All entries for April 2007

April 21, 2007


I’ve had a great idea. I’m going to start a craze, or rather bring one back from the depths of the past. It’s only fair that if we’re making poverty history we take something in exchange, and history has many many things to offer us – like scurvy!

I’m bringing scurvy back! Yeah!

Why scurvy? Well, as we all know for the last few years pirates have been cool. Most people have seen Pirates Of The Caribbean in some form or another, and it takes a hard soul not to think Johnny Depp looks really sodding cool in said film. He looks about 500% cooler than Orlando Bloom who spends much of the film denying he is a pirate. He’s about 1,000,000% cooler than Jack Davenport’s character who resolutely isn’t a pirate. Also, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the fastest growing religion on Facebook and amongst sarcastic, prank loving students, holds pirates to be sacred and pirate garb to be essential to life. And what did pirates have? That’s right, scurvy. The groundwork has already been done and modern culture gleams like fresh manure, waiting for the seeds of the craze to be planted.

Now some would claim that this is a bad idea, that it is promoting an unhealthy lifestyle in an attempt to be ‘cool’. The answer to this is “Yes”. Yes it is. But if you consider the recent most ‘cool’ trend seems to be for crack then what are you complaining about. As shown above scurvy won’t help your teeth or skin, but these are young people we will be targetting and they generally have crap skin anyway. Let’s see the acne thrive in a vitamin C deprived environment. And whilst some will point out that it damages the liver, these are young people we’re targetting! I think their livers will be more concerned by the binge drinking than anything else. It could be helpful! Also a bit of gumminess and eye sinking is slightly less terrible than the results of crack which include:

  • Depression, confusion and irritability.
  • Reduced motivation, ambition and concentration.
  • Hallucination and violence.
  • Ending up living with Kate Moss whilst the papparazzi camp outside your house and cause no one to take your music seriously.

Yes, scurvy isn’t great but you could do worse with crack.

Scurvy is caused by a lack of vitamin C. Vitamin C is found in oranges and other citrus fruits. These are not native to Britain and have to be either imported or grown using aids which aren’t 100% natural. In short they contribute to global warming. A teen craze for scurvy will reduce the citrus imports thus reducing fuel needs for transport and meaning third world countries can keep the fruit and eat it themselves which is a good thing as we have been rather exploitative to the third world over the last bazillion years or so. As the most politically radical element of society, young people should wear their scurvy as a badge of honour.

So there you go, a manifesto for scurvy. All we need is someone famous to get it and talk about it loads and we’re sorted. We’ve decided to ask Lindsay Lohan.

April 19, 2007

Dave Bassett – A Poor Man's Mike Newell?

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Nice little Grauniad blog piece on the strange furore over Match Of The Day using a female commentator, Jacqui Oatley, for the first time this weekend. Apparently Dave ‘remember me’ Basset has decided to use this to launch himself as the Tesco Value Mike Newell, a half hearted attempt to embody old school sexism in football. As we recall (or don’t) Newell criticised a female assistant ref for a decision blaming it on her gender, then passed it off by proudly declaring himself to be sexist. Cue outrage, rows about political correctness, the assistant ref herself just getting on with her job, and then attention spans flitting elsewhere.

Possibly aiming for some profile (after all even his Wikipedia entry cannot actually tell us what he is currently contributing to the football world since Southampton sacked him two years ago) he managed to find this amazing piece of critique with which to attac Oatley:

You must have an understanding of the game and tactics, and in order to do that you need to have played the game.

Maybe it is a good criticism, although it does rather rule out the likes of Johnathan Pearce and Alan Green. And it fails to account for how useless people like Paul Gascoigne and Alan Shearer (he’s boring and crap!) are at this lark. But, like the lefty party poopers they are, the Gruaniad point out that:

Oatley was a keen amateur footballer until the age of 27, when she was stretchered off the pitch with a dislocated kneecap and ruptured ligaments.


So she knows and loves the game enough to get battered into tiny little pieces for it? Begone Tesco Value Newell!

I’m going to have a watch and a listen to MOTD this weekend, I think, and it’ll probably be nothing, a storm in a teacup. And I accept I’ve probably given Bassett more publicity than he deserves, even if he does now look like a spanner. But as a figure of a certain breed of men who’ve never really come to terms with women liking ‘their’ sport it’s nice to see his argument build on such flimsiness.

And there’s no way on earth she could possibly be any worse than the mumbling banalities which characterise ITV’s coverage. As has been said a lot recently, the FA Cup’s going to be unwatchable (or rather, unlistenable) for the next few years…

April 2007

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