All entries for February 2009

February 10, 2009

The Ministerial Excuse Machine

I’d like to introduce everyone to my latest invention – The Ministerial Excuse Machine. As we are staring down a collapsing Labour government, and the very real possibility of a Tory one to follow, the MEM is necessary as never before. This marvellous machine takes stories which could make government ministers feel uncomfortable, and puts understandable, even positive, spins in them. Please remember the MEM is not yet completely ready for widespread use, and may contain some teething problems.

The Ministerial Excuse Machine is non-party aligned, and will generate stories for ministers whether completely useless or outright lying bastards. This means it is approved for both Labour and Tory use, respectively.

The Ministerial Excuse Machine vs Jacqui Smith’s multiple houses

The MEM has issued the following statement.

In light of the recent occupation of Harriet Harmperson’s roof by Fathers 4 Justice we are pleased to announce that Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has taken proactive steps to avoid this sort of protest from disrupting her as she works to make life better in this country.

By claiming expenses for a second house whilst living with her sister, Smith has bamboozled the Fathers 4 Justice protestors, and their fetching spandex superhero suits, by offering herself the choice of being in two different places. This method, known as Schroedinger’s Minister, will ensure that where ever Smith is, she is not being disturbed by protestors of any hue, and can therefore operate more efficiently, and in a more value for money style, than if she were being constantly distracted by 40 something men dressed as Batman.

We wish Jacqui Smith all the best in the future, where ever she may be.

Mmm, the MEM needs some work, but is clearly a useful invention with which I shall make my fortune.

February 08, 2009

Jo Brand Vs The BNP

Writing about web page

I think it’s a terrible shame Jo Brand isn’t held in slightly higher regard in this country. Perhaps she upset too many people years ago by being too overtly feminist (cos, y’know, feminists are, like, well scary) but she doesn’t get the credit she often deserves for creating great jokes.

Her latest escapade appears to have created an odd situation. She’s managed to upset the BNP. This isn’t very odd in itself, upsetting the BNP can often be done using very simple methods, like producing melanin in large amounts, or being a bit foreign. But apparently she upset them on ‘Live At The Apollo’ by making the not particularly hilarious gag by her standards of implying that the publication of their membership list meant she knew who to post poo to.

This has been pounced on by the BNP who are accusing her of inciting a racist act.




Yup, this is what the Daily Mail said:

The following day [after the show’s broadcast], Simon Darby, the BNP’s deputy leader, made an official complaint to Hammersmith police alleging that Brand’s comment had been an act of incitement to cause racial harassment… ‘The BNP is technically an ethnic group and, under Section 26 of the Race Relations Act, we would suggest there are grounds that an offence of incitement to commit racial harassment has been committed.’

This is confusing. The BNP are a racial group? Really? How on earth does that work? Does voting BNP come as part of a specific genetic package, like black people of African origin are more likely to have sickle cell anaemia, or oriental people are more prone to lactose intolerance, or Celts are more susceptible to sun burn on cloudy days? Are WASPs more likely to vote BNP because they are WASPs (not to be confused with wasps who don’t vote because they are usually disrupting picnics on election day).

After claiming they’d be using the Human Rights Act (which they oppose because they are anti-EU) to try and suppress the list, they are now claiming that they constitute a separate ethnic group. It’s a joke right? It’s a big dose of satire, so big that they’ve even roped in premier satirists like Jo Brand. Is this what Chris Morris has been up to recently?

Because surely having a political party for one ethnic group only is a bit, y’know, racist?


February 2009

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