All entries for Monday 04 April 2005

April 04, 2005

Slumming It

Just to recap, I've had a crap week but the sheer volume of crap things that have happened/I have done and am now regretting is such that I am mentally incapable of giving each individual reason the time and attention it needs to really chew away at my soul. Therefore I have become incapable of worrying. Like when you're in a bread factory and you smell all the bread and after a while you can't smell it anymore because it's overwhelming. So I'm actually quite chuffed. Why?

Cos I'm slumming it!


Reason no.3 to be annoyed was that on Friday my wallet went missing in a suspected pickpocketing that I can't actually prove. So technically it wasd 'lost', though all this means is I can't get a free new Union/Uni card.

But here is what I lost:

  • 3 bank cards. I don't normally carry this many but it was rent day so money had to be shifted around like some intriguing Swiss banker in some international heist novel.
  • My student card and buspass. Mmm, hence why I'm already down £15 having bought a new one today. And I was doing so well with not having lost it/eaten it/washed it in my trousers.
  • Driver's license. I will never see that again. The picture on it is surely of someone else.
  • £10. Now I'll never be able to afford British Sea Power's new album.
  • Rock climbing card. Haven't seen since summer anyway.
  • The wallet itself. I liked that wallet.

So I'm slumming it. Already £50 in debt to other (lovely) people, I've been ignoring my excessive impulses. No slurges. No tubs of expensive icecream. No limousines into work. No Dolce and Gabbana tea towels. I've had to let Jeeves go!

But it's strangely fun. I think I can see now why my brother lives beyond his means all the time. Will I get enough money for the busfare home and a toasty to ease my grumbling stomach? Can a toasty give enough energy to fuel a 10 mile walk to Leam?

I've already had to mend my broken shoes with the last of the house cellotape. When all three of my belts snapped simultaneously a minute later I was forced to improvise using the most stubborn, sticky substance I could find which turned out to be marmalade (non-bitty). I knew then that everything was against me, but I was winning. When the battery died in Boz's camera and deprived me of my planned evening of taking photos of the skirting boards in the house, I got all nineteenth century and drew the bastards.

So far in the cold dark night, after I was unable to pay the coin-operated electricity meter, I have found distraction by lighting a small candle and translating Kant's 'Critique Of Pure Reason' into chav. I hope this way to educate the masses, or at least confound them. Tonight I may finish in which case I will reward myself with a biro.

So if your troubles are too numerous to numerate, and your angst too angular to accentuate, don't despair. Enjoy the subtle decadence of having no money. No need to conform because you can't afford to. Each off your knee in front of the TV (whilst imaging you paid for the electricity to watch it). Don't shut the door when you go to the toilet (no lights so no one can see anyway). Don't tidy away your socks from the kitchen table.

Slumming it citizens. It means I'm better than you…

April 2005

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