All entries for May 2008

May 14, 2008

Five Plus Six Somehow Doesn't Go

According to The Times, and various other newspapers, the presence of three English teams in the Champions League semi final this year is proof that there is a need for a quota system in football to force six home grown players to be present in every team’s starting line up, according to FIFA president and perennial foot-in-mouth champion, Sepp Blatter.

Aside from the ambiguity of “home grown” (surely not a return to nationality caps a la the early 1990s which are illegal) this is an interesting observation of Mr Blatter’s. Obviously he must think these quotas would level the playing field and prevent big nasty imported devils like Steven Gerrard, Paul Scholes and Frank Lampard from forcing their English paymasters through to major tournament finals. Oh how Blatter must have lamented the way European football has gone when a sloppy pass from Italian Zambrota failed to fnid his Argentine team mate Messi, leaving Englishman Scholes to fire in a hammer blow of a shot to send Owen Hargreaves and Michael Carrick into the European cup final. And Rooney, Brown, Ferdinand and Neville. And Vidic who’s so fucking hard as nails he could tell you he’s any nationality he wants, you’d believe him.

Blatter’s idea of home grown players is a veiled attack on the premiership’s ability to attract foreign stars as we never heard this rhetoric when Real’s Galacticos were winning and challenging for the CL with some regularity. It’s sour grapes from a man whose dislike of the English in particular, and British in general, makes you wonder why he is taken seriously anymore. Actually he can’t be, a long string of gaffes has seen to that, and only reportedly massive FIFA corruption seems to ensure his grip on power.

In any case, a short case study might prove illuminating. Take the Manchester United vs Barcelona tie. Two talented and interesting to watch teams. Let’s peruse the squads and see what we can find. Manchester United’s first team squad consists, according the Wikipedia, of 28 players, eleven of whom are English 1 and Ryan Giggs lived in England for several years. Barcelona would prefer to be seen as Catalans, but are officially Spanish and have a first team squad on Wikipedia or 24, with nine Spaniards. 2 That’s 39% Englishness at Manchester United (I’ve not counted Giggs) and 37.5% Spanishness at Barcelona. And it’s the English clubs killing the game so much it needs Blatter’s plan?

Spreading the net a bit wider we find other top European teams with the following percentage nationality ratios:

AC Milan – 46% (but also 28.5% Brazilian)
Real Madrid – 32%(they’ve got an Equatorial Guinean!)
Bayern Munich – 55%
Chelsea – 27% (although one of those is Sidwell so really it’s more like 24%, hahaha)
Inter – 26% (with a staggering 21% Argentine)
Lyon – 61.5%
Roma – 48%
Liverpool – 30.5%
Olympiacos – 50%
Celtic – 41%
Porto – 44%
Sevilla – 48%
Fenerbache – 66.6% (although seven (26%) of the squad claim a duel Turkish-elsewhere nationality so it’s dubious if they count as home grown)
Arsenal – 28% (Almunia not counted)
Schalke 04 – 46%

The English teams are hardly the leaders in home recruitment, Lyon seem to be best at that (Fenerbache don’t really count – Colin Kazim-Richards as a home grown Turkish star?) but they probably stand to lose several of their best players, most likely to Arsenal. In fact, Manchester United seem to weather the storm fairly well, especially considering how many of the English players are first choice players for the national team (Rio, Rooney, Hargreaves), how many should be (Carrick) and how many are Paul Scholes, the man many English fans want back (Scholes). But the one main detail appears to show that the lower the number of home players, the more likely a club is to really succeed. The highest home player percentages are usually eliminated in the earliest rounds – first qualifying round victims included FC Olimpi Rustavi (87.5% Georgian), FK Pobeda (82% Macedonian), Derry City (100% of players from the island of Ireland) and TNS (erm, 90% English apparently… and the non English players are from Canada and the Cayman Islands).

I’m not saying that the English clubs aren’t guilty of having a lot of foreigners. You can’t really blame them when the number of top class English players is so low (Ferdinand, Rooney, Gerrard, they’re the only ones other big nations would covet) but surely by this logic the big Italian and Spanish clubs should be swimming in homegrown players and their fancy qualifying-for-Euro-2008 skills. That they’re not is a telling indictment. Blatter is once again picking the English because he doesn’t like England. This isn’t paranoia. He doesn’t. Why else would he come up with this after an all English final, ignoring a recent all Spanish final, or the repeated wins and dominance of AC Milan, Real Madrid or Barca?

Any justification of this mad scheme on the grounds of strengthening national teams is a bit rich if he really wants to see plucky punching-above-their-weight national teams like Wales, Ireland or Sweden watch their legions of foreign based players sent home for lack of space. Ryan Giggs, Shay Given and Zlatan Ibrahimovic will not benefit themselves or their countries by turning out for TNS, Shamrock Rovers or Helsingborgs.

Maybe more English players at top clubs would be a nice thing, but the fact that top English players will be on astronomical wages from age 17 and don’t seem to have the patience or will to really achieve is a bigger factor than having some Ivorians or Serbs in our league. England has a big population s should be producing plenty of good players to compete. But it doesn’t. England’s problem is finding out how to properly train and motivate what it has. Sepp Blatter’s problem is he’s an idiot. Simple as.

1 Gary Neville, Owen Hargreaves, Rio Ferdinand, Wes Brown, Wayne Rooney, Ben Foster, Michael Carrick, Paul Scholes, Chris Eagles, Tom Heaton, Danny Wallbeck.
2 Victor Valdes, Carles Puyol, Xavi, Andres Iniesta, Jose Manuel Pinto, Santiago Ezquerro, Oleguer Presas, Albert Jorquera and Bojan Krkic.

May 05, 2008

Capital Auditions

Attention all major cities in Britain!

We, the citizens of Britain would like to alert all the major cities, or indeed cities with aspirations to be major, that there is likely in the next couple of years for there to become a vacancy in the position of capital city of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and a few scattered little islands with strange folks and strange laws. This is likely to come about after the residents of the incumbent capital city, ‘London’, managed to choose a leader the rest of the country was well aware is a bumbling fool who, current predictions are indicating, is probably going to crash the damn thing into Reading sometime around October, causing untold damage.

London and Reading not to scale. Obviously.

Frankly we are not the sort of country which wishes to led by a complete laughing stock. We’ve already tried that with Colchester* and it just didn’t work. So we have decided to notify all the other cities that the vacancy is soon available. This is in order to prepare applications as we are aware most people in this nation weren’t expecting Londoners to be quite so careless with their votes.

Cities considering applying should be aware of the following conditions:

- The city in question requires a Premiership football team. A capital city with no club in the top division is a capital city of no concept of the nation’s main religion and therefore will not be sufficiently in touch with the people. Also the only major footballing nation which looks like it might be without a capital rep in the top flight next season is France.
- The city in question must have culture. It doesn’t have to be a capital of culture, just have some culture. Obviously having good bands originating from the city would be useful, ideally influential, successful, lasting ones, although they don’t have to be the Beatles. The city could also benefit from having a soap opera set there, although it really shouldn’t be Brookside. In other words, don’t get cocky about this, Liverpool.
- The city in question must be able to prove it is sufficiently pleasant to live in and not too overpriced. We think this is what caused the problems with the last one. Nice buildings will be viewed favourably. Insisting you’re planning to build them at some stage is not enough on its own, and no, before you ask, the Bullring is not enough on its own to count. Birmingham must try harder.
- Gun crime levels must be convincingly high for wannabe gangstas but sufficiently low to deflect potential tourists. Nottingham should be aware this isn’t specifically aimed at it, although let’s face it, it is. Manchester must not get complacent.
- Cities with a tendency to vote BNP are out.
- Cities with a tendency to vote on X Factor will have to justify themselves with a selection of bohemian shops and boutiques. Cultural homogenisation will not be tolerated.
- No city where the predominant food-base is pure pie will be considered. Sorry, we know this is harsh, but as our advisor Joe Shephard has pointed out, pies are extremely tasty and fattening so will reduce productivity. You cannot work and go “nom nom nom” at the same time, no matter how often you practise.

Applicants are invited to send their CVs and a covering letter to the usual address (‘Blue Peter’) and we will be interviewing later. Please be available on the weekend of the V Festival. Yes, we know this rules out Chelmsford and Stafford, but it’s not really a shock that neither really stand a chance.


*Historically speaking Colchester sucked at ruling Britain, the tribes just squabbled and then the Romans boshed the lot of them. Colchester, you sucked!

May 2008

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