February 16, 2005

Football Season pt.1

^In response to a comment elsewhere on this blog… cos I care about my victims… I mean readers!^

A boring chronological review of the last football season would please no one, not least me so I have decided to break it down into a more digestible form.

Number: 1 or 17 or 31

What's that? It's the number on my back. Most common of all is no.1 as I am, for better or for worse a goalkeeper. The attributes are all there, the excessive height, fast reactions, the tendency to use my hands, the almost deranged lack of regard for my own personal safety. I used to play outfield but then someone pointed out that for all my enthusiasm I actually move at roughly the same speed as a glacier except over very short distances. Obviously no one needs an outfield player who can't keep up. Therefore I was relegated to goalie where a long career of picking the ball out of the net and getting injured ensued.

Except… the Warwick 1sts match against Oxford Brookes. With 5 minutes to go one of our midfielders broke her finger and had to be taken off. I was the only sub. So I assumed that I'd come on, take the 1sts' goalie's jersey and she'd play outfield (she's quite good outfield). But no, as there was no time our captain Katie yelled at me "Put on a blue shirt and play attacking midfield. Erk! So I grabbed the first shirt I could find. And it was number 17. Now think about this. 1–11 that's the starting line up. And then normally there are five subs, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. So that means 17 is someone so lame they aren't even on the bench. Typical.

Number 31 is, for no good reason, my lucky number and is the number on the back of my Man Utd shirt.

Goals conceded: 77

Yeah, it's not good is it?

Some of those games were total drubbings, 14–0 against Oxford 2nds (for Warwick 2nds), 13–4 against MMU Alsager (for Warwick 1sts). But some of the others were fairly competitive, 2–0 against College of Cakes, 3–0 against University of Birmingham. And then there were the clean sheets, mainly against Leicester. So what does it all mean? I don't know. All I'm saying is the ball had to get past 10 other players before it reached me. Or nine in the case of the MMU:A match cos we didn't have enough people that day.

And some were brilliant. The corner by Oxford 2nds which went straight in. The beautiful long range shot from De Montfort striker (and Bestfreind:Niamh's sister) Siobhan, and the brilliantly taken penalty by MMU:A.

Funny, one thing I've found that women's footballers can't do as well as guys is take penalties. I've faced four in competitive matches and saved three. Now at this point I could tell you how to bea the keeper and score penalties. But I won't. Cos one day we might play each other and you might get a penalty and then I'll be forced to kill you.

Weather: Not Too Bad

Better than last year when a blizzard nearly wiped out both the 1sts and 2nds. First game for the 2nds was rained off after 60 minutes which was nice. And the game against Birmingham was actually a three way rumble between us, them and the wind which kept trying to steal the ball and throw it in the river. Or up the hill. Or generally away from both teams.

Apart from that… just a bit cold really. Occasionally doing the Dance of the Cold Keeper, the wonderful bouncy, jumpy, short sprint, arm waving jig that cold goalkeepers do when they think no one is looking. And then no one believes you when you say you've got cold hands cos you've been wearing gloves. Yeah, well you can wear all the gloves you want, if you've been stood still in the cold for 90 minutes your hands get cold.

No one understands goalies except other goalies. You know it's true.


- 28 comments by 1 or more people Not publicly viewable

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  1. Anonymous Fan is back!

    Hey Holly, cheers for the message. I think we might have played you but I've been dogged by injury :( and didn't myself. I'm OK now though and ready to face those Oxford girls, I read your report – what was that about them getting a corner straight in?! Have you got any tips for us? Any players you remeber, particular moves they do? Were they rough? Sorry for all the questions, am a bit over-excited about the match! What I meant to tell u was that I read your piece on migraines – I get them too!!!! Same thing, the aura for about 10 mins, then a break and I think I'm OK (so naive!) – and then they strike! Eeeugh. It's horrible, I have to stay in bed with all the lights out etc etc, and sometimes am sick. Not nice stuff… Loved your report! AF x

    16 Feb 2005, 22:35

  2. It is true. Only us goalies can understand goalies. I did keep my first ever clean sheet this year though. :D

    16 Feb 2005, 22:45

  3. Hello AF,

    Ooooh, I'd love to help but that game was against Oxford 2nds and I don't know if any of them will be there for you guys. Weirdly although they whupped us 14–0 at theirs at ours we did really well, only about 2–0 at half time… and then I was subsituted with a combination of a knee injury and a migraine (joy) and we lost 11-0 in the end. So I'd say avoid migraine causing factors for one. Apart from that... well you guys seemed pretty good when we played you, I think just be careful of any fast strikers, we lost to you 13-4 but that's cos one of our strikers is really fast. Obviously it would be helpful if you could forget that next time we play you cos we like our consolation goals against the big clubs.

    And they got the corner straight in by putting an attacker right on the goalkeeper (erm, me) which is horribly offputting although she did nearly get an accidental elbow in the head from me. Otherwise not particularly rough or foul-y. They do go to Oxford don't you know? Not state school scum like me ;)

    Anyway good luck and do pop back here and tell me what happened… after all living in Crewe it would be nice if something nice happened (the thoughts of an ex-Cheshire resident).

    16 Feb 2005, 23:04

  4. And Luke, rock and roll, clean sheets are the way forward.

    16 Feb 2005, 23:06

  5. Jiz the normal student by nature but evidently not name

    Hi Holly!
    I stumbled upon your blog yesterday after being told by a warwick grad that you guys have blogs and after checking loads out and posting on loads. Very interesting a lot of them, especially yours, the stuff on tabs and the bass guitar advice is good as I'm an acoustic guitarist wanting to get onto bass. However, one thing did bug me…I go to Oxford Uni AND I'm from state school. Therefore..

    1. I don't consider myself scum, and you shouldn't consider yourself to be either…this will only allow others to call us scum as well. The other day a girl here told me that it was people like myself (state schoolians) who were bringing down my college and making it shite. I gave her a right telling off, threw in a few f*ing snobs and lo and behold she scuttled away never to bitch about state schools again.

    2. Oxford is not the sterotype it appears to be. I also thought it would be full of idiots and pretentious buggers who of course do exist, however a majority of us are normal and have no butlers to wipe our asses and these normal people are from both state school and public school.

    3. Coincidentally I am a football player and play for the Oxford 2nds (incidentally, despite the score i thought you were a pretty good keeper) and realised I played against you a few weeks ago. Now I don't think anyone on the football team is a pretentious bugger, did you get the feeling we were??

    4. I realise I am taking up a lot of room in the comment section and so will depart, however, before leaving, I would just like to assert that I was rejected from warwick uni without so much as an interview and therefore consider it to be a uni of snobs who snub you for no reason at all. It would appear that the world of top ten universities revolves around stereotypes.

    By the way, is Chesire an expensive place to live in??

    Would love to hear your comments….

    17 Feb 2005, 11:52

  6. Hello Jiz (nice name),

    Ah, I do apologise if I have caused Oxford-ians any offence, I was merely having a bit of a joke at the expense of two good friends of mine from school who went there and therefore deserve all the abuse they get for they will have Oxford degrees in a couple of years time (hehehe). There are a fair few private schoolers here but it's never an issue unless idiots like the one you described get snobby. As for your team, nah, no pretenious buggers there, just a lot of people scoring a lot of goals (who were you and did you score a lot of goals? and were you in the pub with us afterwards?). Sorry to hear you didn't get an offer from Warwick but from what I hear this place is hugely competitive, especially on the humanities courses... although you did get into Oxford which must make up for it a bit.

    Cheshire expensive? The nice bits are. Not the dinghy bit I grew up in.

    17 Feb 2005, 15:15

  7. another headless phantom footballer

    omg is jiz your ACTUAL name??? i might cry….

    17 Feb 2005, 17:15

  8. Jiz. M. Spurts

    Would you have a breakdown then if i told you that my middle initial was M. and my last name was Spurts??

    I could in fact take offence at your shock and horror at my name but fortunately for you I am accustomed to it. It is also fortunate that my name does not end in M. Spurts.

    17 Feb 2005, 18:06

  9. Erm, "another headless phantom footballer" are you who I think you are? Cos if you are then you might want to try punctuation and correct capitalisation as that would be lot more secretive than changing your name… to an obvious name anyway!

    It's almost as if you're not trying.

    17 Feb 2005, 18:27

  10. An anonymous phantom footballer (who isn't headless)

    Another Headless Phantom Footballer, you are very rude. Perhaps someone ought to BRICK you.

    P.S. What is Jiz short for?

    17 Feb 2005, 23:18

  11. Jiz and other things

    What do you think Jiz could be short for? It could actually not be short for anything. It could be a nickname. It could be my real name. It could reflect my identity. It could be a pseudonym. Maybe I just like like Jiz.

    Holly, sorry I realised I said 'I' played against you instead of 'we'. I was watching the match from the sidelines. I play for the 2nds but couldnt play that day because I had an important lecture that ran into the first half of the match. Also I wasnt at the pub because I had a tutorial to go to. The pub is always a fun venue though, hope you guys liked it. Anyway, I wasn't to furious about not getting into Warwick, just the fact that I didnt get an interview which was bollocks.

    I think i noted earlier that I thought the tab comments were golden but it might have got swallowed up by my somewhat cavalier comments.

    Just to get your advice, I was told by someone that 'Ruby Tuesday' by the rolling stones is a good song to play for beginner bass..what type of stuff did you start out with??

    Loving the banana comment by the way..bananas are defo the way forward.

    18 Feb 2005, 01:15

  12. a piece of toast without bovril

    "maybe i just like jiz"
    er….. are u SURE ur a female footballer??!!!!!!

    another phantom footballer who isnt headless… you are evn ruder.. we are so alike. mayeb in a GREEEN (see what i did there eh?eh?Eh?)world, i am blue and you are yellow. maybe i am judy and you are richard. maybe i am cameron diaz and you are lucy lui (dont worry we can kill drew barrymore and make charlies angels a duo thing). bricks can be our weapons. we can knock down houses. or maybe PECK them down. kkakakakakakkakakakaak.

    hi holly!!! love you!!!

    18 Feb 2005, 12:32

  13. Robotic Blogger

    so ur cameron diaz?? i loved her in "There's something about mary" – that bit where she puts her hair up in a massive quiff – just so funny. Maybe this girl who "just likes jiz" should try doing that…

    18 Feb 2005, 12:40

  14. Jiz and 'The Quiff'

    Unfortunately mr or miss Robo blogger my hair has never been in a quiff and its actually quite impossible to get it in to one without using a lot of hair products. Certain gypsy type of people in the open market here sell good hair gel products for hair but they are quite weird because they sell fruit like banana's and a manner of other random things as well. I don't like really going to them because theyre quite rude and chavvy as are their dogs…one time I actually saw one of the gypsy woman's dog wearing an imitation burberry 'furberry' jacket can you believe!

    18 Feb 2005, 17:08

  15. Robotic Blogger

    Jiz you seem to have a bit of a digressive rambling mind don't you. Quiffs, markets, dogs, is this some kind of code?
    Ruby Tuesday is a GREAT song though, I do agree with you there.
    I can't believe a gypsy woman's dog was wearing fake burberry though, surely a gypsy woman's dog would be scrawny, unattractive and unclothed. The sort of dog to wear a jacket would probably be one of those really good-looking pretty talented dogs like the sort you get on Crufts – a Lady.

    18 Feb 2005, 17:47

  16. Jiz and her digressive dog ramblings

    Not really, you get all sorts of dogs nowadays and their weird obsessed owners who feed them things like fried fish…such nonsense! A dog is a dog, it shouldnt be wrapped in things like Chanel ribbons and poncy jackets. Don't you always hate how they have ridiculous names as well like for example related to jewellery..diamond or precious or something, sounds to me like people use these names to try and make their otherwise rabid, harmful claw dogs sound classy…

    18 Feb 2005, 18:20

  17. Robotic Dogger

    Jiz, perhaps you should take heed of my favourite John Cam Hobhouse quote:

    "Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog."

    Doesn't it just bring a tear to your eye… Anyway Jiz, you need to see past all these materialistic elements of a dog's being. Forget their dress, their food, their name – these things aren't important. See them for their inner gorgeousness and fidelity.

    Woof!

    18 Feb 2005, 18:58

  18. Mmm, I get a job for one day and everyone ignores my absense and chats amongst themselves. Ok, let's sort this out…
    An anonymous phantom footballer (who isn't headless)
    Yeah very anonymous as we were having a conversation the other about how we are the only people (that's the only people) we know who use the word brick for anything other than housing construction material.

    a piece of toast without bovril
    Culchie twat. I challenge you to write an entire blog entry in bird language.

    Message to all my teammates
    I know it's you lot. I know where you live. I know who you are despite these 'clever' pseudonyms. I know you could all beat the shit out of me in a fight. However I don't need to know any of this for my exams…

    Jiz
    Erm, I must confess to not really knowing the song in question. Yes I know most people say it's a classic but my parents were always bigger Beatles fans (my dad especially isn't keen on the Stones) so I guess I had a deprived childhood. As for what I started playing, Manic Street Preachers, Elastica, Feeder and Ash are all pretty good and simple as are American Punk Pop bands like Green Day and Blink 182 though I'm not really a huge fan of them… and then there's those pesky Beatles.

    And dogs with stupid names and clothes are ridiculous, surely when Froo-Froo mauls your face off you should be able to prosecute under the Trade Descriptions Act as well as the Dangerous Dog Act.

    Robotic Blogger
    Hello. I think this comment is nearly as long as some of my blog entries therefore proving that a digressive rambling mind can only ever be a good thing. Unless you're a newsreader…

    18 Feb 2005, 19:21

  19. Robotic Dogface

    Holly, you're the twat.

    18 Feb 2005, 19:30

  20. Robotic Blogger

    I'd just like to say I am NOT Robotic Dogface, I would never use such abusive language.
    I have a friend who might though – but she's probably busy with her Pritt Stick.

    18 Feb 2005, 22:07

  21. Mmm, though I could delete Robotic Dogface's 'comment' I don't think I will. Thus I prove my inherent superiority, something which is also proved by my amazing ability to fall asleep in noisy pubs without drinking alcohol beforehand… oops.

    Robotic Blogger, do I know you? Are all my friends posting anonymously on here?

    18 Feb 2005, 23:04

  22. Yes. It's a sad reflection on society when only the really brave/retarded postwhore sans anonymity.

    18 Feb 2005, 23:19

  23. Jiz's Robotic Intrigue

    Whats this about Pritt Stick Robotic Blogger??? Does your friend have an obsession with glue sniffing or something? Why are you robotic blogger by the way, its impossible that you could be a robot. Have you built a robot perhaps..are you fantastic at robotic dancing?? Please enlighten me…

    19 Feb 2005, 11:04

  24. Non-headless (and sexy) footballer

    Yes please enlighten me too. Do robots eat oil as food? Or electricity?

    Oh and Jiz could be short for Jizabella. Or Jizmonkey. Or Jizzy. Or Jizzyjazzypoo. Or maybe it's Jezzica, and your mates call Jiz. So Jiz, is that your actual real name? As in officially? As in it's in your passport? As in Jiz Mary (or Maria? Miz? Martha? Monkey? Mama?) Spurts?

    19 Feb 2005, 13:35

  25. troubled Jiz

    Where the hell did you come from sexy footballer? You obviously cannot be sexy if you open your mouth and 'jizzyjazzypoo' is the type s*it you come out with. Holly you seem to have a number of weirdos on your blog. Like this robotic blogger, I'm sure she has absolutely no robotic skills whatever.

    20 Feb 2005, 03:14

  26. Non-headless (and apparently not sexy) footballer

    Surely one can be sexy even though only s*it comes out of their mouths? Look at all the "sexy" hot/fit models who have brains the sizes of peas?

    And anyway, it's called having a sense of humour. And I'm not a weirdo, I'm actually quite normal but have only joined in in winding you up. Holly, verify that i am in fact not a weirdo who only talks s*it? Pleeeeeaaaasseeeeeeeeee?

    And you still haven't even answered my question about your name, are you just trying to avoid the question by winding me up? Like a self-defense mechanism?

    20 Feb 2005, 12:25

  27. I'm just sat here being endlessly entertained by all this pseudonymous ranting.

    Anyway, let's all be nice on here whether we are robots, footballers, Luke (hello again Mr B), or just plain confsued about life, the universe, the Rolling Stones and everything.

    Jiz, I have lots of weirdos in my life, nevermind my blog. You get used to them after a while.

    Non-headless (AANS) footballer, not weird, jizzyjazzypoo… cough cough, yes dear, you are perfectly normal…

    20 Feb 2005, 13:36

  28. Non-headless (AANS) Footballer

    Well in my defence I posted that comment when I was hungover and tired. And also I wouldn't say I'm perfectly normal. But I am normal-er than many others. You know I'm right Holly.

    20 Feb 2005, 13:53


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