All entries for Saturday 21 January 2006

January 21, 2006

The Best Tabloid Headline Ever

Writing about web page

I saw this at the Mailwatch website and it truly is the ultimate distillation of the tabloids' agendas into one perfect headline.

I love it. It is beautiful. Now quake middle England, quake like the bitches you are!

Brit Awards 2006

The Brit Award 2006 nominations are out. Unfortunately I forgot to change my name to Kate/Katie/KT/Kay-Tea/Kittie/Katherine/Kakakakakakakakapeckpeckpeck so I did not get nominated in the Best British Female category which is once more a tragic loss to music. The categories are decided by a panel of ultra-conservative music industry who-the-hell-are-theys from the most bloody obvious records released every year (or not released in some cases). Since the 1994 Stop Giving Annie Lennox An Award Every Single Bloody Year Act (introduced as a private members bill in parliament by Edwina Currie) the Brits have tried to make more effort to diversify. They usually fail…

Every year the Awards are held in the prestigious setting of Elton John's toilet which is funny cos he never wins. Here celebrities from the X, Y and Z list mingle with narcoleptic government ministers looking for easy cool, radio DJs from Shit/Merde FM in the Channel Islands, and of course Jordan. The country, not the model as Peter Andre, strangely, never gets nominated. Sometimes somthing interesting happens like the year Coldplay threw a bucket of donkey spunk all over deputy prime minister Steven Gerrard. Or when a clearly inebriated Queen Mother ran onstage as Fatboy Slim won Baldest DJ and vomited all over Charlotte Church's shoes starting the War Of Welsh Independence which has resulted in the Democratic Republic of Wales which last year replaced France as the world's sixth largest economy and topped the world rankings for coutries most at a loss about what to moan about now that the English don't bother them anymore. It's worth noting that this was when Charlotte Church was 14, before her industrial goth metal phase.

Anyway below are this year's nomination with commentary from our esteemed music critic Vladimir Putin Holly Cruise. She has kindly noted who she thinks will win, who will actually win, and who should win in the unlikely case that the panel has forgotten to nominate anyone with any talent. Heaven forbid.

Thank you all and I hope to see you in Sir Elton's loo in a few weeks time for what promises to be an evening of death, slaughter and debauchery.
Nicholas Wankshaft-Smythe, Head of the Brit Awards.

Best British Male Solo Artist
Antony and the Johnsons (Should win)
Ian Brown
James Blunt (Will win)
Robbie Williams
Will Young
The winner should be... Antony.

Best British Female Solo Artist
Charlotte Church
Kate Bush (Will win) (Should win)
Katie Melua
KT Tunstall
Natasha Bedingfield
The winner should be... Kate Bush.)

Best British Band
Coldplay (Will win)
Franz Ferdinand (Should win)
Kaiser Chiefs
The winner should be... Bloc Party.

Corporately Sponsored (evil evil evil say the lefty student) Best Album
Coldplay – X&Y (Will win)
Gorillaz – Demon Days
James Blunt – Back To Bedlam
Kaiser Chiefs – Employment (Should win)
Kate Bush – Ariel
The winner should be... Bloc Party - Silent Alarm.

Best British song we all downloaded illegally thus killing the music industry's childhood pets Single
Coldplay – 'Speed Of Sound'
James Blunt – 'You're Beautiful' (Will win unless this is voted for by people who listen to commercial radio in which case it's 50-50 between this and Shayne Ward... god help us all)
Shayne Ward – 'That's My Goal'
Sugababes – 'Push The Button' (Should win)
Tony Christie vs Peter Kay – 'Amarillo'
The winner should be... Bloc Party - 'Pioneers'.

British Breakthrough Act
Arctic Monkeys (If it's still voted for online then they'll win, if not Blunt will get it) (Should win)
James Blunt
Kasier Chiefs
KT Tunstall
The Magic Numbers
The winner is... well my radar is set differently to the Brits, i.e. I've heard some new music in the last billion years so I'll go with a band I heard and liked (though I admit didn't believe would top the charts) at Christmas 2004 - Arctic Monkeys.

British Urban Act
Craig David
Dizzee Rascal
Kano (Should win)
Lemar (Will win)
Miss Dynamite
The winner should be... Kano or Lady Sovreign. Can't decide.

British Rock Act
Franz Ferdinand (Should win)
Kaiser Chiefs (Will win)
The winner should be... Bloc Party.

British Live Act
Kaiser Chiefs
Franz Ferdinand (Should win)
KT Tunstall
Oasis (Will win)
The winner should be... British Sea Power.

Best Pop Act
James Blunt
Katie Melua
Kelly Clarkson
Madonna (Will win unless there's still a large enough number of teenage girls who still like Westlife despite the evidence of their ears!) (Should win)
The winner should be... Girls Aloud. But Madonna's good as well.

International Male Solo Artist
Bruce Springsteen
Jack Johnson
John Legend
Kanye West (Will win) (Should win)
The winner should be... Kanye West, he knows it.

International Female Solo Artist
Kelly Clarkson
Madonna (Will win) (Should win)
Mariah Carey
Missy Elliot
_The winner should be… Madonna.

Funny how there's one non-American in the entire international solo artist set.

International Group
Arcade Fire (Should win every single award. Twice)
Black Eyed Peas
Green Day (Will win)
White Stripes
The winner should be... ARCADE FIRE

Best International Album
Arcade Fire – Funeral (Should win sooooooooo manyyyyyyyyyyyyyy awards!)
Green Day – American Idiot (Will win)
Kanye West – Late Registration
Madonna – Confessions On A Dancefloor
U2 – How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
_The winner should be… ARCADE FIRE_

International Breakthrough Act
Arcade Fire (Surely they must give this one to Arcade Fire) (Should win)
Daniel Powter
Jack Johnson
John Legend
Pussycat Dolls
The winner should be... oh what do you think?

I'm nothing if not cynical when the Brits come around but who knows? We might get another Belle and Sebastian sized hilarious upset. I hope so, it's funnier that way.

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