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September 11, 2005


Hello underlings. Again your ignorance concerning common areas of knowledge has led me to write some more words, about things. This time it’s elephants?


Yes indeed.

The history of the

Elephants...elephant is long and boring. It all started in the Woolly Age when elephants were woolly and their name was Mammoths. It would not be until later that they would realise they were named after Mammoth Cave National Park in Kentucky and be forced to seek a new moniker (elephant) in order to avoid copyright issues.

They would later find that they had existed several tens of thousands of years before human civilisation had been established, but by that point it was too late, all the forms had been sent in.

The mammoth period was relatively interesting nonetheless, involving many a scuffle with a dinosaur, often arising from an argument about who last put the rubbish bins out on a Thursday or why there was toothpaste on the toilet seat (dinosaurs are notorious jerks).

An elephant never

fails to impress the ladies. It also supposedly has a good memory, but I’m still waiting for the fiver I lent to Henry last week. On second thought, Henry may actually just be a human with a very long nose. There’s me again, always too quick to animalise people based on outstanding facial characteristics. I’m pretty sure Alan the Duck is actually a duck though.

The animals certainly have their uses. Many a time have I used them to my strategic advantage when placed in a tight spot. Have a look here at this bit of a Soduku I was trying to finish off.

Pretty tricky stuff, and I’m awful at Sudoku, and I am always spelling it wrong which never helps matters. Anyway after a certain, very short, spell of deliberation I unleashed the mother of all Soduko on this Sudoku.

No problem!

Elephants are made of

various different minerals, which give them their grey leathery texture, and rough feel when rubbed against the tongue. Also, they smell of elephants; I cannot for the life of me imagine a situation where this would be beneficial, but you never know. Their tusks are made out of piano keys, and it is for this reason that elephants are natural musicians. The African Elephant orchestra is wonderful if you can make it all the way over there; if you want to check them out there are fairly frequent trains to Redditch.

The food of

elephants is nuts (yeah it’s crazy, har har), we all know this from circuses and Disney’s Dumbo. But what do they have for pudding? We just don’t know. Some say meringue, others say this is far too delicate a dessert for the elephant’s unwieldy flat feet. However these people are quick to criticise, but if you press them for a better answer they will bury their heads in the sand. These people turn out to be ostriches. Animalised again! Well that’s what you get.

And finally,

Why is there a steering wheel on your crotch?

Yarrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!