December 20, 2004

How To Cook For Students

Writing about web page

This is subtitled to help those who can't speak crappy Spanish

"¡Eh! ¿Holly?" [Hey! Holly?]"
"¿Qué? [What?]"
"Las dos días pasados has dicho, a cada miembre de tu familia a quien dijiste, que no sabes que quieres ser cuando dejas universidad [For the past two days you've told every family member who you spoke to that you don't know what you want to be when you leave university]"
"¿Así? [So?]"
"Delia ha se jubilado. Puedes ser una estrella de la cocina por la tele. [Delia has retired. You could be a kitchen star on the TV.]"
"Estos son drogas muy poderosos, soy hablando conmigo en Español sobre se haciendo una jefa de cocina por la tele… no es un idea mal. [These are strong drugs, I'm talking to myself in Spanish about becoming a TV chef... it's not a bad idea]".

Holly's Guide To Student Cuisine

Students like things simple. This is simple. Delia has shown you how to boil water and cook eggs. I do not even ask this of you. All you need firstly is a kitchen:
Here's one my parents prepared earlier.

You also need a chef's hat. Mine is modelled on the Russian army hats. It can be worn flaps up or flaps down.

Now you need ingredients-bread, cheese and a CD to listen to:

Put the CD in the CD player and press play.

Excellent, now remember to consider those around you who may not like the music you listen to whilst making food. Work out how well soundproofed their rooms are. Play CD at appropriate volume. Or you can tell them to get stuffed, you have great taste and it'll be just like it was with the Killers and Starsailor and Snow Patrol and soon everyone will like this band and they have no taste criticising you now. You are a tastemaker and trendsetter… and a hungry one at that.

Now you must grate the cheese and put it on the bread. Don't eat all the cheese straight away. Greedy student.

Now add something to taste. Search a cupboard or fridge. Don't use marmalde. It's wrong. Try BBQ sauce. Nice.

Put the concoction in a preheated grill. Don't ask me how to operate a grill. Ask someone you live with. If they all hate you then you're a nobhead and you probably deserve it. Or they're nobheads in which case glue their doors shut and melt their keys. Then get the number of a takeaway or something.

Change CD. It'll keep you occupied whilst the food cooks.

Make youself a drink. You're a student so Tesco's value juice is luxury for you. Mmmm…

Whilst you may have seen cute images of small children in 1950s sitcoms being allowed to lick the spoon clean once mommy has made chocolate cake, this is not appropriate here. It's unhygenic and anyway who wants to lick a cheese grater. They feel like cacti to touch.

Take the concoction out fo the grill before you smell burning. Serve with the juice and a copy of the Guardian (Observer if it's a Sunday).


Time to change CD. Is this better or worse than the original? Why do I feel indifferent?

Now for the confident student you can attempt dessert. Not desert cos that's all wrong. Maybe a combination of two childhood treats- Jaffa cake and Muller corner yoghurts (known in my youth as 'Tip-overs'). Or if you're really lazy/desperate to get fit/not Niamh then you could try some fruit.

Oh yeah, new Delia here I come.

- 21 comments by 2 or more people Not publicly viewable

[Skip to the latest comment]
  1. mmm looks tasty

    20 Dec 2004, 23:20

  2. Get on msn holly, you're company is coveted by powerbloggers.

    20 Dec 2004, 23:49

  3. Yes. Come and talk to us. We're all very lonely.

    21 Dec 2004, 00:02

  4. Wow, have you just sextupled the number of photos of you in existence? Good sextupling, if so. The lack of foliage on your hat confused me momentarily. In fact, I didn't realise there was such a diverse range of hats that are valid for cookery. I must invest in one at once to improve my culinary output.

    21 Dec 2004, 01:57

  5. Mathew Mannion

    Looks awesome. Also, hey, kid, you're a computer.

    21 Dec 2004, 09:40

  6. Photos of yourself, "Holly's Guide"? All it needs is a few awesomes and I'll become completely redundant in one post.

    Except this one was actually funny. Well done :)

    21 Dec 2004, 10:31

  7. Lol. Brilliant. Though I'm more of a Sunday Times gal myself. :)

    I would carry out your lovely recipe, but although I have bread there is no cheese in my house.

    We don't really do cooking in my family home. :)

    Still, spaghetti hoops it is.

    Nice pictures! Esp the hat. I think it's a new trend.

    For women of course, because the men's new trend is, and I quote, 'a spunky pirate hat'.

    21 Dec 2004, 13:15

  8. Mathew Mannion

    How useful, I have a copy of The Times and a spunky pirate hat

    21 Dec 2004, 13:45

  9. You're all set then!

    And, if I may say so, sure to impress potential dates with your cheese-on-toast making skills.

    21 Dec 2004, 13:55

  10. Beautiful.

    This now means I will not starve next term!

    22 Dec 2004, 11:20

  11. Also good is that lea and perrins table sauce.

    22 Dec 2004, 13:47

  12. You forgot to recommend that you get a sensible adult to help with the grill – don't want to burn them little pinkies now do we?

    22 Dec 2004, 18:52

  13. And you neglected all mention of sticky-back plastic or washing-up-liquid bottles. But I'll let you off, if only because of that hat.

    22 Dec 2004, 21:28

  14. Does anybody else find this simultaneously erotic and amusing

    23 Dec 2004, 06:12

  15. What is your favourate cheese BTW?

    23 Dec 2004, 14:33

  16. Mmm, can't reveal my favourite cheese here, I may blog it when bored…

    24 Dec 2004, 19:43

  17. Un espanol puteado (a pissed off spaniard)

    ESTAS drogas son muy potentes; me ESTOY hablando A MIS MISMO sobre EL TEMA DE HACERME una COCINERA por la tele … no es MAL IDEA.

    Yo no soy cocienero, por ti sere por ti sere. (I am not a cook, for you I will be, for you I will be – sung to the tune of 'La Bamba')

    Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad. Feliz navidad, prospero ano y felicidad. (I wanna weeesh yew a meerrry chreesmas, I wanna weeesh yew a merrry chreeesma, I wanna weeesh yew a merrry chreesmas from deee boddom off mai jart! – sung to the tune of, um, Feliz Navidad actually.)

    25 Dec 2004, 01:16

  18. Claire Boardman

    I know your favourite cheese! It's emmental. Am I right am I right? [jumps up and down expectantly] Oh and it's a shapka you're wearing, which incidentally is the funniest word when spelt in cyrillic, and if I could change font I'd show you why.

    25 Dec 2004, 01:31

  19. Well, I did say my Spanish is crap.

    Memo to self, learn Spanish for Spanish exam next erm. I am gonna fail for sure.

    Feliz navidad!

    25 Dec 2004, 13:20

  20. Heehee Claire – my Russian just about stretches to transliterating "shapka" – ШАПКА – most amusing! I may have to use that in my language module this term somehow.

    Merry, er, Boxing Day, everyone!

    26 Dec 2004, 00:05

  21. bunny

    I most say i could mostly do beter then that!
    what a wast of time.

    28 Jun 2005, 20:02

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