How To Cook For Students
Writing about web page http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/suffolk/4109411.stm
This is subtitled to help those who can't speak crappy Spanish
"¡Eh! ¿Holly?" [Hey! Holly?]"
"Las dos días pasados has dicho, a cada miembre de tu familia a quien dijiste, que no sabes que quieres ser cuando dejas universidad [For the past two days you've told every family member who you spoke to that you don't know what you want to be when you leave university]"
"Delia ha se jubilado. Puedes ser una estrella de la cocina por la tele. [Delia has retired. You could be a kitchen star on the TV.]"
"Estos son drogas muy poderosos, soy hablando conmigo en Español sobre se haciendo una jefa de cocina por la tele… no es un idea mal. [These are strong drugs, I'm talking to myself in Spanish about becoming a TV chef... it's not a bad idea]".
Holly's Guide To Student Cuisine
Students like things simple. This is simple. Delia has shown you how to boil water and cook eggs. I do not even ask this of you. All you need firstly is a kitchen:
Here's one my parents prepared earlier.
You also need a chef's hat. Mine is modelled on the Russian army hats. It can be worn flaps up or flaps down.
Now you need ingredients-bread, cheese and a CD to listen to:
Put the CD in the CD player and press play.
Excellent, now remember to consider those around you who may not like the music you listen to whilst making food. Work out how well soundproofed their rooms are. Play CD at appropriate volume. Or you can tell them to get stuffed, you have great taste and it'll be just like it was with the Killers and Starsailor and Snow Patrol and soon everyone will like this band and they have no taste criticising you now. You are a tastemaker and trendsetter… and a hungry one at that.
Now you must grate the cheese and put it on the bread. Don't eat all the cheese straight away. Greedy student.
Now add something to taste. Search a cupboard or fridge. Don't use marmalde. It's wrong. Try BBQ sauce. Nice.
Put the concoction in a preheated grill. Don't ask me how to operate a grill. Ask someone you live with. If they all hate you then you're a nobhead and you probably deserve it. Or they're nobheads in which case glue their doors shut and melt their keys. Then get the number of a takeaway or something.
Change CD. It'll keep you occupied whilst the food cooks.
Make youself a drink. You're a student so Tesco's value juice is luxury for you. Mmmm…
Whilst you may have seen cute images of small children in 1950s sitcoms being allowed to lick the spoon clean once mommy has made chocolate cake, this is not appropriate here. It's unhygenic and anyway who wants to lick a cheese grater. They feel like cacti to touch.
Take the concoction out fo the grill before you smell burning. Serve with the juice and a copy of the Guardian (Observer if it's a Sunday).
Time to change CD. Is this better or worse than the original? Why do I feel indifferent?
Now for the confident student you can attempt dessert. Not desert cos that's all wrong. Maybe a combination of two childhood treats- Jaffa cake and Muller corner yoghurts (known in my youth as 'Tip-overs'). Or if you're really lazy/desperate to get fit/not Niamh then you could try some fruit.
Oh yeah, new Delia here I come.