All entries for Tuesday 23 August 2005

August 23, 2005

The 99p Eurozone Distaster In The Making!

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In the week that Tory Euro-lover and general all round cigarette person, Ken Clarke declared that the Euro wasn't as good as having warm kittens sit on your feet on a cold November evening, another more terrifying thought is sweeping through the minds of anyone who reads this to the end and then thinks about it.

A report on website The Register suggests that a third of British people want a 99p coin to alleviate the chaos created by mountains of penny pieces generated because companies think we are too stupid to realise that £3.99 isn't just £4.00 with a tiny, inconsequential reduction. Obviously if A level standards continue to fall in line with the rate the Daily Mail believes they are falling at then in 15 years time our children will be too stupid to realise there is a difference between £3.99 and £4.00, as well as being unable to tie their shoelaces, speak English or eat soup properly (though they'll stil be able to write for the Daily Mail).

Apparently £133m is lost in small change every year. Whilst this is currently just a nuisance, as most of it is stored in bottles, sofas and socks, it could in fact become the biggest disaster of all time ever.

How, I hear you ask?

Well if everyone who gets these piddly coins saves them, which more often than not they do, then there must be hundreds of millions of pounds out there in small coins. Or large piles of small coins. Tonnes and tonnes of them. Currently we are safe because people cash them at irregular intervals but what if everyone changed them at the same time? What if there was some event which rendered them obselete but with a warning period for people to ignore and only do some in the last possible week? Say if we changed currency?

Yes people! If we change to the Euro the entire country will fall apart. Banks will grind to a halt as people bring tonnes and tonnes (or possibly tons and tons, I cannot be arsed to remember which one is metric) of slightly smelly copper coloured metal through the doors. Sofas everywhere will be uprooted and looted from living rooms and gardens and rubbish tips. The nation's one penny sweets will run out. Obviously this, in combination with falling A level standards, Big Brother, and people who aren't white, middle class Anglo-Saxons being allowed into Britain, will cause the End Of CivilisationTM.

Why has no one thought of this before?

What is the government going to do to stop it?

Won't someone please think of the children?

In conclusion the Euro is clearly a device designed to cripple our fair nation whilst the EU secretly sends hordes of Luxembourg and Andorran troops into the country to occupy us and force us to measure weight in decimal units of 10, 100 and 1000 instead of logical units like 12, 14 and 16… not that our children can add up in 16s that easily but, as we all know, that's the fault of falling A level standards. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write more hysterical Daily Mail articles and learn my 99 times tables.

99, 198, 297, 396, 495, 594, 693, 792, 891, 990… erm… shit.

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