January 28, 2005

Crossing The Road

Disclaimer:Anything that could be construed as racist to the Irish in this piece must be read bearing in mind that the author is Irish and any insulting insinuations directed at non-Dublin residents is designed as an insult to one of the author's friends. The big culchie twat. Thank you.

An observation made over the Christmas break. Crossing the road has regional accents. People do it differently depending on where in the country you are. Here's a rough guide from my own extensive (ahem) research…

The Proper Way

Look both ways several times before crossing the road. Hold hands with a responsible, Daily Mail approved adult. Remember the Green Cross Code. And the annoying advert on TV with the hedgehog that can't sing.

The Manchester Way

Look both ways. Check the number of people waiting with you beside the road. The ideal number should be above 25 with a ratio of at least one hard looking nutter in a Bolton Wanderers/Manchester City/Wigan Warriors replica shirt to every three normal people. If the crowd satisfies these prerequisites then walk across the road. The cars will stop if they know what's good for them. After all, they can't be sure that plowing into the crowd will eliminate all the nutters and if any are left they'll be coming after the driver… madferit.

The Dublin Way

Get two or three hundred friends or, more commonly, relatives. Cross the road. You don't need to look both ways, the city is designed for 500,000 people and there's a million living there so there'll always be gridlock. And if not, well there's enough of you to persuade the traffic to stop anyway.

The Rest Of Ireland Way

Where ever really. It's not like they have cars or anything.

The Devon Way

Look both ways for tractors then instruct your sheepdog to move the flock across the road. Whilst eating fudge. This is according to Housemate:Mike.

The London Way

Look both ways for public transport and/or taxis. There are very few cars moving as Ken Livingstone has decided that a cunning way to stop right wing car users is to being about total gridlock for private vehicles. Yeah, go socialism*. Less care is needed in the congestion charging zone anyone driving in that is clearly rich enough to give a nice payout when they hit you.

The Birmingham Way

Make sure it's actually a road and not one of those really random pedestrianised bits which are everywhere. You'll look a right tool checking for traffic on those.

The Coventry Way

Cross. Quickly. Very quickly. Run! Run dammit, they're after us!?!

The Hull Way

Look both ways for your chav accomplices. Then cross the road regardless of traffic whilst asking oncoming traffic "Awww, wotyouzlookinat? Aww…". Housemate:Els insists she has observed this. I think this is merely how she personally crosses the road.

The Oxford Way

Get the butler to bring whatever is so desirable on the other side of the road to you.

The Cheshire Way

Look both ways. Then look again. If the approaching car is a normal car then cross if you have time. If it's a rich twat's car then run. They don't care about plebians like you although it will piss Jeeves off that he has to scrape your festering, poverty-riddled remains off master's Bentley's grill.

The French Way

At your own risk.

*I actually really like Ken and would vote for him if I still lived in London.


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  1. Glad to see you got the correct Manchester team in the "Manchester Way" section.

    28 Jan 2005, 01:13

  2. Nah, the London way is 'look both ways, wait until there's a slightly larger gap in the constant stream of traffic than usual and then make a run for it. Unless you're some poncy tosser who works in the city in which case look straight ahead and cross anyway as anything which hits you will bounce straight off your suit and six-figure salary.'

    28 Jan 2005, 01:14

  3. There's also

    The Israeli Way

    Not at a zebra crossing. Those are just areas where the drivers score double points for a hit. If you do get hit, pretend to be dead, as it will be easier than the arguing and arm-waving that will insue.

    No, this is not meant in a racist or inflamatory way. One time I was in Israel, our coach driver tried to argue with a tank (yes, when I say tank I mean one of those armour-plated things with catapiller tracks and a rather large gun) because the way he wanted to go was closed. Due to a bomb scare.

    28 Jan 2005, 01:39

  4. With regard to the Manchester Way, I am a Manchester United supporter but even I'd be the first to admit most Man Utd fans couldn't punch their way out of a wet paper bag.

    I should also have included:

    The Spanish Way

    A bit like a lo-cal version of the French Way, you still have to run for it and hope but you have slightly higher odds of survival and they get fewer points for hitting you.

    28 Jan 2005, 10:54

  5. United fans don't tend to come from Manchester. Possibly due to the fact that United don't actually come from Manchester either. They're from Trafford.

    28 Jan 2005, 12:04

  6. Mr. Himself

    These "roads" you mention semm like a jolly good idea. I would like to order twelve preferably in a redish brown. Please have them delivered to the big old tree that kind of looks like JFK's left elbow. I'll send Rufus to meet you so if you're going to be late please let the old boy know as he can't stand the cold as well as he used to. You will recieve full payment within two thirds of a month via a cousin of mine in Wales. You'll recognise him by his amusing trousers.

    28 Jan 2005, 16:06

  7. I am so desperate for a shag.

    28 Jan 2005, 18:26

  8. The Scunthorpe Way

    Look left and right to check for lorries traveling fast. Launch yourself infront of one of them in the hope it will smash your head to peices, granting you sweet merciful relief from the horrors of living in Sunthorpe.

    28 Jan 2005, 23:53

  9. The Northern Ireland Way:

    Belfast: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

    Lisbellaw: Just walk into the road. Rush hour in Lisbellaw, County Fermanagh, is three cars and a tractor. And even that is once a month. So if you got run over you would have to be really unlucky.

    Lisburn: Hit a traffic light pedestrian crossing. I swear Lisburn (County Antrim part) has the greatest concentration of traffic lights in the entire country.

    29 Jan 2005, 16:15

  10. Claire Boardman

    I have to add something to the Spanish Way, for the main reason that in Spain when at the traffic lights it's green to pedestrians it doesn't actually mean it's red to the cars. Something I discovered to much alarm in Barcelona. So run. Run like hell.

    31 Jan 2005, 00:34

  11. Sam: high five, frankly. Though I live in Goole, so I win.

    31 Jan 2005, 14:13

  12. The Spanish way should also include the fact that as you cross the road you get the drivers shouting "guapa, guapa" at you in a leery voice. It doesn't matter if you've just tumbled out of bed and look like shit warmed up, they just loooooooooove to leer at you.

    31 Jan 2005, 19:46

  13. Hey Pippa, "guapa" is quite a compliment. Go you.

    Once on a school trip to Cordoba I was really ill and had to stay in the hotel room felling crap which meant I missed my friend Sinead getting a drive-by arse slapping by two Spanish blokes on a scooter. Very strange.

    31 Jan 2005, 21:53

  14. Ha ha, i bet that was amusing.

    31 Jan 2005, 23:28

  15. Steve Curran

    The Durham Way: However you damn well please. Look, don't look, walk, run, skip – it's all the same If you want, walk down the middle of the road itself, rather than crossing. This may annoy any car drivers present, but ignore them – the roads in this town were here 800 years before cars were invented, and are so narrow that it's impossible to drive down them at more than 10 mph, so there's nothing they can do about it anyway.

    01 Feb 2005, 00:14

  16. The New York Way

    Stand on the corner of any street in Manhatten for at least forty five minutes, or until 1700 other people join you. Then stampede en masse. See if any yellow cabs can stop you then.

    03 Feb 2005, 16:45

  17. el davio

    i have nowhere new to add – just to say you crack me up holz – see ya soon.

    12 Feb 2005, 19:47


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