February 09, 2005

Day dreaming

The days go by and I am still day dreaming through the hours. I couldnít exactly say that the days repeat itself again and again as they donít. But somehow all my feelings turned numb making everyday no different from the others. When there are people around who donít want to associate with you but when they have no one to turn to you are their last resort. It never really bothered me but suddenly it kind of HIT me. I know I am very much my own person but am I so much my OWN that seem unapproachable by others? Or am I just too approachable that they feel like they need a challenge?

Now I am in my second term at Uni but somewhat there are parts in me that I feel I am in my second year in England (being in Year 10) again. The shaved head and the sleeping pills. This combination which I thought I left it all behind when I left prep school. Unfortunately, it hadnít. I am living life to the full (so-to-speak) but at times I just feel like everything is ON TOP OF ME literally. It is exhausting. My life seems to be an uphill of ecstasy and then a downhill of depressions. Even through years of training from depression I still donít seem to be able to cope it well. I suppose that is depression for you isnít it?! Other wise it would be call depression? I fought for weeks/ months to try not to get into it but itís too late now. It had taken over me! It is like loosing control on a car when the electronics failed to work when the vehicle is at its highest speed. It is not a matter of not knowing what to do. I think out of everyone else I know best what to do. It is more of a matter of WHY. After all I am a scientist. I love asking why. Why should I bother? Why does it matter? The damage is done.

Not being able to do what I love doesnít not help me. I am surprise that it took quite this length of time before the evil of depression begun to slam at my face! Surgery was at the end of last July. Nine months to heal completely. Nine months of no sailing and practical tech theatre. Loosing the ability of being able to go out there and sail and not have no worry about anything on shore! If I sail now I know that I will do more damage which could mean that I would not be able to sail again EVER. I cannot not begin to imagine that. Meanwhile, I will sit still and strap myself to the seat and let the depression ride by then hours of ecstasy will comeÖ.

- One comment Not publicly viewable

  1. hugs

    You know where I am if you need me. Love u hon.


    10 Feb 2005, 16:54

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