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April 07, 2011

31 Films In 31 Days

So I decided to watch 31 films in March. Deciding to this on the 5th meant I had to cram them in at various points, so I would advise if you do do this to either start on the 1st of the month, or pick a shorter month like February, June or Glovember. Oh, and don’t watch five Almodovar films in two days, it really messes with your perception of reality.

The films:

The Philadelphia Story (1940)
Dr Strangelove (1964)
Dark Star (1974)
Warriors (1979)
Pepe Luci Bom (1980)
Dark Habits (1983)
Blood Simple (1984)
Tie Me Up Tie Me Down (1990)
Desperado (1995)
Live Flesh (1997)
Taxi (1998)
Bend It Like Beckham (2002)
Hero (2002)
Sky Blue (2003)
Lost In Translation (2003)
Appleseed (2004)
Saving Face (2004)
Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey (2005)
Helvetica (2007)
Elite Squad (2007)
The Duchess (2008)
Gomarrah (2008)
Wall E (2008)
Sunshine Cleaning (2008)
A Prophet (2009)
Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Inglorious Basterds (2009)
Up (2009)
The Infidel (2010)
RED (2010)
Submarine (2011)

31 films, 31 days, ten conclusions.

1. European crime films are much harder hitting than American ones, but American ones have more guns.
2. Pixar make amazingly beautiful films with excellent plots.
3. Amazingly beautiful Japanese/Korean animations usually have a pile of fluffy sci fi bollocks where the plot should be.
4. Katharine Hepburn is amazing.
5. Helen Mirren + machine gun = good times.
6. Eleven of the films were subtitled, three were partially subtitled, Dark Star was so mumbly it should have had subtitles, and Wall E showed dialogue wasn’t entirely necessary anyway.
7. Documentaries about typefaces can be fun.
8. Keira Knightley isn’t that irritating when she’s allowed to be sassy.
9. Three of the films featured directors acting, although I would never voluntarily watch a film directed by Eli Roth.
10. Submarine has the best mullet ever in it.

June 18, 2009

Looking For Eric Sequels

Writing about web page

One of the more unusual recent films (as in there are no giant killer robots at all) is Looking For Eric a film about a postman called Eric, whose life is a mess. In his time of need he starts to hallucinate that Eric Cantona, the second best no.7 United ever had (come on, Best shades it) and certainly the most entertaining Frenchman to play football in England ever (yes, more than Theirry Henry) comes to visit him. Eric Cantona in this film gives advice in a cryptic-poetic way, delivered in a thick French accent, with a hint of enigma and mystery to him. “I am Cantona” he reminds us.

Now in this day and age of franchises left, right and centre, this project clearly needs sequels! So here are some proposed sequel ideas. Feel free to take the ones you like and give me half the takings. I’ve decided that it’s best to tailor them to other clubs, as we cannot let Manchester United hog the limelight.

Looking For Shearer

Alan is a down and out pub landlord whose life is a mess. In his time of need he starts to hallucinate that Alan Shearer has come to visit him. After an initial mix up, in which Alan Shearer assumes Alan is a defender and elbows him in the head, Alan Shearer sets about giving bland and insight free ‘advice’ which inspires Alan to take his shirt off in very cold weather and support Newcastle United. Warning – film does not have a happy ending.

Looking For Carragher

Jamie is a down and out-of-work docker whose life is a mess. In his time of need he starts to hallucinate that Jamie Carragher has come to visit him. Jamie Carragher may or may not be offering Jamie some fantastic advice on how to sort his life out, but it’s almost impossible to tell as he has an accent thicker than Cantona’s French one. Subtitled.

Looking For Zola

Jonny Francis is a down and out city banker whose life is a mess. In his time of need he starts to hallucinate that Gianfranco Zola has come to visit him. Gianfranco Zola teaches Johnny Francis that he used to be likeable before he got too much money and started making everyone else’s lives harder. Johnny Francis gives up his job in the city to become an East End Cockney barrow-boy. He ends the film really popular again, only for the cliffhanger as the city bank ask for him to come back… Contains scenes of wealthy bankers some viewers may find offensive.

Looking For Steve Bull

Stephen is a down and out Wolves fan whose life is a mess. In his time of need he starts to hallucinate that Steve Bull comes to visit him. Stephen learns from Steve Bull that it’s not always necessary to be famous to be a hero to lots of people in the Black Country. Stephen takes up the challenge, and wins Black Country Idol, a regional pop contest. He becomes a huge hit in Wovlerhampton, has minor success in Dudley, and is never heard of by anyone outside of the area. Warning – this film contains parochial humour.

Looking For Louis Saha

Lewis is a physiotherapist in Liverpool whose life is a mess. In his time of need he starts to hallucinate that Louis Saha is injured again and needs his help to get him fit enough to walk from one side of the room to another without shattering into thousands of tiny fragments. Lewis tends Louis Saha back to health and sets him loose on football. A few days later Lewis gets the call that Louis Saha is injured again. Lewis then realises he is not hallucinating and is, in fact, trapped in an endless Groundhog Day style reality. A documentary.

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