April 20, 2005

The Solution To All Your Papal Problems

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I hearby declare myself Pope Holly I.

This is a necessary step due to the Catholic church's continuing insistence on grumpy old male conservatives.

I promise to pope it up with the best of them, to wear civvies on the new Catholic dress-down Friday (not including Good Friday, but definitely on Bad Friday and Indifferent Friday), to get rid of all the horrible dirgy hymns no one likes because they are depressing, to stop sending absolutely bloody everyone to hell because it's going to cause housing shortages down there.

I will appoint cardinals only if they show some initiative, originality, flair and a good grasp of quadratic equations/memorising random passages from trendy books (delete if science/arts student). Also no cardinal will be appointed if they passed both their theory and practical driving test first time.

Further down I will create new ranks of bishops. Currently we have archbishops and bishops. I think a few more grades are needed, like pseudobishops and typobishops and haroldbishops. These ranks will be attainable by attending courses of varying lengths at weekends with a practical test at the end. This course will include a mandatory police record check and a talk on how not to interfere with small children.

I will ordain women because the only way to keep us out of the Church is to let us in, then it's no longer a principal and we will return to wanting traditional female roles like hot-shot lawyer, 6 o'clock news presenter and lazy English student, when we realise that being a priest ain't all it's cracked up to be.

More nuns. For no good reason I find them entertaining.

I think most churches should be fitted with lasers. This will stop the decline of congregations as everyone loves watching lasers and we can use them to spell out messages like "Love yer neighbour, innit?" Most people will obey if they are told to do something using lasers. Also there should be tapas. Everywhere. This won't replace the traditional bread and wine because that's an important and sacred part of a ancient belief system and this is not about mocking that. But if everyone got tapas on the way out they'd be happier and more inclined to do stuff like that bloke in that book who was quite cool really.

Your new pope has spoken, albeit in English not Latin (amo amas amat amanis amatis amant). Therefore I demand that my pope hat be put in the post and that it reach me no later than next Monday as we have training up at the Westwood astros and I want to be a proper Holy Goalie. Just like John Paul II was.

Pope Holly I. Like the 'other' pope. But better.

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  1. Aren't you meant to say 'sic transit gloria mundi?' Oh yeah, and it's amo, amas amat, amamus, amatis, amant. Still, apart from that: Viva la Papa.

    20 Apr 2005, 00:19

  2. I like your way of thinking. Tell me more about these 'haroldbishop' courses, what kind of new skills would be taught?! That chin wobbling thing would be a handy skill!

    20 Apr 2005, 00:20

  3. Holy Holly… I like the sound of that…

    20 Apr 2005, 00:27

  4. What happened to Ugly Friday?

    20 Apr 2005, 00:31

  5. What happened to Ugly Friday?

    New Labour sold the franchise to Virgin and it they rebranded it as moderately attractive Friday.

    20 Apr 2005, 00:36

  6. Luke P, Actually we sold it to Virgin. We thought it had something to do with our good friend Mary. We just used New Labour as a front.

    Thorwald, we might bring it back if you're a good boy this year and don'r murder more than three people (five if the victims are estate agents).

    Luke B, bless you. You are now the patron saint of comments because I can cannonise anyone as I am pope I am.

    Eleanor, the first haroldbishop courses will begin in two weeks time, on Sunday, in the Arts Centre cafe. It will cost a special introductory price of 14.99 and run for three weeks, each Sunday. There will be a short test after the last session but I wouldn't worry about it because we've not decided what the questions are yet. It will help if you can say the Latin incantation Toadfishicus Karlicus Libbyate in a convincing accent though. The chin wobble will be taught once qualified, like a modern apprenticeship.

    20 Apr 2005, 00:48

  7. Nice.

    20 Apr 2005, 00:52

  8. can i be a cardinal?

    20 Apr 2005, 01:30

  9. and 2nd november is an interesting day (just been reading up on you). isn't that all souls day? the day of the dead? honestly, you aught to know that being the head of the roman catholic church…

    20 Apr 2005, 01:33

  10. Were you a amember of the Hitler Youth? I understand that's a quality quite in demand from popes these days….

    20 Apr 2005, 01:42

  11. I'd vote for you. I'm not convinced it'll help, though. If you need me to sign a petition or something, though, I'm there. I guess it might be wrong for me to sign given that I'm not a Catholic, but the consensus of most major religions is that I'm going to hell anyway.

    I would suggest in addition to nuns you up the number of monks, because they're almost as funny.

    I haven't done any research, but I have little doubt that you will make the best pope ever. As long as you can take enough time out of your schedule to get the job done properly.

    20 Apr 2005, 05:28

  12. If we're on the haroldbishop course will we be able to eat the fantastic arts centre cafe's mile high chocolate cake whilst training?

    20 Apr 2005, 07:30

  13. Funny and pretty true. But in the defence of the Catholic church and people everywhere were are already working hard to funk it up in their own parishes – not all churches are full of boring old people with crappy hyms. And also vote for a liberal Pope - we want sex, condoms and female Priests! :D

    20 Apr 2005, 07:46

  14. Good morning congregation. As a newer, more parishoner friendly pope I will address each of your concerns.

    Jessica Yes, alright. Where would you like to be cardinal of? As soon as you let me know I'll send a cardinal hat over. And yes, I did know what 2nd November was. I think it's a sign, no patron saint, just everyone else. Therefore I am the pope of the proles.
    Michael Sorry. I was in the Brownies though.
    Colin I do history, my schedule consists mainly of time.
    Helen Yes, that seems fair. Must develope the wobble. Should I sign you up along with Eleanor?
    Amy On a serious note, I think they needed a conservative to follow as powerful a personality of John Paul II (for all the things I don't agree with him on I always admired his determination and strength). It's kind of like following Thatcher with Major. There could very well be a liberal-ish pope very soon. I'd like to see that. In the meantime would you like a pseudobishopric?

    20 Apr 2005, 09:37

  15. Gordon R

    I think Saint Gordon has a nice ring to it (of course, after I'm dead). I'd quite like to see myself painted as an icon, in a Byzantine style.I think I have the requisite ethereal, wide eyed look. If I continue to praise your cakes and sandwiches do I get put on the express Sainthood list?

    20 Apr 2005, 10:05

  16. yeah sign me up, i've always fancied beinga haroldbishop

    20 Apr 2005, 10:11

  17. More nuns. For no good reason I find them entertaining

    FATHER JACK: (Entering living room in wheelchair) Nuns! Nuns! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse! Reverse!
    _ _ _ _ _

    FATHER TED: No, Father, it's "Nun"...
    FATHER JACK: Nun! Argh! (Dives out of window)

    20 Apr 2005, 10:14

  18. spyridon

    holly dear, your chances of becoming new pope are quite high as ratzinger is already 78…

    20 Apr 2005, 11:13

  19. Whenever I glance at the title, I can't help but misread it as "PayPal problems"...

    20 Apr 2005, 12:11

  20. somewhere with a really cool name, of course.

    20 Apr 2005, 17:12

  21. Do you promise not to decry rock music as 'the vehicle of anti-religion'?

    At the moment that statement is making the union's alt music societies stated aims and objectives pretty incompatible with the union's equal opps policies.

    20 Apr 2005, 18:34

  22. Good evening congregation. Peas be with you.
    Gordon R John Paul II made about a bazillion more saints than every other pope ever. Therefore I have to get in there and make some of my own or my 1.1billion Catholic buddies world wide will get upset. Yes, you may be St. Gordon of anonymous comments. I can draw in Byzantine style (D at Art A level baby) but to do that I'll need you to pose…
    Helen You're in.
    Richard Father Ted will be compulsory. As will Dogma. And Mulholland Drive which has nothing to do with religion (I think... I'm not entirely sure what it is about to be honest) but is still good.
    Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeero Want a job? You can be the Vatican's official atheist. Except we're moving the seat of Catholicism to Leamington Spa because I can't be bothered to commute from the Vatican to campus when I have lectures.
    Jessica How about Cardinal of Frome? It's a funny name and also sounds a bit like Cardinal of Rome… who is the pope. Except we've moved the pope's constituency to Leam, but anyway…
    Mark Blessed are those who listen to good music at loud volumes. Especially the Arcade Fire.

    20 Apr 2005, 21:14

  23. I took three attempts to pass my driving test.

    But I wanna be a cardinal and wear a red dress anyway.

    I'll even provide the dress.

    And I have a grasp of both quadratic equations and quoting pages (occasionally chapters) of random cool books.

    So if you average it out, I'm qualified.

    That is, of course, when I'm not being Queen of the Constitutional Monarchy of Northern Ireland.

    Which I'm thinking of renaming 'La-La Land' because it suits much better.

    20 Apr 2005, 23:38

  24. Jill, if you can multitask then you've got the jobs.

    20 Apr 2005, 23:52

  25. spyro

    holleeeeee! Hell yeah, i'll be your profane ally with great pleasure. If even the Jesuits think of yours truly as "a role model atheist", as they once foolishly admitted, we'll spread the virus in no time. Ratzinger has officially declared war on us, so I'm out for his blood!

    21 Apr 2005, 01:30

  26. Oh my god, pick me you worship, pick me to do something? Ooooh, oooh, ooh!
    Is now frantically waving her arm in the air

    21 Apr 2005, 01:51

  27. Pippa, what can we do with you? I think the best thing is to make you the head of a religious order. Go out there, get some recruits (monks or nuns or lay people or, even) and go and do… stuff… and… erm… things.

    Just think of something imaginative and I'm sure I'll bless it or something.

    21 Apr 2005, 09:56

  28. Gordon R

    Santa Gordona…. it's good to have you commissioned to paint me but please don't go all cubist on me and give me three noses and only one eye. It has to be strict Byzantine icon style keeping with the conservative hard-line (and D grade is just fine).

    Right – how do you want me?

    21 Apr 2005, 10:04

  29. Frome doesnt sound like rome. but its quite near where i live, if a singularly unexciting town. but i was thinking more along the lines of whitchurch cannonicorum, piddlehinton, tincleton, toller porcorum, wootton fitzpaine, ashby-de-la-zouch… (apparently where these crisps came from)

    21 Apr 2005, 16:12

  30. i saw a place with a brilliant name once, but i can't remember what it was.

    21 Apr 2005, 16:17

  31. Gordon When I was younger it was noted that I was an excellent art forger. Any Byzantium style art I do will be very Byzantium, no cubism I promise. How do I want you? Posing like a saint of course!
    Jessica Well as my grasp of geography is limited, just pick a parish anywhere in the world and it's yours. Make take a few. I know you won't be greedy because you're a cardinal and cardinals are good people (ish).

    21 Apr 2005, 16:53

  32. good people? o, damn, and here i was going for the duchess of malfi type. i shall be cardinal of dorset. howzat?

    21 Apr 2005, 18:23

  33. Deal!

    Ladies and Gentlemen. Presenting the cardinal of Dorset, her holiness Jessica Booth.

    21 Apr 2005, 18:27

  34. I do like the idea of being the head of something, like the head of Opius Dei (sp). Maybe my Catholic order can sanction the use of a countdown style quiz when people get confimed. Oh and instead of corporal mortification you can show your devotion do God through eating lots of chocolate.

    Bishop of Surrey, and head of…oh i dunno, you think of the name.

    21 Apr 2005, 19:37

  35. Santa Gordona

    I think I got in trouble last time I was asked to pose like a Saint. Rumour has it there's a holy Shroud of Warwick hidden in Senate House which I think would look particularly fetching draped around my holy head.

    22 Apr 2005, 10:17

  36. Hmm. Yeah, never was too keen on corporal mortification.

    (is pleased she got the job)

    Ok, my first decree is…with Pope Holly's permission obviously…that all meetings should have complimentary food. Preferably both sandwiches (not ham ones) and buns and cakes and tea and things.

    24 Apr 2005, 18:28

  37. Permission granted. Hell, let's make it a full on Papal Bull!

    Hehehe, I used the word "hell" and I'm the pope.

    24 Apr 2005, 19:08

  38. as cardinal of dorset i feel it is my duty to add dorset knobs to the snack list. i miss them, could i have some delivered please??! (yelling at minion)

    25 Apr 2005, 21:57

  39. No yelling at your minions, you get one taken away every time you shout, and two taken away when you throw something.

    Papal Bull it is.


    28 Apr 2005, 09:37

  40. what happens if i throw a minion?

    01 May 2005, 19:26

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