Football Season pt.1
^In response to a comment elsewhere on this blog… cos I care about my victims… I mean readers!^
A boring chronological review of the last football season would please no one, not least me so I have decided to break it down into a more digestible form.
Number: 1 or 17 or 31
What's that? It's the number on my back. Most common of all is no.1 as I am, for better or for worse a goalkeeper. The attributes are all there, the excessive height, fast reactions, the tendency to use my hands, the almost deranged lack of regard for my own personal safety. I used to play outfield but then someone pointed out that for all my enthusiasm I actually move at roughly the same speed as a glacier except over very short distances. Obviously no one needs an outfield player who can't keep up. Therefore I was relegated to goalie where a long career of picking the ball out of the net and getting injured ensued.
Except… the Warwick 1sts match against Oxford Brookes. With 5 minutes to go one of our midfielders broke her finger and had to be taken off. I was the only sub. So I assumed that I'd come on, take the 1sts' goalie's jersey and she'd play outfield (she's quite good outfield). But no, as there was no time our captain Katie yelled at me "Put on a blue shirt and play attacking midfield. Erk! So I grabbed the first shirt I could find. And it was number 17. Now think about this. 1–11 that's the starting line up. And then normally there are five subs, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. So that means 17 is someone so lame they aren't even on the bench. Typical.
Number 31 is, for no good reason, my lucky number and is the number on the back of my Man Utd shirt.
Goals conceded: 77
Yeah, it's not good is it?
Some of those games were total drubbings, 14–0 against Oxford 2nds (for Warwick 2nds), 13–4 against MMU Alsager (for Warwick 1sts). But some of the others were fairly competitive, 2–0 against College of Cakes, 3–0 against University of Birmingham. And then there were the clean sheets, mainly against Leicester. So what does it all mean? I don't know. All I'm saying is the ball had to get past 10 other players before it reached me. Or nine in the case of the MMU:A match cos we didn't have enough people that day.
And some were brilliant. The corner by Oxford 2nds which went straight in. The beautiful long range shot from De Montfort striker (and Bestfreind:Niamh's sister) Siobhan, and the brilliantly taken penalty by MMU:A.
Funny, one thing I've found that women's footballers can't do as well as guys is take penalties. I've faced four in competitive matches and saved three. Now at this point I could tell you how to bea the keeper and score penalties. But I won't. Cos one day we might play each other and you might get a penalty and then I'll be forced to kill you.
Weather: Not Too Bad
Better than last year when a blizzard nearly wiped out both the 1sts and 2nds. First game for the 2nds was rained off after 60 minutes which was nice. And the game against Birmingham was actually a three way rumble between us, them and the wind which kept trying to steal the ball and throw it in the river. Or up the hill. Or generally away from both teams.
Apart from that… just a bit cold really. Occasionally doing the Dance of the Cold Keeper, the wonderful bouncy, jumpy, short sprint, arm waving jig that cold goalkeepers do when they think no one is looking. And then no one believes you when you say you've got cold hands cos you've been wearing gloves. Yeah, well you can wear all the gloves you want, if you've been stood still in the cold for 90 minutes your hands get cold.
No one understands goalies except other goalies. You know it's true.