How To Cook For Students 2 – Cook Harder
Well I hope you've all survived the last ten months since I told you all how to cook cheese on toast. I even received news of one student starting a successful cheese sandwich bar which was judged the 3rd best restaurant in Kenilworth at the K-Wo Town Awards in June. But I feel you might need a more varied diet. After all if you all drop dead who will bring me chocolate and toilet paper when I demand it? Eh? EH? So shut up and learn about…
Chicken Caesar Salad And Soup.
You'll need soup for this y'know.
Look at it! Soup! Bow before it student for it is your god. A blended, liquified version of fruit and veg, distilled into a tin and sold in a nationwide supermarket as it soullessly drains the life from provincial towns, thus helping create a bland monoculture of ubiquitous shops… though I really love the convenience!
You also need bread. These are bread torpedoes but they can't be used in submarines.
I'd advise getting a tin opener because they are effective and useful devices as well as being guaranteed to improve your attractiveness to everyone by a minimum of 15%. Also we don't have one and using a penknife is a pain in the posterier. Use the right attachment. I recommend this one:
By constrast this one isn't that effective on soup tins…
…and this one is just plain shit (what is it for?):
Stab the tin until a sufficient hole is formed. Pour the soup into a pan and apply fire to the pan. I recommend matches but obviously rubbing sticks together or owning a dragon can be just as effective.
These are Cook's matches but I don't think he knows we have them because he's not asked for them back yet.
Now whilst that's heating on the stove (don't let it go on too long or it'll boil over and acquire a life of it's own, and join the Basketball team, and it won't want to hang round with you any more, and you'll feel sad) it's salad time.
Carry your ingredients to a work surface. If you're very bored then you can carry the lettuce like it was a penguin egg and you are a penguin. Wearing black can aid this fantasy.
Here are your ingredients, some non-explosive bread, a half empty bottle of caesar sauce (et tu Brute?), a penguin egg/lettuce, half a packet of cooked chicken (I'm too lazy to cook my own) and half a pepper. Inspiringly captured below.
Cut the lettuce up.
For crissakes! Call that a knife? This is a knife!
Mutilate the lettuce and pepper till it tells you where the gold is hidden, then dispose of the bodies in the lake before returing to your secret layer and awaiting the arrival of a hero played by some slack jawed non-actor pretty boy who is probably gay as a coot away from the media spotlight. Wash the salad because it'll taste less of chemicals that way. Or go organic if you're rich and mummy and daddy are paying for all of this.
Now mutilate some cheese. I used the cheese in the frige which my housemate bought, but you might like to buy your own.
Whilst knives are fun they are not perfect. They cannot be used to get the caesar salad out of the bottle. Try using your opposably digits. It's fun.
Now throw it all together and put dollops of sauce on it. The sauce will reduce the effect of the salad's healthiness by balancing it out with sugar, salt and fat. This will insulate you through the winter when your heating dies and the landlord is in Barbados. Hahaha.
Et voila! The meal is served on two plates to really piss you off later when it comes time to do the dishes.
Now all you have to do is eat it.
Oh for god's sake, a spoon woman, a spoon. Bloody penknife.
And, if you're not a total retard, you have now got two meals in your repetoire. Why not invite a sexy object of desire round and impress them with your skills? A three course meal is within your grasp, all you need do is dream the dream. And tidy up. It's all one big metaphor for life…