All entries for March 2006

March 29, 2006

Loans

Hello applicant.

This is a form for your local LEA so you can apply for a student political party loan. Please fill out all the fields so we assess you. Please note that we might in fact get your assessment totally wrong on account of not being able to find our arses with both hands and an RNLI search helicopter. If this is so we will rectify the mistake sometime before doomsday. Maybe.

  • Name of party:
  • Left (1) – Right (10) alignment on scale of 1–10:
    (By this we mean your real alignment, not just what you tell voters to get their sorry arsed votes)
  • Number of MPs:
  • Number of inner city MPs (Tories need not fill in this bit):
  • Name of party treasurer:
    Do you wish us to inform your treasurer of your loan request? yes / no
  • Chances of election in 2008/9 (%)@
    If you don't think you will get elected then please state why not (500 words or less, unless your are Menzies Campbell in which case simply put "Lib Dem"):

Now answer the following questions so we can assess how much loan.

  • Have you suffered a major scandal in the last four and a half minutes? Please give details if so, including the name of the investigating judge.
  • Has any minister/shadow minister had to resign since Thursday?
    Please tell us who and why and how hard the party leader pressured them into 'voluntarily' leaving the job.
  • Are you all in fact the same party just wearing slightly different clothing in an attempt to get your fat arses into the House Of Commons so you can fester for four/five years whilst doing nothing of real value?
  • Who did you vote for on Celebrity Big Brother?
  • How imaginative are your election posters going to be this time around?
  • Is this going to be revealed in the papers?
    If so please state which paper and exactly how many excuses and distraction techniques you have prepared.

How do you want your loan paid to you?
– Standing order.
– Cheque.
– Novelty oversized cheque presented by Mr Blobby.
– In brown paper bags.
– Straight into Rupert Muroch's pocket in the form of party advertising and general sweeteners to the miserable old BBC-hating bastard.

And how will you repay it… oh wait, hang on. We don't care if you do or not really. Let's face it, it's not like you're poor students who need the money to eat and pay their rent. Oh no. So how are those students meant to feel exactly? All this fuss about your measly money and yet the nation's in billions of pounds of debt! Does no one see how tragic this all is? How the government and the opposition are both useless, and how the new British trait that people wonder about, the unifying trend in this country today, is loans and debt. It transcends class, race, religion, age, the lot. All I wanted as an education and all you wanted was propaganda. Who wins?

Clue:

Not me.


March 28, 2006

Groupwise Email And Ned Ludd (Not Intellectual)

Once upon a time there was a man. His name was Ned Ludd and he was a nonentity in historical England who may or may not have smashed up a weaving loom or some other mechanical device. Whatever the reality of Ned's life, his 'actions' were adopted as iconic for a movement of working class men (and a few women) who feared that machines were going to steal their jobs away. They attacked machines and damaged them. They made life for those who depended and owned the machines awkward. No work could be done using said machines as a result. In the end the machines won and we ended up with toasters, ipods and Space Invaders.

So here's the question.

Who the hell let Ned Ludd loose on the internet and why is he so determined to break my email?

Yes, another moan about the crappy email and no, you don't care, and yes I will move to an email system that works (by walking to the people I want to speak to and bellowing at them). But I just want to register this in a historiographical way. To place it in context.

  • The Luddites were afraid of a future which they couldn't expand their minds to comprehend a useful place in.
  • Groupwise email is shit.
  • Their protests were the tip of a larger iceberg of dissatisfaction.
  • Groupwise email is shit.
  • Luddism was a northern and midlands phenomenon, possibly reflecting the areas' isolation from those in power (in both the poltical and economic sense) in London.
  • Groupwise email is shit.
  • Lord Byron was pro-Luddite.
  • Groupwise email is shit.
  • EP Thompson disputes the traditional view of Luddites and argues that they were defending the rights of the people, doing so in a controlled manner, and weren't retrograde but trying to police a future they accepted but were concerned about and willing to affect.
  • Groupwise email is shit.

So one is a complex issue and the other can kiss my arse if it's even bothered to wake from its slumber and give me my emails. Ever. I just want to print something off. Is that too much to ask.

Is it?

Ned?


March 17, 2006

Today Warwick Has Mostly Been Listening To…

Arcade Fire – 'Neighbourhood #3 (Power Out)'
U2 - 'Electrical Storm'
Backstreet Boys – 'When The Lights Go Out'
Nelly Furtado – 'Powerless'
Idlewild – 'Actually It's Darkness'
Electric 6 -'Danger! High Voltage'
Athlete – 'Wires'
Longview – 'Electricity'

Any others?


Warwick University's Emergency Website

Hello students, lecturers, staff, prospective students, parents, and others (yummy business leaders and politicians). We apologise bit Warwick University was the victim of a massive power failure in Coventry today which was caused by Richard O'Brian (Rocky Horror/Crystal Maze) crashlanding his British Rail flying saucer on the substation in My-Name-Is-Earlsdon which caused the computer system at Warwick IT Services to explode out of sympathy for it's distant relative, the sibstation (not Richard O'Brian). Thus we have been forced to move the entire Warwick website to Holly Cruise's blog for no reason other that she's not used to much recently and might have a horribly tropical disease and therefore be dead soon and leave this space free for us.*

Anyway, here's the condensed form of our website.

For Students

Eeeuuuwww. What the hell is that? The washing up? That is minging and gross and just, erk, eeeuuuuwww. When did you last do it? When? That's ages ago. You revolt me but I am still happy to take all your your parents' money. Right here are the important points:

– Stop worrying about bird flu/SARS/whatever trendy disease you're all catching this week (probably glandular fever and menigitis from all that Score-based pulling you do) if anyone catched it chances are it'll be in Whitefields and therefore it'll be a peasant who dies so stop moaning. If needs be we'll slaughter the infected students birds on campus. Yes, even the cute ducky-wuckys. Tough life if your feathered.
– Crime prevention. Stop buying ipods and moaning that you have no money whilst wearing those twatty white headphones. That's what gest you robbed and assaulted with a bottle so shut it. Otherwise lock your bike up as the lecturers love to ride home when drunk on other people's bikes.
– Students' Union. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Do you really think we take them seriously?

For Staff

Shut up, we pay you at least £378 pounds a year so what's the big deal? Why must you go on strike so much? Aren't you all living in your offices eating scraps left over from what your students have eaten for lunch anyway? You want money go and get a proper job! I'm sorry, what did you say? What about education and knowledge and the love of learning? That's hippy bollocks, go and hug a tree before we bulldoze the lot to build more halls of residence and science blocks. And stop going on strike! It looks bad.

Prospoective Students

Warwick is awash with love. Here we all love each other and get along. There are never any rows about money or politics or feminism. All nationalities mix in perfect harmony. The halls are all hand cleaned by well-paid staff and the lecturers have never been more content. We are protected from bad thing by a Bad Things Begone force field which we developed ourself in a collaboration between the Engineering Dept, the History Dept and Warwick Business School.

You can find us here:

We are in the beautiful West Midlands near Coventry which was described by Pablo Picasso as "una cuidad de meirdo" which translates into English as "a place of delight and wonder where the inhabitants are friendly and love students". Please come study here with you money brains.

Sigh

The mere thought of your attendence is making us happy already…

Business Types

Come, come to us so we can strip you naked and ride you senseless. Face it, you're much cooler than students and we'd rather have you around. To prove this we will supply you with a selection of cash strapped students which you can humiliate during your visit for mere pennies which they wil lap up to feed their addiction to 'mauve', a popular campus drink made up of piss water, apple spunk and some generic not-Ribena-but-the-cheap-version juice. Yum.

We love the business types...

To find out more about Warwick please follow these links:

Important research and interesting discoveries
Youth development
Work in the local community
Scrotal clamps

*I'm having a blood test in a couple of weeks time but it's probably nothing so don't panic...


March 06, 2006

Elspeth, I Challenge Thee!

Challenge!

Els you have oppressed us for too long with the power of your subwoofer of doom. Now we (well, I) am fighting back with this appalling injoke. Here is my subwoofer of doom! Notice how it is all in bold whereas yours only has doom in bold! And there are exclamation marks. Truly it is a subwoofer of power.

Click on it for mightiness!

Now where shall we have our subwoofer faceoff? I propose round The Commune in the kounge [sic] so the girls can show off their breakdancing moves and impress us with their funky stuff. Or play Zelda along to it. Whichever.

Bring It On!

Also can you give me a CD of the six-a-side photos, please?

Injoke over


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