All entries for Monday 20 December 2004

December 20, 2004

How To Cook For Students

Writing about web page

This is subtitled to help those who can't speak crappy Spanish

"¡Eh! ¿Holly?" [Hey! Holly?]"
"¿Qué? [What?]"
"Las dos días pasados has dicho, a cada miembre de tu familia a quien dijiste, que no sabes que quieres ser cuando dejas universidad [For the past two days you've told every family member who you spoke to that you don't know what you want to be when you leave university]"
"¿Así? [So?]"
"Delia ha se jubilado. Puedes ser una estrella de la cocina por la tele. [Delia has retired. You could be a kitchen star on the TV.]"
"Estos son drogas muy poderosos, soy hablando conmigo en Español sobre se haciendo una jefa de cocina por la tele… no es un idea mal. [These are strong drugs, I'm talking to myself in Spanish about becoming a TV chef... it's not a bad idea]".

Holly's Guide To Student Cuisine

Students like things simple. This is simple. Delia has shown you how to boil water and cook eggs. I do not even ask this of you. All you need firstly is a kitchen:
Here's one my parents prepared earlier.

You also need a chef's hat. Mine is modelled on the Russian army hats. It can be worn flaps up or flaps down.

Now you need ingredients-bread, cheese and a CD to listen to:

Put the CD in the CD player and press play.

Excellent, now remember to consider those around you who may not like the music you listen to whilst making food. Work out how well soundproofed their rooms are. Play CD at appropriate volume. Or you can tell them to get stuffed, you have great taste and it'll be just like it was with the Killers and Starsailor and Snow Patrol and soon everyone will like this band and they have no taste criticising you now. You are a tastemaker and trendsetter… and a hungry one at that.

Now you must grate the cheese and put it on the bread. Don't eat all the cheese straight away. Greedy student.

Now add something to taste. Search a cupboard or fridge. Don't use marmalde. It's wrong. Try BBQ sauce. Nice.

Put the concoction in a preheated grill. Don't ask me how to operate a grill. Ask someone you live with. If they all hate you then you're a nobhead and you probably deserve it. Or they're nobheads in which case glue their doors shut and melt their keys. Then get the number of a takeaway or something.

Change CD. It'll keep you occupied whilst the food cooks.

Make youself a drink. You're a student so Tesco's value juice is luxury for you. Mmmm…

Whilst you may have seen cute images of small children in 1950s sitcoms being allowed to lick the spoon clean once mommy has made chocolate cake, this is not appropriate here. It's unhygenic and anyway who wants to lick a cheese grater. They feel like cacti to touch.

Take the concoction out fo the grill before you smell burning. Serve with the juice and a copy of the Guardian (Observer if it's a Sunday).


Time to change CD. Is this better or worse than the original? Why do I feel indifferent?

Now for the confident student you can attempt dessert. Not desert cos that's all wrong. Maybe a combination of two childhood treats- Jaffa cake and Muller corner yoghurts (known in my youth as 'Tip-overs'). Or if you're really lazy/desperate to get fit/not Niamh then you could try some fruit.

Oh yeah, new Delia here I come.

Still Bored…

Writing about an entry you don't have permission to view

James has spoken, we must obey.

Number 1 Why did I bother to write number before the 1, given that it is very obvious to all that "1" is a number?
Why do people insist on saying PIN number when the N already stands for number? Such is life.

2 What is the most keyboard-shaped thing that you brought with you to university?
I didn't bring my cheap Yamaha keyboard with me as I grew bored of the bizarre sounds it creates a long time ago. Except the one that claims to be a trumpet. That sound is sitll funny.

3 Would you centralize all industry, and replace the pound with chicken feet?
Yes. Except for the chocolate sector which must remain independent to encourage competition and the futher reduction of prices.

4 Whose brain would you most like to eat? Why?
My brother's. That way we can consolidate the family intelligence into one easy location.

5 What have you found that you'd most like to throw at Elton John?
My brother.

6 What's your favourite shade of yellow?
Golden. Duh, like there's a choice there.

7 If you had the power, would you eradicate poverty from the world with a few nukes to certain countries?
No, I'm lazy and if I were to acquire nukes then Bush would invade Leamington and lots of innocent students and chavs would die.

8 What are some things that make people nervous around you?
My habit of talking to them. Scares the hell out of most people on the train.

9 What's the best thing you've ever eaten? (this one was too good to change)
Not going there.

10 What is your favourite Emu's name? What about Coyotes?
If I had an emu I'd call it Weddy in a bizarre and convoluted reference to the defining moment in John Major's ill fated leadership of this country. And Wiley for the coyote. Childhood role model and all.

11 Why oh why did you choose the course you're studying?
Too lazy to do a science.

12 What's on the walls in your room? Why? (again, needed no changing) Holes. I play with power tools when bored/horny/sleep walking.

13 Why does Mathew Mannion's blog page slow my computer down to snail's pace? Anyone?? That's the computer's equivilent of a moment of quietness as it ponders the big questions.

14 Which body part of your friends would you most like to own?
Spanky's legs. Don't ask.

15 And which would you most like to destroy?
Gitface's evil, black heart which works with her mouth to get me to do things which are so wrong and degrading.

16 Who's funnier - Pontius Pilate or Josef Stalin?
Stalin. Pissed myself the whole way through my Russia In The Twentieth Century module last year.

17 Have you ever won a trophy? If so, why are you blogging? Do you have a personality defect? Or have you been struck with a crippling disease?
I'm on antibiotics.

18 I'm getting tired of writing these questions. Umm ... ?
Are you a Buddhist?

19 If you won £5 million, how much do I stand to gain?
A question many will ask themselves.

20 What is your favourite time of day, to the nearest minute? Why?
Time is an illusion and all those we are slaves to it are fools. This is what I tell my mum when she asks why I don't go to bed before 2am anymore.

21 What is the best place to live - Jupiter, a snake-pit, or Swindon?
We were arguing about where exactly Swindon is today. I know Spanky was born there but that doesn't narrow it down. Is the snake pit Slash's? Cos my mate who I met at the dentist today looks like Slash. Nothing has happened today to link me to Jupiter.

22 List your top ten tips for a budding power blogger without using the words "blog", "the" or "blood".
1) Be male. There are very few female powerbloggers and even those don't blog that much compared to the guys.
2) Don't have a life.
3) Live in a craphole. Therefore in the holidays you will blog your way to fame as there is nothing else to do.
4) Actually, don't bother, this is my patch.

God I'm so bored.

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