All entries for Wednesday 29 March 2006

March 29, 2006


Hello applicant.

This is a form for your local LEA so you can apply for a student political party loan. Please fill out all the fields so we assess you. Please note that we might in fact get your assessment totally wrong on account of not being able to find our arses with both hands and an RNLI search helicopter. If this is so we will rectify the mistake sometime before doomsday. Maybe.

  • Name of party:
  • Left (1) – Right (10) alignment on scale of 1–10:
    (By this we mean your real alignment, not just what you tell voters to get their sorry arsed votes)
  • Number of MPs:
  • Number of inner city MPs (Tories need not fill in this bit):
  • Name of party treasurer:
    Do you wish us to inform your treasurer of your loan request? yes / no
  • Chances of election in 2008/9 (%)@
    If you don't think you will get elected then please state why not (500 words or less, unless your are Menzies Campbell in which case simply put "Lib Dem"):

Now answer the following questions so we can assess how much loan.

  • Have you suffered a major scandal in the last four and a half minutes? Please give details if so, including the name of the investigating judge.
  • Has any minister/shadow minister had to resign since Thursday?
    Please tell us who and why and how hard the party leader pressured them into 'voluntarily' leaving the job.
  • Are you all in fact the same party just wearing slightly different clothing in an attempt to get your fat arses into the House Of Commons so you can fester for four/five years whilst doing nothing of real value?
  • Who did you vote for on Celebrity Big Brother?
  • How imaginative are your election posters going to be this time around?
  • Is this going to be revealed in the papers?
    If so please state which paper and exactly how many excuses and distraction techniques you have prepared.

How do you want your loan paid to you?
– Standing order.
– Cheque.
– Novelty oversized cheque presented by Mr Blobby.
– In brown paper bags.
– Straight into Rupert Muroch's pocket in the form of party advertising and general sweeteners to the miserable old BBC-hating bastard.

And how will you repay it… oh wait, hang on. We don't care if you do or not really. Let's face it, it's not like you're poor students who need the money to eat and pay their rent. Oh no. So how are those students meant to feel exactly? All this fuss about your measly money and yet the nation's in billions of pounds of debt! Does no one see how tragic this all is? How the government and the opposition are both useless, and how the new British trait that people wonder about, the unifying trend in this country today, is loans and debt. It transcends class, race, religion, age, the lot. All I wanted as an education and all you wanted was propaganda. Who wins?


Not me.

March 2006

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