All entries for Friday 28 January 2005

January 28, 2005

Crossing The Road

Disclaimer:Anything that could be construed as racist to the Irish in this piece must be read bearing in mind that the author is Irish and any insulting insinuations directed at non-Dublin residents is designed as an insult to one of the author's friends. The big culchie twat. Thank you.

An observation made over the Christmas break. Crossing the road has regional accents. People do it differently depending on where in the country you are. Here's a rough guide from my own extensive (ahem) research…

The Proper Way

Look both ways several times before crossing the road. Hold hands with a responsible, Daily Mail approved adult. Remember the Green Cross Code. And the annoying advert on TV with the hedgehog that can't sing.

The Manchester Way

Look both ways. Check the number of people waiting with you beside the road. The ideal number should be above 25 with a ratio of at least one hard looking nutter in a Bolton Wanderers/Manchester City/Wigan Warriors replica shirt to every three normal people. If the crowd satisfies these prerequisites then walk across the road. The cars will stop if they know what's good for them. After all, they can't be sure that plowing into the crowd will eliminate all the nutters and if any are left they'll be coming after the driver… madferit.

The Dublin Way

Get two or three hundred friends or, more commonly, relatives. Cross the road. You don't need to look both ways, the city is designed for 500,000 people and there's a million living there so there'll always be gridlock. And if not, well there's enough of you to persuade the traffic to stop anyway.

The Rest Of Ireland Way

Where ever really. It's not like they have cars or anything.

The Devon Way

Look both ways for tractors then instruct your sheepdog to move the flock across the road. Whilst eating fudge. This is according to Housemate:Mike.

The London Way

Look both ways for public transport and/or taxis. There are very few cars moving as Ken Livingstone has decided that a cunning way to stop right wing car users is to being about total gridlock for private vehicles. Yeah, go socialism*. Less care is needed in the congestion charging zone anyone driving in that is clearly rich enough to give a nice payout when they hit you.

The Birmingham Way

Make sure it's actually a road and not one of those really random pedestrianised bits which are everywhere. You'll look a right tool checking for traffic on those.

The Coventry Way

Cross. Quickly. Very quickly. Run! Run dammit, they're after us!?!

The Hull Way

Look both ways for your chav accomplices. Then cross the road regardless of traffic whilst asking oncoming traffic "Awww, wotyouzlookinat? Aww…". Housemate:Els insists she has observed this. I think this is merely how she personally crosses the road.

The Oxford Way

Get the butler to bring whatever is so desirable on the other side of the road to you.

The Cheshire Way

Look both ways. Then look again. If the approaching car is a normal car then cross if you have time. If it's a rich twat's car then run. They don't care about plebians like you although it will piss Jeeves off that he has to scrape your festering, poverty-riddled remains off master's Bentley's grill.

The French Way

At your own risk.

*I actually really like Ken and would vote for him if I still lived in London.

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