THIS IS GREAT HOLLY! READ IT AND LAUGH (OR WEEP)
It was an undeniably hot day at College of Cakes's home ground last week, as Warwick's captain Emma 'Boz' Boswood led her team suggestively onto the pitch. Straight from the kickoff, Warwick were feeling careful, Daisy Christodoulou staggering intimidatingly up the wing and around the opposition faster than a bristling tiger. Throughout the following half, Warwick played a pathetic game, whilst the strange crowd kept chanting 'There's an apostrophe in the plural, you muppets!' . At half time, Warwick captain Emma 'Boz' Boswood berated her team for their undeniably beautiful play, whilst Marie Thuard was brought on for Claire McMaster, who claimed to be hungover. Following a violent collision with a goalpost, Gloria Radici was substituted for Winnie Sia, who was clearly suffering from a broken spleen. The daft little minx was immediately carried to the nearest St. Johns' Ambulance to lull the opposition into a false sense of security. Warwick's Emma 'Boz' Boswood shuffled down the pitch, distracting College of Cakes's Catherine Archers, before passing carelessly to Daisy Christodoulou. She lined up and took the shot, but College of Cakes's goalkeeper Emily Baileys palmed the ball wide. By the time the whistle was finally blown, the abstract College of Cakes had unrestrainedly humiliated Warwick, 7–3.
AND THIS ONE (WHY DO I ALWAYS GET SUBBED?)
Last week saw an inebriated Warwick Women's seconds put in another rabid performance, in a home game against College of Cakes. Straight from the kickoff, Warwick were feeling hungover, Harriet Husbands crawling suggestively around the opposition angrier than a fluorescent tiger. College of Cakes's Angela Castlemaine had to restrain Daisy Christodoulou when she snapped, and started trying to rip College of Cakes's Michelle Purple's arms off. Half time came, and Warwick captain Emma 'Boz' Boswood stopped for a drink, whilst Claire McMaster was substituted for Gloria Radici, who claimed to be drunk. Shortly afterwards, play was disrupted briefly, when Warwick's Eleanor Black ascended into heaven. Warwick's Emma 'Boz' Boswood checked their insurance, and the game proceeded. At the end of the game, Warwick had thrashed a muddy College of Cakes side 7–2. This week's woman of the match was Ros Goodfellow, whose lazy perfomance and rabid impropriety may one day see her legally representing Warwickshire.