All entries for Sunday 08 May 2005
May 08, 2005
Yesterday, I dumped someone.
I'd been seeing them since the beginning of Easter. After we were first introduced at the end of last term, for a while I thought about them before I got up the courage to find out more. Then, over the holidays, we gradually became inseparable. They were the last thing I looked at at night, and the first thing I thought about in the morning. Even when I was with my friends, I was still thinking about them in the back of my head, though I couldn't talk about it too much to my friends, because they didn't understand. They said it was boring and didn't matter, and I should just go out with them and have fun.
And then term started, and a whole load of other things started happening. For a few weeks I didn't think about them much… although they were there, clingy, demanding my attention, every time I got home or was about to go out with my friends. They became an irritation, something to keep me awake at night, make me feel guilty. We only have two more weeks together, they used to say, before I have to leave. Surely you won't begrudge me that?
This last weekend, I tried, I really did. I spent hours with them, gazing into their eyes. I ignored my friends. I locked myself in my room with them, drinking coffee. We stayed up till late in the evening, and were up again at dawn. Every time I wanted to go out, they stopped me with a guilty look. They even made me cry with frustration at one point. Every second I spent away from them they reproached me for. And I came to realise that this was a dead-end relationship in which I didn't have to be trapped.
So I took the initiative. I looked at them, with one long hard last look, and then I let them go. I told them they'd used up enough of my life now, that there was nothing more I could do for them, and it was time for them to leave me for good. I wanted to go outside – I wanted to see my friends and go shopping and have a life, and they were holding me back. It took guts, I'll admit, and letting go was hard, but I felt so much better after I'd gone up to the English department, and handed in my essay, two days early.
And I won't feel guilty about those two extra nights I could have spent with my dear essay before it had to go; I won't feel guilty that I'll go and see a film tonight with friends I have neglected in the past week instead of spending precious moments poring over it; I shall simply smile and continue to enjoy myself.
The sun is shining, it is a beautiful day, and my essay rests quietly in the English office, neat and grave and pallid in its headers and footers. Do not mourn for me, it seems to say, for I forgive you.
I always suspected it was too pious for its own good.