All entries for Wednesday 15 February 2006

February 15, 2006

Brits Become Total Disaster Zone

Follow-up to Brit Awards 2006 from Hollyzone

Not alas, because someone drove a truck full of concrete through the room showering all the talentless twats in concrete and squishing some of the lamest minds of our gneration. No, this is a disaster because they gave the wrong people awards. Ok ok, I know I shouldn't have expected anything less but seriously! There's some appalling crap being 'recognised'. Why does this happen every year and why do I care? Why?

Best Pop Act Award - James Blunt
No. No no no. He whines like the inside of a kettle which knows it's broken and is on the last cup of tea it will ever boil before it shorts out the fuse and dies in a melted plastic heap of crap. A Tesco's value kettle. From a dodgy batch which was recalled in most instances due it being bad for the health. That whiny.

Best British Urban Act Award - Lemar
Meh, he's harmless and inoffensive. I guess I'd prefer someone a bit more exciting but he's not offended me with blandness or been outright satanic in crapness so I guess it's not the worst thing ever.

Best International Breakthrough Act Award is - Jack Johnson
Sorry WHAT? You nominated the most beautiful, perfect band of the decade (Arcade Fire, citizens, as if I don't rave about them enough anyway) and this flappy, woozy, pseudo-cool meandering wins? He sounds like he'd rather be asleep on a beach whereas Arcade Fire sound like they want to ignite a fire in your soul and change the world. He sounds like he can't be arsed to change his socks. He probably wears socks with his sandals! Argh!

Best International Male Solo Artist Award is - Kanye West
Oh look, they got one right. Well done Brit Awards, you useless shower of shite.

Best British Rock Award is - Kaiser Chiefs
But they're not rock. Ok, they're not awful, but they're not rock. They are a strain of quite enjoyable pop which uses guitars and deserves more respect than it gets. A shame as this award could have gone to someone who deserved a bit more exposure, but I guess there has to be one big winner amongst the nominees and at least they beat Blunt.

Best British Breakthrough Artist Award is - Arctic Monkeys
Not a surprise but still shouldn't have been. They didn't break through till the very end of the year (after the Brits deadline I think) so really should be up for this next year… although they'll probably do a Kaiser Chiefs next year and win everything. Oh well…

Best British Live Act Award is - Kaiser Chiefs
I cannot really comment, I've not seen them live. I need to go to more gigs.

Best British Male Solo Artist Award is - James Blunt

I hope Antony and Ian Brown ambushed him in the carpark and ninja kicked him till they got the award off him. Used to be in the army, I doubt he could take a 6' 4" transvestite and a pissed off Mancunian. Hell, let's not even be nice, let's really terrify him and set Bjork on him.

Best British Single Award is - Coldplay, Speed Of Sound
It's very… Coldplay. Almost too much, but in isolation it is quite nice and is a safe option. But then again it has been everywhere, infecting the planet in a glow of nice MOR ambience which can only offend by being utterly inoffensive, not an issue when taken alone, maybe sandwiched between songs with pulses, but over an album? No thanks.

Best International Group Award is - Green Day
Well, realistically Arcade Fire weren't gonna win this, so I guess this lot will do. Funny how the teenage rebels are now the toast of the wanky besuited brigade who think they know music but haven't a clue. Maybe the irony is lost upon them, but I don't think Green Day are exactly down with the Ford Mondeos and canapes. Or maybe I'm holding onto a lost cause and they do. Do we all sell out in the end?

Best British Group Award is - Kaiser Chiefs
Ok, I'll admit, this one is a bit of a surprise. I thought it would be Coldplay but apparently the men in suits wanted to go for a hard edged, gritty, inner city bunch of dangerous poets, producers and hardnosed chroniclers of the brutal lives of so many young and unfortunate kids who live in shitty conditions dreaming of better futures and the spark that might one day light the bonfire of revolution and utopia… however Girls Aloud weren't nominated so they went for the Kaisers.

Best British Female Artist Award is - KT Tunstall
Not Kate Bush!
Falls off chair in surprise
This is what happens whren you nominate too many people with the same name. You get confused. It's like voting for Slovakia in Eurovision when you meant to vote for Slovenia. Not that Ms Bush or Ms Tunstall resemble eastern European nations. Although Natasha (Katie) Bedingfield does a good impression of the Ukraine after a few pints.

Best International Female Solo Artist Award is - Madonna
Did anyone not see this happening? The woman who cannot be killed will soon conquer us all and rule from a shiny disco palace of hi-NRG and pain! We will be her slaves and have no free will. Then, and only then, will she reveal her true identity… mwhahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Best International Album Award is - Green Day, American Idiot
Still dubious about this as it was released last year (in Brit Award terms) and is only on here through the slightly dodgy, fudged rules they have. If they need two goes to recognise something does that not suggest that instead of listening out for good music they actually have their heads wedged up their arses searching for the sun (which sure as hell ain't there)? I hate the industry.

Best Corporate Whore British Album Award is - Coldplay, X&Y

So they managed to balls much of it up. So what? It's because people read about this in the press, watch it on TV. It should be honest and not pander, it should make people want to investigate, stop this armchair fan complacency and get out there with a fire in its heart. But it won't. They never do.

Maybe next year…

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