March 17, 2006

Warwick University's Emergency Website

Hello students, lecturers, staff, prospective students, parents, and others (yummy business leaders and politicians). We apologise bit Warwick University was the victim of a massive power failure in Coventry today which was caused by Richard O'Brian (Rocky Horror/Crystal Maze) crashlanding his British Rail flying saucer on the substation in My-Name-Is-Earlsdon which caused the computer system at Warwick IT Services to explode out of sympathy for it's distant relative, the sibstation (not Richard O'Brian). Thus we have been forced to move the entire Warwick website to Holly Cruise's blog for no reason other that she's not used to much recently and might have a horribly tropical disease and therefore be dead soon and leave this space free for us.*

Anyway, here's the condensed form of our website.

For Students

Eeeuuuwww. What the hell is that? The washing up? That is minging and gross and just, erk, eeeuuuuwww. When did you last do it? When? That's ages ago. You revolt me but I am still happy to take all your your parents' money. Right here are the important points:

– Stop worrying about bird flu/SARS/whatever trendy disease you're all catching this week (probably glandular fever and menigitis from all that Score-based pulling you do) if anyone catched it chances are it'll be in Whitefields and therefore it'll be a peasant who dies so stop moaning. If needs be we'll slaughter the infected students birds on campus. Yes, even the cute ducky-wuckys. Tough life if your feathered.
– Crime prevention. Stop buying ipods and moaning that you have no money whilst wearing those twatty white headphones. That's what gest you robbed and assaulted with a bottle so shut it. Otherwise lock your bike up as the lecturers love to ride home when drunk on other people's bikes.
– Students' Union. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Do you really think we take them seriously?

For Staff

Shut up, we pay you at least £378 pounds a year so what's the big deal? Why must you go on strike so much? Aren't you all living in your offices eating scraps left over from what your students have eaten for lunch anyway? You want money go and get a proper job! I'm sorry, what did you say? What about education and knowledge and the love of learning? That's hippy bollocks, go and hug a tree before we bulldoze the lot to build more halls of residence and science blocks. And stop going on strike! It looks bad.

Prospoective Students

Warwick is awash with love. Here we all love each other and get along. There are never any rows about money or politics or feminism. All nationalities mix in perfect harmony. The halls are all hand cleaned by well-paid staff and the lecturers have never been more content. We are protected from bad thing by a Bad Things Begone force field which we developed ourself in a collaboration between the Engineering Dept, the History Dept and Warwick Business School.

You can find us here:

We are in the beautiful West Midlands near Coventry which was described by Pablo Picasso as "una cuidad de meirdo" which translates into English as "a place of delight and wonder where the inhabitants are friendly and love students". Please come study here with you money brains.


The mere thought of your attendence is making us happy already…

Business Types

Come, come to us so we can strip you naked and ride you senseless. Face it, you're much cooler than students and we'd rather have you around. To prove this we will supply you with a selection of cash strapped students which you can humiliate during your visit for mere pennies which they wil lap up to feed their addiction to 'mauve', a popular campus drink made up of piss water, apple spunk and some generic not-Ribena-but-the-cheap-version juice. Yum.

We love the business types...

To find out more about Warwick please follow these links:

Important research and interesting discoveries
Youth development
Work in the local community
Scrotal clamps

*I'm having a blood test in a couple of weeks time but it's probably nothing so don't panic...

- 9 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. I would like to know what Casey thinks of that.
    He he.

    17 Mar 2006, 19:51

  2. Holly, you are a comic genius.

    17 Mar 2006, 20:04

  3. Why Susan Sarandon? :-|

    17 Mar 2006, 20:10

  4. Why Feltham?

    18 Mar 2006, 17:39

  5. dies

    18 Mar 2006, 18:03

  6. 5!

    19 Mar 2006, 00:58

  7. Mike

    When's ITS' next birthday?

    19 Mar 2006, 14:33

  8. I think Holly is a comedy genius! Did anyone spot that our actual emergency website (a hastily erected Typepad blog ) featured Tom Abbott's name in the URL?!

    20 Mar 2006, 09:03

  9. this is ace, I'm so glad I returned to blogs-they are much better than the real world!

    24 Mar 2006, 13:50

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