January 01, 2005

Return Of The Keeper

I've not been home since the 27th November on which day I ended up making like a complete tool for the Warwick Women's Firsts (yeah, I know, the Firsts) against MMU Alsager which is essentially the nearest university to my dead end, rural Cheshire town. As I left the house, unaware of the forthcoming awful performance on my part (if I ever get asked to play for the Firsts again it'll be because everyone else at the club has died of the plague), I noted the details, the mess in the living room, the leftover tub of icecream which had melted beyond belief, the pot plants which were not dead and therefore were not mine.

What's the house going to look like when I return? Well, I've made some small predictions:

Someone else will be there. Either Housemate:Boz or Housemate:Els. But none of the others.

There will be be some undone washing up Hopefully left by one of the residents who has moved back before me and not something which has been there since before I left. I think I did all my dishes. I think…

The pot plants left beside the TV will still be alive. Mine always die despite me watering them, and putting them in the tiny amount of natural light we get in our house and generally making an effort. Others make no effort and their plants thrive. Why?

There will be DVDs out of their boxes. And they will be mine.

My room will be a mess Despite me taking most of the important items out of it and putting what was left in a neat pile.

The big bathroom won't be clean. I know this cos one of my housemates (who will, Elspeth, remain nameless) reported the presence of a huge (translation : tiny) spider and the three remaining people, all the house girls except me in fact, are massive arachnophobes and wouldn't enter the big bathroom as a result. Lame arses the lot of them.

There will be an unclaimed sock left on the floor in the hall. Whose is it? No se. No one knows.

There will be binbags, either in the hall or the bin. Because I take the bins out. It's the only chore I can be relied upon to do when it needs doing. Although this year I think I may contribute more the cleaning the bathrooms as I have yet to do this. Also we need a new hoover but I can't do anything for that as I blew all my spare cash on a new printer/scanner. I have my priorities.

Niamh will appear shortly. Hell, she spends more time in our hosue than many of the rent paying 'residents'. And all she ever eats is toast so I'm fine as I never buy bread.

Within 30 seconds of my arrival there will be piles of paper, magazines, books and stationary everywhere. It's my gift to the world. A pile of mini-Tracy Emin style piles of stuff. Aren't I nice?


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  1. Mathew Mannion

    The big bathroom won't be clean. I know this cos one of my housemates (who will, Elspeth, remain nameless) reported the presence of a huge (translation : tiny) spider and the three remaining people, all the house girls except me in fact, are massive arachnophobes and wouldn't enter the big bathroom as a result. Lame arses the lot of them.

    Must remember to use that "excuse" the next time the bathroom needs cleaning

    01 Jan 2005, 22:59

  2. I'm heading uni-wards tomorrow too, pending packing success, and looking forward to much of the above (except the presence of your housemates and pseudo-housemate; that would be strange).

    I'm also anticipating slug trails everywhere and the fact that I'll take more stuff back to uni than I brought home, thus prompting another storage crisis.

    01 Jan 2005, 23:38

  3. Housemate:{$_}

    Look after the spider, I don't like having to wait for the bathroom.

    02 Jan 2005, 12:35

  4. I was worried about slugs too, but there were none. They'll probably launch an attack now the heating's on…

    All of us were away for 4 weeks, so the place smelled yucky and the bin was mouldy, but I've fixed that, now the house smells of stir-fry and incense! yay!

    (Nice choice on printer over hoover, definatly the way forward!)

    02 Jan 2005, 19:30

  5. Sally

    why have u got pictures of trainers?????

    03 Jan 2005, 22:55

  6. Ah, my public, I will address your aching concerns…
    Mat Use it if you must but I'm beginning to wonder if they really are so scared of something which cannot harm them in any way and IS ABSOLUTELY TINY!!!
    Simon Feel free to borrow my housemates/psuedo-housemates. They are interesting and fun and I think you'd like them.
    "Housemate {$_}" Mmm, Mike? Is that you? Serves you right for living in a house which is gender unbalanced towards the female side. We are notorious for spending ages in the loo. And we can't drive. And we all shop for clothes all the time. And we can't read maps. And we are all scared of spiders… oh bollocks the last one's nearly ture.
    Claire Stir-fried slugs? Just a suggestion.
    Sally Eh?

    04 Jan 2005, 15:37


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