All entries for Thursday 18 May 2006

May 18, 2006

Soooo, this whole failure thing….

With every exam I sit the possibility of me getting the thing I've been working for for ages gets slimmer and slimmer. After getting kicked off the Masters course last year the thing that comforted me was the possibility of getting a 2.1 at the end of the 3 years. Now that seems to be disappearing. I'm so close to the end and so close to my goal, just a couple of percentage points here, the odd mark there would do, and yet it seems like I'm running uphill and with every single exam that I take, every day I cross off the wall planner the hill keeps getting steeper.

The biggest problem I have is that my exams (and I guess my degree) is all over in 4days. If I stopped working now and just did a half hour blitz before each of the remaining 4 exams I'd get a 2.2 because I'm confident that I know enough to get the marks I need to get that. The problem is that I could work my arse off this week and still get a 2.2. Why should I bother? If I get 50% or if I get 57% it's still a 2.2. I know employers sometimes probe to find out whether you were just off a 2.1 or if you scraped your way out of a 3rd with a lot of hard work at the end but at the end of the day it still goes down as the same thing. Fucking annoying.

Failure fucking sucks. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that getting a 2.2 from Warwick is a bad thing, hell no. Any degree from Warwick is not something to be scoffed at. I just know I'm better than that and I'm not even going to achieve my second best now. If anyone has anything that could make me much much happier I would appreciate it, whether it be a hug or a slap and some good advice.

Even Kerrang! ads aren't making me smile as much as they used to. I can now listen to the sarcy–voiced woman say hilarious lines such as "About as welcome as a call from an ex telling you to get down the clinic" and "Would you ask your mum for advice on how to please your partner? Really?" without even so much as smirking. It is a sad day.

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