All entries for Tuesday 16 January 2007

January 16, 2007


This is the cake no one wants:

The cake is the 300th birthday cake of the signing of the Act Of Union 1707 which decreed that from that day forth the people who had previously lived in Scotland and England would have to pretend to like each other and not rape and pillage each other’s borderlands. Due the nonexistence of a proper Act Of Union with Wales, English and Welsh people are still technically allowed to rape and pillage each other’s borderlands as demonstrated by the massive spanking which London gets everytime Charlotte Church decides to visit.

The Act Of Union abolished the Scottish parliament of the time and is generally seen by historians as having been an excuse for the Scottish MPs to fanny around in London pouring scorn on thw whole place by declaring the inhabitants soft, and their city “crap” in relation to the cold, harsh climes (and indeed climbs) of Edinburgh and its hills. Naturally they couldn’t possibly live in Edinburgh when doing this as none of the London soft poofs would hear them! Thus a long tradition of Scots with something to say going to London was established.

The Act Of Union can seem at times like a massive parent who forced two children who don’t really like each other to play in the same room. This doesn’t stop the children having their own toys (read: international football and rugby teams) nor does it prevent one from bursting into tears when the other one wants to play with its North Sea oil. But as children do, over time they grew up. The stage they currently seem to be at is the mid teens age. Neither has really come to completely accept that they are related, that they’ve known each other for years and years, and that secretly they are fond of each other in that special way you can be fond of someone you’re allowed to punch occasionally. This analogy also explains why places like Stoke-on-Trent exist – they are the teenage acne which has afflicted the faces of these country siblings.

So the anniversary of the pair being put into the same playpen (thus the anniversary of the beginning of a long series of retrievals of the toys both have thrown out of the playpen over the years (cf. Scotland signing a different peace treaty with Russia)) has gone past with not too much fuss. Most of the fuss has been over whether the two will play together much longer. But it would be silly to separate them. Neither truly appreciates that the other needs it in a psychological way. The pair work well together. Sure, they bitch and fight and will never admit to liking each other in public, but that’s the point of siblings sometimes.

So no cake. No party. Everyone carries on without making a fuss or doing anything so vulgar as celebrate. But there’s no massive counter protests. No scramble to lash out on this symbolic day. Neither side appears to care. They probably don’t. No one cares about how they got their family (mostly because it involves thinking about parent sex and that is wrong). They just did. It’s very very…



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