The Solution To All Your Papal Problems
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I hearby declare myself Pope Holly I.
This is a necessary step due to the Catholic church's continuing insistence on grumpy old male conservatives.
I promise to pope it up with the best of them, to wear civvies on the new Catholic dress-down Friday (not including Good Friday, but definitely on Bad Friday and Indifferent Friday), to get rid of all the horrible dirgy hymns no one likes because they are depressing, to stop sending absolutely bloody everyone to hell because it's going to cause housing shortages down there.
I will appoint cardinals only if they show some initiative, originality, flair and a good grasp of quadratic equations/memorising random passages from trendy books (delete if science/arts student). Also no cardinal will be appointed if they passed both their theory and practical driving test first time.
Further down I will create new ranks of bishops. Currently we have archbishops and bishops. I think a few more grades are needed, like pseudobishops and typobishops and haroldbishops. These ranks will be attainable by attending courses of varying lengths at weekends with a practical test at the end. This course will include a mandatory police record check and a talk on how not to interfere with small children.
I will ordain women because the only way to keep us out of the Church is to let us in, then it's no longer a principal and we will return to wanting traditional female roles like hot-shot lawyer, 6 o'clock news presenter and lazy English student, when we realise that being a priest ain't all it's cracked up to be.
More nuns. For no good reason I find them entertaining.
I think most churches should be fitted with lasers. This will stop the decline of congregations as everyone loves watching lasers and we can use them to spell out messages like "Love yer neighbour, innit?" Most people will obey if they are told to do something using lasers. Also there should be tapas. Everywhere. This won't replace the traditional bread and wine because that's an important and sacred part of a ancient belief system and this is not about mocking that. But if everyone got tapas on the way out they'd be happier and more inclined to do stuff like that bloke in that book who was quite cool really.
Your new pope has spoken, albeit in English not Latin (amo amas amat amanis amatis amant). Therefore I demand that my pope hat be put in the post and that it reach me no later than next Monday as we have training up at the Westwood astros and I want to be a proper Holy Goalie. Just like John Paul II was.