In Car Entertainment
In one of the few moments me and my brother have actually spent together seince I got home, over a week and a half ago, we remembered the games we used to play in the car during the many long, tedious car journeys our parents subjected us to. This was their own fault as they moved from London to Cheshire when I was four, forgetting that this would mean that we'd have to trek back to the Big Smog regularly to see old friends, relatives and godparents. 3 1/2 hours in the car. Both ways. So games were needed. Maybe you would like to play along too…
What Did You Say?
For this game the ideal number of children under the age of 16 required is 3.
Find a song. This song must contain a rude word roughly half to three quarters of the way through. A song with lots of rude words like Super Furry Animals' 'The Man Don't Give A Fuck' are no good. The song must have one in the latter half of the song. For some reason Catatonia's 'She's A Millionaire' is perfect.
Familiarise the parents with the song. Play them the album a few times (although beware that 'She's A Millionaire's album 'Equally Cursed And Blessed' is a bit lame). Make sure they know there's a naughty word to be had but don't let on that you know it's there. They'll think you don't know. This is how my parents justified playing the Pogues to me from a young age. It's also where I got my foul mouth from.
When the parents are familiar then you can play What Did You Say? Start the song and all the children under 16 must sing along. In time and with no variation, no Mariah Carey style vocal aerobics and no cracking up at what's gonna happen. Eventually you will reach the line with the naughty word ("The ad begs buy bottled water but we know that it tastes of piss"). Sing the line but don't sing the naughty word. Continue singing afterwards. You get 10 points if a parents says "What did you say?" You get 20 points if you can reply "Nothing but the tape said "piss"" without getting told off. Repeat with other songs.
The Bryan Adams Bone Game
An acapella game this. Simply sing a song by weirdly popular Canadian song meister Bryan "I gargle gravel to sound like this" Adams, but randomly stop half way through to shout the word "bone" repeatedly at the top of your voice and in time with the other players for a few seconds before returning to singing hits like 'Summer of 69', ''Everything I Do' and 'Cloud Number BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE Nine'.
The Bohemian Rhapsody Game
How many times can you sing Bohemian Rhapsody acapella before the parents tell you to stop? Ours quite like the song so it can take up for six or seven. Try and work in clever vocal arrangements on the "Galileo" bits. You must immediately stop the game if a parent joins in.
The Middle Seat Belt Game
Best played if you are one of two siblings. Simply the winner is whoever batters the other into submission using the unused middle seat belt. This was quite difficult in my early years as my mum's first car was a Hyundai Pony which had no back seat belts at all and was therefore slightly illegal. And crap.
A recent game this as I have not studied French since I was 14 (six years ago) and my brother has done an equally good job of forgetting what he learned up to two years ago when he did the sensible thing and quit.
All you have to do is say things in French until someone can't remember any more French. At which point you must make stuff up. Useful phrases include "Ou est la guerre?" "Je suis unpetit-déjeuner" and "J'habite dans un pomme de terre". My brother and his friends can play a fun variation on this game called Spanish but unfortunately my enjoyment of this is ruined by my fluency in Spanish. Es muy triste.
Start an argument with a member of your family. See how many of the other members can be persuaded to join in. See how many sides can be formed. Everytime a resolution appears to have been reached start a new argument. Or a game of Eye Spy.
I Want A Weewee
A popular one. How many times can you persuade your parents to stop on the M6 whist you go to the toilet? Warning: Do not indulge in method acting for this role. If you parents are like mine and won't stop even if you geniunely do need the toilet and have been holding it since Manchester (and it's now Watford) then you may be in for an uncomfortable ride.
There is a variation on this called I Want A Poopoo but that's immature and vulgar and would only be played by someone who went to Coventry University. And do you go there? Do you? Eh? Eh?
I hope these games keep you entertained.