul 2006, 06:57

  9. Rhea

    I too am enjoying the eternal job search. I suffer the affliction of a ‘well rounded’ cv.

    07 Apr 2007, 21:54

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