All entries for Monday 05 May 2008

May 05, 2008

Capital Auditions

Attention all major cities in Britain!

We, the citizens of Britain would like to alert all the major cities, or indeed cities with aspirations to be major, that there is likely in the next couple of years for there to become a vacancy in the position of capital city of the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Northern Ireland and a few scattered little islands with strange folks and strange laws. This is likely to come about after the residents of the incumbent capital city, ‘London’, managed to choose a leader the rest of the country was well aware is a bumbling fool who, current predictions are indicating, is probably going to crash the damn thing into Reading sometime around October, causing untold damage.

London and Reading not to scale. Obviously.

Frankly we are not the sort of country which wishes to led by a complete laughing stock. We’ve already tried that with Colchester* and it just didn’t work. So we have decided to notify all the other cities that the vacancy is soon available. This is in order to prepare applications as we are aware most people in this nation weren’t expecting Londoners to be quite so careless with their votes.

Cities considering applying should be aware of the following conditions:

- The city in question requires a Premiership football team. A capital city with no club in the top division is a capital city of no concept of the nation’s main religion and therefore will not be sufficiently in touch with the people. Also the only major footballing nation which looks like it might be without a capital rep in the top flight next season is France.
- The city in question must have culture. It doesn’t have to be a capital of culture, just have some culture. Obviously having good bands originating from the city would be useful, ideally influential, successful, lasting ones, although they don’t have to be the Beatles. The city could also benefit from having a soap opera set there, although it really shouldn’t be Brookside. In other words, don’t get cocky about this, Liverpool.
- The city in question must be able to prove it is sufficiently pleasant to live in and not too overpriced. We think this is what caused the problems with the last one. Nice buildings will be viewed favourably. Insisting you’re planning to build them at some stage is not enough on its own, and no, before you ask, the Bullring is not enough on its own to count. Birmingham must try harder.
- Gun crime levels must be convincingly high for wannabe gangstas but sufficiently low to deflect potential tourists. Nottingham should be aware this isn’t specifically aimed at it, although let’s face it, it is. Manchester must not get complacent.
- Cities with a tendency to vote BNP are out.
- Cities with a tendency to vote on X Factor will have to justify themselves with a selection of bohemian shops and boutiques. Cultural homogenisation will not be tolerated.
- No city where the predominant food-base is pure pie will be considered. Sorry, we know this is harsh, but as our advisor Joe Shephard has pointed out, pies are extremely tasty and fattening so will reduce productivity. You cannot work and go “nom nom nom” at the same time, no matter how often you practise.

Applicants are invited to send their CVs and a covering letter to the usual address (‘Blue Peter’) and we will be interviewing later. Please be available on the weekend of the V Festival. Yes, we know this rules out Chelmsford and Stafford, but it’s not really a shock that neither really stand a chance.


*Historically speaking Colchester sucked at ruling Britain, the tribes just squabbled and then the Romans boshed the lot of them. Colchester, you sucked!

May 2008

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