I need comments, people – PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you! :)
You can no longer see me;
the mirror told me
you were mute).
Now I am forgotten
as I flit
through your coloured-coded life.
You lost yourself;
trying to find me.
I was calling
(as I always did).
You sank yourself
into a reflection
you knew –
secret – scared.
I shake you
– have you back
– see as you notice
stood so close that I know
that your eyes are soft to the touch
and that your irises melt
with my fingertips.
But your pupils are black holes,
lost within themselves
and they no longer dilate in the light.
I like this – probably better than your fiction (which I’m assuming is on the same topic? The project you’re working on at the minute?)
I love the bit about eyes being “soft to the touch” and the image of melting irises, mmm. Nice. And the last line too. Love the word “dilate”, more people should use it in their poetry.
“Fliting” through life though, is a little cliche – perhaps re-think your verb there?
Don’t know if you really need the brackets round “(me again)”
“I was calling / (I always did)” – I’m not sure about this, the second line is perhaps superfluous? It feels like it’s not doing anything – it doesn’t detract, it’s just not saying anything in particular.
Like the first stanza. Very Simon Armitage. (and just so you know, I like Simon Armitage, despite having studdied him at GCSE, so that’s a compliment.)
06 Nov 2006, 09:45
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