February 01, 2005

Being here AGAIN

On the last days of the last term I was almost obsess in going back home. This might be a paradox. for almost 6 years I have been travelling around being dependent on my baggage. Many times I had to live suddenly and make them in 5 minutes. Although I was never far away for more than 2 months. It was the most inscribable feeling when I put my feet on the Portuguese soil. The first and immediate chock telling me that I was in Portugal was the explosion of light, a high blue shining sky. I landed in Faro, still not being my natural habitat I must have looked like a child staring trough the tiny airplane window. I was so happy. Four hours later I was in Lisbon. Arriving in Lisbon, my homeland was succeeded by an strange feeling of rightness, looking at river and on the horisont the see, reflexing the brightness of the light seems to be the most correct and true thing on heart. Many poet-philosophers also described “Saudade” on this ultimate feeling of human perfection by a natural integration of human/heart. I always found the argument stylistically appropriated but not practical. On that they it was for me almost a revelation, and its almost consequent fatalistic effect over me made me delay my return to Warwick several days, that is to say almost a week. It was not easy to live. Whenever I live from a place there is a child-like feeling of happiness, for a long time, as I said 6 years that became almost remarked on my personality as a life still, and those particular moments on an Airport seem to be the exponential incorporation of a live project. Becoming an Erasmus Student and departing to Warwick was also a project of breaking down with a vicious system. I shell call it a “giving content to a live meaning”. This time, it was so painful having to live again. I feel my self as territorialized as never. I’m still not sure if I can talk about a shift on my previous continuous territorialization process. Where each placed I visit I tended to incorporate it on my reference territorial corpus, on a strange extreme inter/extra-reflexive cosmopolitanism.
I’m I getting back to origins?
I would be hard to believe on such a simplistic argument.
3 Weeks after I presume to have won a certain combat. Most of what I can say is that it is so hard to be aware of continuous evolutions in one self that it leads to some lostness. One immediately recognize there is a sense of missing… Though not difficult to gess.

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