November 13, 2007

The Future of Extremely Clever Things….

Ah! Can’t you just smell it? The Autumn leaves lie in golden heaps: a new academic year is underway, a new(ish) VC takes the helm and a fresh set of targets cascade down for us all to aim for.
The University’s Strategic intent of being a globally-recognised top 50 institution by three weeks next Tuesday has certainly prompted me (as head of Europe’s premier Institution for Extremely Clever Thinking) to consider how we may best contribute to the corporate goal.
Firstly, after much deliberation with my highly subservient team of minions, I have written a Strategic Objective-Geared Goal, Year 2015 Statement (SOGGY 2015) for the Department of ECT (obviously this supercedes any previous Mission Statements as they no longer conform to current corporate buzzword standards).
Henceforth; “By 2015, 85% of all internationally-acknowledged Good Ideas will originate from Warwick Dept. of ECT”. Strategy:  Use More of This!
Clearly this will be a challange. I will be calling upon all of my staff to make extra efforts in being clever, over-and-above their current background of Intelligence Quotient mediocrity.
It also has to be acknowledged that such an ambitious target will not be achieved solely by thrashing the incumbent staff to greater efforts.
Not at all. This will require inspired leadership.
To this end, I have unleashed Dr. Tristram Quibble, (freshly recruited from Oxford’s School of Vexatious Conundra) to look into establishing an appropriate definition of The Standard International Good Idea. If he has the calibre of brain that I believe I have paid for, we should find that his work will assist us considerably by making the submissions of rival institutions invalid by definition. A good start by anybody’s standards.
However, other improvements will also need to be made.
We in the Dept. of ECT have already maximised our administrative potential (see below) – it is difficult to see how we could improve in this area as it is already practically impossible to get anything at all done.
This leads us to consider our media profile and how it may be raised. To this end, I have entered Dr. Melrose Pinchwibbly for ITV’s next season of “I’m a Celebrity Academic, Give Me More TV Exposure” after the continued success of Germaine Greer in this field (or jungle, or whatever).
It cannot be avoided however, that if we are going to attract the standard of mind that can help us to reach the giddy heights of international recognition envisaged then there is only one course of action.
We need a New Logo.
Watch this space for exciting developments!
Prof. Edwin Marmaduke Bambleweeny (FRSECT and Capt. Golly Club, retd.)
Director, Warwick Dept. of Extremely Clever Things

- 4 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

  1. Jay

    Being a long term member of ECT, I saw you article as “an invitation to contribute an idea” This is a radical concept for the ECT and I aplaud you for your bravery. Long may you remain our great leader! It is such foresighted thinking that led me from ignorance and slavery to the service of the ECT and a lifetime of, let me see? oh! ignorance and slavery! never mind at least I have seen the vision!

    Anyway back to my idea! since we cannot possibly compete anymore on clever ideas in this world due to the increased efficency created by our new administrative structure (which ensures that the work has been done even before we have thought of it! this may be related to the exploitation of the mysterious Higgs-Boson which you described previously), why do you not relocate the department or perhaps even the whole university onto 2nd life, here we have a whole new virgin world (though I guess by defintion Richard Branson will be there controlling everything) where we can introduce plagurised ideas from all the work in world one (life 1 ?) and finally be recognised as the world leading organisation that we deserve to be! ps. If this does not work on 2nd Life, lets create 3rd Life and so on, until we reach a world were microbes interact and we would be truely kings.
    Please note this idea and reward me at the next Merit Pay Review round.

    13 Nov 2007, 16:20

  2. Eddy Bambleweeny

    Dr. Bal’s acknowledgement of the efficiencies brought about by the new administrative teams is heartening but I fear his initial cynicism is in danger of blighting his otherwise excellent cerebellum (ignorance and slavery? I think “enlightened munificence” was the phrase your typing fingers were searching for!)
    Certainly the idea is an interesting one but not without need for caution; what if your 2nd Life avatar turned out not to be Extremely Clever? On my first foray into 2nd Life my avatar developed on a strange tangent and I was forced to have him sectioned.
    Regarding your final note, I refer you to Departmental policy: as you well know, You Get Merit Pay When I Get My Nobel Prize. Keep the ideas coming Dr. Bal!

    14 Nov 2007, 08:56

  3. Jay Bal

    Dear Professor Bambleweeny,

    I must caution you about entering 2nd life unprepared! I find that it takes at least three pints of Tribute, before I can contemplete leaving our dull grey world and entering the high definition world of second life.
    Please sir, I have another idea! I know that I have used up my quota of ideas for 2007 (and thank you for increasing it from 0.43267 to 1.2487 last year) – if we go to second life, you can start to reward us by putting us all onto virtual pay and rewarding particularly clever ideas by awarding cars from the virtual car pool ( though I do realise that this scheme may be in existance at the moment ( presumably through your mastery of the Higgs- Boson) as I can see the pool cars ( in the ECT car park ) but can never enter them!
    Please note in my blog, my other clever idea of a Star Wars Speeder Bike made of the recycled paper generated by our administrative department.

    14 Nov 2007, 12:02

  4. Miss Pinchpenny

    The cost of acheiving a SOGGY state is quite high and I’m not sure that you will be able to acheive your objective without at least a further administrative process in place. This of course means employing more administrative staff.
    I’ve received several requests for secondment to ECT from willing employees of Oxford’s School of Vexatious Conundra, who assert that it’s not only Dr Tristram Quibble’s brain that is of a high calibre. With such good reccommendations I would be happy to increase funding to ECT so we can all experience SOGGY with Dr Quibble.

    16 Nov 2007, 12:38

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