All entries for Thursday 03 August 2006
August 03, 2006
Premiership 2006–07 – What Will Happen
Hi everyone, welcome to Hollyzone's Completely 110% Accurate Football Season Prediction ArticleTM which will tell you exactly what's going to happen in this season's footballing action. Just find your team (or one you hate) and bask in the knowledge that you can impress friends with your seemingly psychic tips on what will happen. William Hill and Ladbrokes are quaking in their boots as we speak!
After being hit by several major players retiring, or just becoming old and shit, Arsenal decide to only employ players born after 14th April 1987. Led by "Old Man" Theo Walcott, the squad do surprisingly well for most of the season, especially from Boxing Day onwards, a fact which is attributed to the entire squad getting new boots off their mums for Christmas. Unfortuntely Arsenal have to forfeit several games in April and May due to the heavy workload of the squad's GCSEs.
Arsene Wenger fails to see the entire season.
Final Placing 6th.
Aston Los Angeles Villa
Aston Vila start the season with new owners after being bought by the men behind the LA Lakers. Like the Lakers, Villa are moved to LA from Villa Park which proves a nightmare to their fans but quite nice for Roman Abramovich. In November club captain Gareth Barry leaves after receiving an offer of a major role in Pirates Of The Caribbean 3. LA Villa narrowly avoid relegation on the last day after a special effects packed final match against Bolton although there are claims that at least three of their four goals are CGI.
Roy Aitken is replaced by Robert De Niro in October.
Final Placing 17th
Blackburn celebrate pesuading Liverpool to sign Craig Bellamy by being linked to other such nice, calm, not sulky players like Nicholas Anelka, Christian Vieri and Angelica from Rugrats. Eventually they don't sign any of these players and instead settle for signing the entire Australian national team… which considering Vieri spent many years in Australia makes him seem like the perfect Blackburn player does it not?
Mark Hughes gets mistaken for David Hasslehoff and the tanned American student hero spends February on the bench at Ewood Park until someone spots the switch.
Final Placing 5th
Having not got the England job Big Sam "Allerdyce" commiserates himself with eleven new free signing all aged over 32. When they play Arsenal the average age of the players on the pitch is 25 despite there being no players on the pitch actually in their 20s. Eventually in his remorseless pursuit of the most modern methods Big Sam has his entire body replaced with cybernetic implants. This still does not get him the England job even though Steve McLaren leads England to four 8–0 defeats in his first five games.
Stelios Giannakopoulos and Jussi Jääskeläinen come to blows in May about who has the harder to spell name.
Final Position 9th
Charlton announce they will be taking on their most successful team in years and set them up for new challenges. As it turns out this means they are going to mostly use their women's team instead of their men's team in the Premiership. Incredibly they are top of the table until mid–November at which point the FA rules that it is ok to kick girls. The following day Steve Sidwell, playing for Reading, is the first player to actually tackle a Charlton player. Unfortunately the player he tackles is Hermann Hreiğarsson (one of three players who has been wearing drag all season to get a game) who is hard. Sidwell suffers a broken foot.
Final Position 12th
After buying every single footballer in the entire universe, Chelsea are forced to loan most of them out to cut a wage bill higher than France's GDP. Unfortunately an overzealous administration means that on the first day of the season too many players have been loaned out leaving Mourinho to face Manchester City with just Cech, Terry, Ballack and Drogba. They still win 2–0. A reshuffle of the squad eventually sorts the situation out and Chelsea proceed to win the league comfortably only losing to Manchester United and Reading. They fail to win the Champion's League after being forced to play a good team.
Mourinho sulks for a whole month in June after failing to win Most Annoying Manager in the league – "I am the best and should win everything", moans the Portugese sore loser.
Final Position 1st
Everton decide to perfectly replicate the previous season and do so, winning exactly the same number of games, with exactly the same scorelines. This however means they are forced to forfeit six games after refusing the recognise that Reading, Sheffield Utd and Watford are actually in the Premiership.
David Moyes… is.
Final Position 14th
After drawing 0–0 with Real Madrid, Fulham are immediately made the bookies favourites to win the league, the FA cup, the Carling cup, the Champions' League, the UEFA cup, the Ashes, the Six Nations, the Ryder cup and at least two BAFTAs.Manager Chris Coleman tries to play down expectations by running around west London screaming "we're all going to DIE!" after watching Armageddon on DVD. In the hype no one notices a massive £8m bet being put on Fulham to finish 13th by a Mr A. al–Fayed. They eventually finish 13th. No one at Real Madrid returns their calls.
Chris Coleman eventually calms down after being shown Notting Hill.
Final Position 13th
After a long series of negotiations it is decided to move Liverpool's Champions' League qualifier with Maccabi Hafia for reasons of safety. The game eventually goes ahead in Doncaster with the relieved Israelis saying they were terrified at the thought of going to the City Of Culture 2008. "They might make us watch Ken Dodd" said one Hafia fan, "Much scarier than Hizbullah". Liverpool then spend the rest of the season teaching their players to speak Spanish, leading to 90% of the squad getting A*–C in Spanish in their GCSEs. Stephen Gerrard gets a A** because everyone besan su vago. Damn, now I'm doing it!
Liverpool's love affair with the media will continue with all the intensity of Sven Goran Ericksson meeting a new secretary.
Final Position 3rd
Another season of hard grafting although the defensive problems appear to have been solved by the news that club captain Richard Dunne has had his 'rock of defence' reputation taken seriously, and has now been carved into the shape of a deity in an Amazonian religion. It is hoped that the worshipping tribes people will create enough distraction in the penalty area to ensure City do not leak any goals as opposing attackers risk a dart to the neck for upsetting the deity.
It is estimated that in the coming season there will be approximately 4,680,000 uses of the popular claim that more Mancunians support Manchester City than support Manchester United. This claim has yet to be proven by anyone with any scientific methods.
Final Position 15th
Building on their second place last year (which for any other team would be a good result but is clearly the worst thing of all time ever if you're Manchester United) Manchester United were hit by a series of internal problems as manager Sir Alex Ferguson fell out with everyone at the the club, most seriously with striker Louis Saha (for not liking Ribena), midfield duo John O'Shea (for preferring West Wing to Lost) and Paul Scholes (for having small eyes), as well as defender Rio Ferdinand (for taking the hat piece in Monopoly), club mascot Fred the Red (for being fictional), owners the Glazers (for being American), celebrity fan Mick Hucknall (for being responsible for Simply Red's back catalogue) and Lord Byron (for being dead).
Despite all this Manchester United still finished second after giving Chelsea towards the end of the season… by creeping up behind them and going "BOO!".
Final Position 2nd
After having it pointed out to them that they quite often beat big teams, Middlesborough started the season with a new strategy – to beat everyone. Within three games this had been abandoned as "boring" and the more exciting, relegation dodging plan was adopted. However in this neverending pursuit of exciting football 'Boro neglected to notice that just because it is exciting to see Arsenal beat you 27–0 the league placings aren't decided on excitement levels and 'Boro went down with a goal difference of –3, much of it a result of their shock 73–0 defeat of Chelsea.
Gareth Southgate later appeared in a self depracating advert for Pizza Hut which joked about those 27–0 defeats.
Final Position 18th
Deprived of Alan Shearer and Sunderland, Newcastle spent the entire season looking around, saying "who are we?" and having existential crises. "All great art, and today all great artlessness, must appear extreme to the mass of men, as we know them today." asked Kieron Dyer in homoage to Alexander Trocchi. Quoting Sartre, new signing Damien Duff added "Acting is a question of absorbing other people's personalities and adding some of your own experience" to which Jean–Alain Boumsong added "I think therefore I am… except I don't really think much, hence why I am rubbish".
Former star Alan Shearer is believed to called the whole atmosphere "a load of bollocks".
Final Position 7th
With their lovely new cash injection from baby Abramovich, Alexandre Gaydamak, Portsmouth set about emulating their west London rivals by attempting to buy everyone. Unfortunately everyone had already been bought by Chelsea. Instead Gaydamak invested several million pounds in moving Fulham down to the coast so Portsmouth could have Chelsea's local rivals if not their success and players. New manager Joe Simon Rinio (say it aloud) said he was the best thing since sliced bread and that within the next seven or eight decades Portsmouth would be challenging Real Madrid for the Champions' League. Real were said to be "sceptical".
Final Position 8th
The Championship champions were in their first ever season in the top division and duly spent the whole year admiring the view and cooing about how nice it was up there, although the air was a bit thin and the other teams were a bit good sometimes. In fact it wasn't like the Championship, was it Steve? It was different back there, oh yes, you used to travel to much less nice stadiums than this. Stadia? Is that the fancy word you use in this division? Get you. Well, it's all very nice up here, and look! There's Frank Lampard, let's go and ask for his autograph, do excuse us.
It's ever so exciting.
Final Position 16th
Despite being able to piss on Wednesday from a great height, United were unable to maintain much presence, partly due to the fact that their manager was roughly 3972 times more interesting than the rest of the squad put together. Whilst Neil Warnock managed to piss off more people than Jose Mourinho, in full tapping up mode, at a convention of Arsenal supporters, his players didn't do much at all for the whole season, pausing only to demonstrate… something… we weren't reall paying attention at the time sorry.
Final Position 19th
After having keeled over en masse with the squits to lose the fourth spot to Arsenal, Tottenham have employed much stricter culinary regimes which involve the use of White Hart Lane as an organic farm with animals being moved on match days, rather like how they move the cows off the Glastonbury site whenever the festival is there. Describing his new role as head chef, Didier Zokora said "It is better for one of us to cook as we do not want to poison ourselves, do we?" as he poured out the pan of boiling hot baked beans which club waiters Robbie Keane and Calum Davenport took out to the rest of the team. Reports that Young–Pyo Lee's "Fido Surprise" was the most popular dish have been denied.
Martin Jol has two brothers called Cock and Dick Jol. I am not making this up.
Final Position 4th
Are you ready, are you ready for love?
Yes I am
Are you, are you ready, are you ready for love?
Yes I am
Are you, are you ready, are you ready for love?
Final Position 20th
West Ham United
With the news that they are now the least hated team in London, West Ham began a hearts and minds campaign aimed at winning the hearts and overloading the minds of their opponents. By incorporating magic eye images into their shirts and advertising hoardings, West Ham were able to leave opposition players stood stock still trying to work out if it was a boat or a pigeon they were meant to be seeing, whilst Marlon Harewood used the distractions to become the league's top scorer. Unfortunately they were unable to use their plans away from home and wibbled around in midtable as a result.
Manager Alan Pardew commented on the season that "it wasn't a boat or a pigeon, it was a picture of Bobby Moore all along".
Final Position 10th
The underdogs who always get away with it. Despite a lack of evidence Wigan ended the season suspected of being behind a series of bank raids resulting in millions of pounds being stolen. Announcing the signing of Ronaldinho in January for a British record £50m, manager Paul Jewell denied any actual armed robbery was behind the Brazilian's signing, saying "he liked the irony of a landlocked town having a pier and had play for us".
Despite spending the entire year trying to leave, Pascal Chimbonda was still a Wigan player at the end of the season.
Final Position 11th