All entries for Saturday 29 April 2006

April 29, 2006

Ducks (And Other Fowl) Of Doom

Writing about web page http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4887268.stm

Bearing in mind how little bird flu has been in the press recently (kept out by the usual pandemics of government ministers being naughty and Pete Doherty) I think now would be a good moment to remind everyone that it's here, it's real and it will probably arrive at some stage with indeterminate effects/kill us all/lower house prices and cause the arrival of immigrants (depending on whether you read the Times/Sun/Mail).

To help in this, the BBC kindly published a page which identifies the Ducks Of Doom who will bring the illness into the country and bring about the apocalyse. This page does not tell the whole story. Hollyzone has gotten exclusive information which suggests that we might be in for more dangerous times than have previously been suggested.

Tufted Duck

Look at this bird.

It's hard to deny that it looks like pure, unmitigated evil in bird form. I mean look at it. How the hell could that not want to infect you all? It's got beady little psycho eyes and a very very bad mid–1990s gelled back haircut.

But these ducks are merely decoys. They're not so bad. They just look stupid. Partly because they are, their dark, gothic/gellhead appearance is being used by the real enemy to distract us. Read on to find out.

Bewick's Swan

This one is bad. Looking at this picture you might not see the problem. There it is, just like any other swan. But if we were to remove it from the white room then you will see this bird's fearsome power.

On a yellow background we can see that it is not ordinary swan, it is in fact a pair of feet and a beak! The feet are to take it to its victims and the beak is to cough bird flu all over them. Sounds freaky? Well the worst bit is that these bastards hunt at night when even the obvious dark feet and beak are invisible.

No human is that attentive that they can see that thing coming in the dark. By the time you know it's there it will have already coughed on you and then you will die. These things are dangerous, concealed evil. But they are not the worst. Even these evil swans quake before the…

Pochard

This one is so evil it doesn't even need to use bord flu to kill at will. Look at its little eyes. They are not the cute eyes of a dumb animal. They are Laser Eyes Of Death and will be used indiscruiminately against places like the London Assembly:

and random other buildings which displease it:

This creature has no mercy and will laser anyone, from jockeys to members of popular Scouse indie–pop group The Coral. You fools have been afraid of coughing ducks and sinister swans whilst the real enemy grows ready to strike.

Soon we shall all bow down and call the pochard overlords "master".

Disclaimer: I might have essay fever. Essay fever and Photoshop.


April 2006

Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa Su
Mar |  Today  | May
               1 2
3 4 5 6 7 8 9
10 11 12 13 14 15 16
17 18 19 20 21 22 23
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

Search this blog

Blog archive

Loading…
Not signed in
Sign in

Powered by BlogBuilder
© MMXX