All entries for Tuesday 05 April 2005

April 05, 2005

See My Fanclub? That's Your Parents

Some skills I have which really can't go on the CV.

Looking Busy
Yeah, I'm working. Course I am. I am clearly staring intently at something, the first major sign of concentration. And I'm wearing glasses. Everyone knows defective eyes come on the same gene as the Really Hard Worker gene. And look, I didn't hear you call my name (possibly because I'm called Holly not Oi You). So I was so wrapped up in my work that it was too much even for you to drag me away first time.

What do you mean it looks like Spider Solitaire to you? Weirdo!

Pub Quiz Brain
No I can't remember your name. I've only been introduced to you 43781975 times so it hasn't sunk in yet. And no, I have no idea what his phone number is. He told me three times and wrote it down but I can't recall it. Or where the paper is. And what do you mean 'was I drinking last night?' I have no idea. I can't remember what I did this morning never mind a whole sleep ago.

The capital of Ecuador? Quito. Shortest reigning English monarch? Lady Jane Grey (nine days). Who won the 1938 World Cup? Italy.

I'd remember the other stuff but look at all the important information I am storing. Honestly, some people.

Car Theft
Look, I just so happen to know how to break into and steal a car. Of course I've never done so. I just know alright? Don't ask, it's a long story. I'm serious, it's just something I know. Where did I find out? Oh here and there? Nowhere serious. Yeah? Ok, it's just trivia for my Pub Quiz Brain. Right? Alright, so just leave it.

Karoshi
Japanese word meaning 'death from overwork' you say? Work a seven day week you say? No overtime you say? Start with a twelve hour day you say? Why can't I just say no.

Collapses in tired heap

Parental Fan Club
"Why hello Mr and Mrs [insert name of friend here], I'm Holly, I'm [insert name of friend here]'s friend."

Mere minutes later aforementioned parents are mine, lured into my world of self depracting charm, intellectual (but not too intellectual) one liners and references to things they find interesting ("Dutch football? Ah my cousin is married to a Dutchman who supports Willem II. Yes they are a bit crap compared to your team").

Stand up straight but not too tall. Fiddle with my glasses because people who wear glasses are calm, measured individuals who don't encourage people's children to get wasted, fall over and generally act the fool.

See that putty in my hand? That's your parents, that is.


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