February 04, 2005

Parasite Eve 2

Waay back in 1997, when the original Parasite Eve was released, we were introduced to the concept of Neo Mitochondria, rogue organisms with the charming habit of invading human hosts and turning them into icky homicidal mutants. Our unfeasibly blonde and leggy heroine, Aya Brea was an NYPD cop who helped wipeout the cause of the epidemic, but as is so often the case in the world of video games, things aren't that simple. So having left the NYPD, Aya is now part of a top-secret (aren't they all?) agency called MIST, which apparently isn't the Manchester Institute of Science and Technology, but the Mitochondria Investigation and Supression Team, which sounds a bit like a Government QUANGO. With me so far? Good. Anyway, the little beasties have started rampaging round LA, which is where we come in.

The game starts in a high rise block in a plush part of the city. A monster has been sighted making its way up to the top floor. 20 SWAT team members have been sent after it, but have not returned. So What's the next move? Send in the army? The Marines? Nah, let's send in a lone female agent armed with nothing but a bayonet. Yeah, she's that good. So good in fact, that while the rest of us are donning full body armour and bullet proof vests, she's charging around in a clingy vest and hotpants, clearly relishing her secondary role as every 14 year old boy's wet dream.

The gameplay evolves in classic Resident Evil style, as the hilariously inappropriately dressed Aya travels through prerendered backdrops, solving the odd puzzle and shooting anything that gets in her way. One aspect in which the game really excels is the presentation, which is superb for a game of its day, with lush backgrounds and dynamic, flickering lighting. The in game animation is smooth and even the protagonists don't suffer from the characteristic PS1 blockiness. Where the game falls down is the lack of vocal soundtrack. Conversations are in sub-titles only, meaning a lot of exaggerated arm waving animation to convey the characters' feelings, giving you the strange feeling you're watching a bunch of deaf-mutes doing vaudeville.

Another downer is the arbitrary nature of the puzzles. There is no provision in the game for picking up an object that looks as if it might be useful later, or guessing a solution to a puzzle without picking up all the clues. The relevant bit of scenery only becomes 'live' once Aya herself gets the idea resulting in endless to-ing and fro-ing. For example, I came across a door that needed a wrench to open it. I remembered seeing a wrench in a garage a couple of scenes back. I went to get the aforementioned wrench only to find out that I couldn't pick it up, I had to back-track about nine scenes to ask the garage owner's permission to use the wrench, before going all the way back to the beginning to use the damned thing.

The controls also frustrate, although this is symptomatic of the PS1's lack of analogue stick than the game itself. Running AND turning a corner at the same time is nigh on impossible, and in confined spaces you will find yourself having to stop, pirouette 90 degrees and then carry on. Sadly, none of the in-game monsters seem to suffer from this lack of mobility, and the whole sorry mess is exacerbated by the fact that Aya moves about as fast as an elephant driving a combine harvester. She also takes a painfully long time to reload her weapon, usually resulting in a thorough mauling before she has time to squeeze the next round off.

The inventory/ level up system is second only only to Resident Evil Outbreak in terms of its stupidity. After every battle, Aya receives EXP points, and Battle Points which enable her to upgrade her weapons. The EXP points only allow the upgrading of Aya's magic, not her Hit Points, so her Health remains at about 100HP throughout the game despite the massive hike in enemy difficulty. Certain pieces of armour can add HP to her total but these tend to be expensive and the sparse scattering of items around the locale means you'll be spending most of your battle points on ammo anyway.

In battle, the only items you are allowed to use are the 4 that you 'attach' to your weapon before hand. This introduces a whole element of frantic, demented guesswork into the game. What weapon or ammunition will I need for the next scene out of the 50 squillion odd available? The game is unforgiving if you make a mistake and it's utterly excruciating to play for half an hour between save points, only to get wiped out in one fell swoop because 40 rounds of buckshot wasn't up to the job.
Several NPCs feature in the game, but in the absence of any character development they're usually reduced to uttering the odd moronic comment that adds nothing to the experience whatsoever. You defeat a seven foot tall monster in a dramatic showdown on the top of a high rise building and all your boss has to say is "That's nice- keep investigating"

This game is a mine of missed opportunities. With its eye for detail, gruesomely imaginative monsters and the odd original touch it could have been something special. Instead with its hate inducing gameplay it's just floating around the 'also rans' league. A real shame.

January 02, 2005

Appeal for Information…...

…....As to the earliest date we can move back into halls, and as to the drill when we get there. Do we collect our keys from one of those nice little tents in the carpark like we did when we first arrived?

December 31, 2004


RPGs, as a general rule, tend to fall into one of two categories. Option A is the classic wizard- grabs- hold- of- ancient- artefact- in- order- to- become- omnipotent- dark overlord. Option B is Bounty-hunter- outcast- teams- up- with- stroppy- damsel in distress to save the world. Congratulations then, to Koudelka, which plumps for option C: Something a bit different.

Set in a sprawling Welsh Monastery and its environs Koudelka offers an atmospheric Gothic horror with classic RPG sensibilities. You play Kouldelka herself, a young mystic drawn to the ruined monastery by the cries of lost souls. In a departure from most feeble female RPG characters, Koudelka is a spiteful, cynical and venomous misanthropist entirely aware of her ‘gift’ and more than willing to demonstrate her superiority over her comrades. Far from being the standard scantily clad blonde, she is spindly and unconventional in her looks. Journeying with her is Edward, a rich brat turned treasure seeker enticed by the rumours of gold and whores at the remote monastery and James, a Catholic bishop and religious zealot sent by the Vatican to retrieve an ancient text stolen by the monastery’s owner. Without proper characterisation these ambivalent protagonists could easily trigger indifference in the gamer, yet it is to the great credit of the producers that that the game manages to make these disparate anti-heroes touching and ultimately likeable.
Koudelka is heavy on dark, intense atmosphere, and the sparse soundtrack- silence punctuated by the hiss of gas lanterns and the creaking of doors is a triumph in enhancing the slowly creeping sense of unease we feel as we pick our way through the beautifully pre-rendered derelict buildings. The foes, encountered on a standard random battle RPG basis, are gruesomely imaginative, from bloated foetuses, to broken-necked corpses, to headless torsos with bloody shards of glass thrust in them.

One of the strongest aspects of Kouldelka is the character dramatisation, which shoots for adult complexity and mostly scores. The scene for example where Koudelka is possessed by the spirit of a torture victim is genuinely frightening. The characters themselves, far from uniting in their common purpose, bicker and argue- Koudelka and Edward condemn James’ tunnel vision and pomposity- James by turn denounces Edward’s greed and Koudelka’s lack of religious conviction. The tragic reasons behind Kouldelka’s misanthropy and James’ blind fanaticism are revealed in a phenomenal four minute sequence which shatters our preconceptions about the characters while managing to be utterly poignant. The game refuses to sell out to video game clichés of love and happy ever afterness in an ending sequence that is almost unbearably heartbreaking- our heroes may have restored peace to the souls at Nematon Monastery, but their own misery and personal demons remain with them.

Technically, the game is well executed. The battle menus are unfussy and logical, the battle action animations mercifully short, and the levelling up system innovative, open-ended and flexible. You start off with the standard brawler, magician and a bit of both characters, but from then on, you can use points to level up any character any way you want, definitely a plus point in my book.

Because the game takes place on a huge, single locale, the game is dominated by lock and door puzzles, long on complexity, but sadly short on foresight. Puzzles should, by rights, suggest solutions, yet we go through the game collecting keys, artefacts and pieces of tablet with a sense that these things might be important but with no indication as to what they actually might do. We progress into the game’s four-disc story, fervently hoping we haven’t missed anything vital, before being presented with a whole sequence of sometimes abstract puzzles that the game appears to expect us to solve by osmosis.

That aside- and even this problem can be circumvented with strategic use of Internet walkthrough guides; Koudelka should be applauded by transcending traditional RPG genres and daring to stand out from the crowd. Pitch black and unique in outlook; this is one innovative treat that deserves not to be missed.

Introducing O3rd…...

It’s amazing what the monotony of the Christmas holidays can do to you. I SHOULD be reading “Die Verlohrene Ehre Katarina Blum” for the first week of next term. What I’m ACTUALLY doing is biographies of my corridor mates. Enjoy.

Edward “It’s NOT Media Studies!!!!!!” Hemming
Course: Film and Literature
Famed for: Writing the “HOW TO” guide to Procrastination
Catchphrase: “DUDE!!”

Jon “WTV” Sharpe
Course: Physics
Famed for: His ability to find the double entendre in ANYTHING
Catchphrase: “BLOG IT!!!!!”

Noah “Bible Hero” Bell
Course: History
Famed for: His mouldy crockery, top kitchen rep that he is. Being a hard Army type. Being decked by Rosemary at the Freshers' Ball.
Catchphrase: Starting every sentence with “(insert name of person) Darling….”

Charles ”Fresh Kind of Madness” Mason
Course: History
Famed for: Being the first person to utter the words “Fresh kind of madness” Being one letter away from being a notorious serial killer.
Catchphrase “It’s a fresh kind of madness!”

Rosemary “Hitchhikers’ Guide” Wheatley
Course: History
Famed for: Picking a fist fight with Noah at the Freshers’ ball
Catchphrase: “It’s RoseMARY!

Alice “Lei ho ma!!” Chen
Course: MORSE
Famed for: Her unusual culinary concoctions. Baked bean noodles anyone?
Catchphrase: Not so much a catchphrase, more random giggling at things.

Meg “Aw, you’re so lovely” Jones
Course: History of Art
Famed for: Being the source of 80% of the Kitchen Wisdom quotes, being cute and nice to everybody.
Catchphrase “Are you naked Charlie?” “I’m soooooooo drunk!”

Course: Maths (we think)
Famed for: It being three weeks before any of us laid eyes on her. We thought her room was vacant.
Catchphrase: She doesn’t speak really. But she wears very nice Disney Character jumpers.

Course: Microbiology
Famed for: His diet, which consists entirely of Ritz crackers and Battenburg. His “Street Mugger” hat which appears to be permanently glued to his head regardless of temperature or weather conditions.
Catchphrase: “ I can’t, I’ve got work to do”

Sonja Willner, honorary Kitchen member
Course: Russian and English, University of Mainz
Famed for: Speaking English better than we can.
Catchphrase” “ScheiBe passiert, aber alles wird gut”

Photos to follow………

December 27, 2004

I have waaaay too much time on my hands….......

Out of sheer boredom, my answers to the "what will you blog about?" list, because I am the sort of person that dutifullhy fills out all those pointless email surveys and sends them to all her friends.

What's the strangest thing you've brought with you to university?

A battery powered Hamster. Not as kinky as it sounds. Rootes won't let me have a real one.

Would you renationalise the railways?  Why (or why not)?

Despite being a raging Tory, I would have to say that I would renationalise. Fragmenting the railway system to the extent it has been fragmented has only served make accountability when things go tits up near as damn it impossible to work out.

Whose thoughts would you most like to read?

Reading the thoughts of men would ensure that I only cock things up some of the time

What have you lost that you'd most like to retrieve?

My sanity. Followed by my crockery.

What's your favourite red thing?.

Everyone should hug a postbox once in a while.

If you had the power, what laws would you make, or change, or repeal?

The laws on mentally ill defendants, in particular the law on insanity. A total bloody nonsense.

What are some things that make you nervous?

The moment when you realise someone's going to kiss you.

What's the best tasting food you've ever eaten?

Gem Squash with oodles of butter. Heaven.

What's your favourite boy's name?  Girl's name?

Josh for a boy, Roberta for a girl

Why did you choose the course you're studying?

Because I'm crap at everything else.

What's on the walls in your room?  Why?

French/German Film posters (pertinent to the course, plus they make me look cultured) 19th Century French Art prints (see above) bits and bobs, postcards from places i've been, flyers, unusual beer coasters- because each and every one is a little part of my personal history.

What item of your friends' would you most like to have for your own?

Meg's 3 in 1 scanner, printer, and copier.

Where will you be in five year's time?

With a bit of luck and a following wind, graduated.

What one thing would you most like to accomplish with your life?

Happiness and contentment.

What's your favourite scary movie?

Saw- well orchestrated shocks, What lies beneath- brilliant psychological thriller.

Who's funnier, Jim Carrey or Bill Murray?

Bill Murray. I prefer deadpan over rampant gurning.

Have you ever been in a school play?  Was it good?  Were you good?

Yes- I was a member of the chorus in a musical called "Hygenia", a stirring and poignant piece about household appliances. Draw your own conclusions.

What's the furthest place you've ever travelled to?

South Africa – my second home :)

Have you ever won a trophy?  What for?

I won "Most Unusual Haircut 2001" at my school yearbook awards.

Name a book you'd recommend to a friend.  Why?

" Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse" by Robert Rankin. Fab title, plus Anyone who can make a seedy detective thriller with nursery rhyme characters as the main protagonists gets my vote.

What's the stupidest thing you've ever done?

Trashed my university Room (I was an Undergrad at the University of Durham at the time). The Uni fined me £500 and suggested I complete my degree elsewhere.

What's your favourite cartoon?  Why?

Lilo and Stitch. Absolutely hilarious. Plus Lilo reminds me of myself as a kid. I was not, as they say, terribly well-adjusted.

Which animal do you most resemble in both appearance and habit?

Hamster. Because of my chubby cheeks and instinctive hoarding.

What mesmerises you?

Those fibre-optic light thingies you get from gadget stores. Great stoner entertainment.

Which other universities did you apply to?  Why did you choose Warwick? Manchester, Nottingham, Birmingham, Reading, Leicester. I wanted to go to Birmingham initially because it's only a 20 minute walk from Edgbaston Cricket ground. My Dad said I probably needed a better reason than that. So I got out a map, a blindfold and a pin, and chose Warwick.

Name something about yourself that people don't expect.

I am a video game geek and ardent county cricket fan.

What's your favourite place on campus?  Why?

Costcutters, the home of Hello Panda! Biscuits

If you won £5 million, how would you spend it?

Buying all the gadgets Apple could throw at me.

If you could invent a piece of technology that would improve your academic life, what would it be and why?

The instant obscure German bullshit translator, for all the stuff Susan Beardmore sets me. "His heavily veined hands were lightly clasped upon his knee" Anyone?

What everyday item is the most well designed? (Fit for purpose and aesthetically pleasing.)

What? (edit: microwave in the bag rice because it's simple and pleasingly squishy)

What's your favourite time of day?  Why?

Sunrise and sunset, because i'm a hopeless romantic.

Describe what you consider to be the most beautiful view in the world.

The view from the top of Chapman's peak, SA. Makes the countryside in Britain look positively banal .

What are your strengths?

My persistence and my ability to bullshit my way through seminars on books i haven't actually read.

What is your favourite artwork on campus?

The revolving white concrete traffic cone on the way to Humanities is a visual treat.

Which issue would make you want to become a politician?

Nothing would induce me to become a politician.

Which union society would you make every other student join?

Ladies' Cricket because it ROCKS!!

What is the best place to live: Leamington, Coventry, Kenilworth or on campus?

Well i'm only in my first year, so it's campus by default really.

Which book has helped you most with your work?

The English translation of Wo Warst Du Adam, possibly the most heavy going work of literature i have ever encountered.

What is the best thing you have done in a seminar?

Likened Jelenik's writing style to the sort of thing I would come out with after a pint of Rohypnol laced Vodka.

What is the best moment you have had in a lecture?

Generally when they finish.

What would convince you to choose a specific career?

Personal experience has made me realise just how important social services are.

Which module would you make compulsory?

German Writers, Media and Society, so everyone can suffer the way I do.

What was your biggest mistake in your first year?

At Durham, getting drunk and throwing up over the JCR President's shoes on my first night.

List your top ten revision tips.

1–10 : Don't slack off too much- 40% is more than you think….....

December 23, 2004

Say What?

'Tis the season to be jolly, and apparently also the season when everyone's coherence goes out of the window. Here are some gems I've come across in Bedford during the vacation:

On a packet of re-writable CDs: "Ideal for use with CD markers and felt-tip pens- Not recommended for use with Inkjet printers (!), CD markers, and felt-tip pens"

A sign on the door of a photo-lab: "We print your T-shirts!!!! Minimum order: 1"

Livery on the back of a van "were on a mission to mission bedfords premier nightclub" [sic]

(This took me about ten minutes to work out. What I think they were trying to say is:
"We're on a mission, to Mission, Bedford's premier nightclub" What a difference punctuation makes.)

Bizarrely, on a bottle of Cusson's "Foam Burst" shower gel : WARNING: NOT TO BE USED AS BATH FOAM. What happens? Does it explode upon contact with bath water? Puzzling, and not a little disturbing.

Finally, an example of crimes against the apostrophe- outside the Bedford branch of the Body Shop earlier this year : "FATHER'S DAY- DAD'S DESERVE BETTER. COME SEE OUR GIFT'S FOR THE MAN IN YOUR LIFE. DEMO'S INSIDE" [sic] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

Regional Slang

I have to admit, this idea is nicked off radio 1, but i thought it might be amusing/interesting to collect examples of regional slang from around the country. Having spent my entire educational career at girls' boarding school, i have to confess I'm not exactly an authority on Bedfordshire vernacular, but here are a few examples to kick off:

Gash: Adjective, meaning 'rubbish' or 'disappointing'
That's a mission: Complaint meaning something takes a long time or a lot of effort to accomplish
Monged: Adjective meaning to be stoned off one's face.

Any other suggestions?

December 19, 2004

80s anti band–aid playlist

Ugh, Band-aid. A bunch of self-serving celebrities who warble teary eyed about the fact "there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas" Like it's the worst of the continent's problems. Yes kids, these people care about the children dying of starvation, AIDS and cholera, but apparently only enough to inflict a frankly terrible song upon us which should have been buried in the 80s. Anyhows, whatever the rights and wrongs of that (and I can here the cries of " But it's for charideeeeeeee " already) Here is my alternative 80s playlist. Yes, the 80s was home to dreadful synth bands and appalling new romantics, but there were a couple of diamonds among the shit. In no particular order:

1. What difference does it make? The Smiths
2. Rock the Casbah The Clash
3. Golden Brown The Stranglers
4. How soon is now? The Smiths
5. Nine While Nine The Sisters of Mercy
6. Cry Little Sister Gerard McCann (Incidentally, The Lost Boys, from whose soundtrack this is taken, is a top film)
7. Strange Little Girl The Stranglers
8. Epic Faith No More
9. Love Will Tear Us Apart Joy Division
10.Love and Pride King

I'm sure there's more i can think of, but having the attention span of a goldfish with ADD i've got a bit bored of making lists. Feel free to add your own cheeseless 80s classics if you find yourself in a similar state of introspective boredom.

Bah friggin' Humbug

Hope everyone's okay, enjoying christmas, and not
running around like a headless chicken as my poor
long-suffering mother appears to be doing. Dad's
insisting that we have christmas dinner in the dining
room, meaning that the ceiling high piles of
accumalated junk in there have to be sorted then
shifted. What is he doing to assist in this mammoth
task? He's watching the cricket. Groovy.

Having been more or less shielded from the glitter, tat, and the in
your-faceness of the British festive season, here on the
isolated British colony of the University of Warwick,
it's been quite a shock to return and have to jostle,
elbow and kung-fu my way through the throngs of
Christmas shoppers to buy whatever crap is still
remaining on the shelves for my expectant family. If I
see another farting santa i may be forced to commit an
act of violence. Bah frigging Humbug.

Meanwhile, my grandad's decided he's got Parkinson's disease. He
hasn't, it's just that the bloke down the road's got
it and he felt a bit left out. He claims that his
hands have started shaking all of a sudden, which of
course has absolutely nothing to do with the copious
quantities of whiskey he drinks and the fact he's
ninety. At least they're going to my uncle's in Wales
this year, which of course means we miss out on my grandad
having a tot of whiskey too many and coming up with outrageous
conversation stoppers (Last year's classic- "What have the Jews ever done for us?")

Meanwhile, while everybody else is sitting down to watch the Sound of Music or the Wrong Trousers on Christmas Eve, my father will be getting us into the Christmas spirit by making us watch "The Witchfinder General" a cheerful little film involving depictions of rape, execution by burning, and a denouement involving an axe and several members of Cromwell's army. Peace on Earth and Goodwill to All Men.

All that remains for me really is apologise for the shit formatting of this piece and to wish my lovely O3rd contemporaries a fab Christmas and a successful New Year. Roll on Jan 4th!!

Resident Evil Outbreak– Game Review

Sigh the law of diminishing returns strikes again as this millionth foray into the nightmarish world of Raccoon City spectacularly fails to live up to expectations. It all starts off promisingly, with a selection of no less than 8 playable characters. Granted, the game is not completely able to resist the temptation to employ hackneyed action game clichés in this respect-the muscle-bound super cop and the gruff Vietnam vet are all present and correct- but what is a nice touch is the ordinary everyman qualities of the other 6 characters, amongst others a plumber, a shy university student and a subway worker. What is also refreshing is the ability to improvise with regard to weapons. Don't fancy taking down the legions of the dead with an automatic pistol? Try a toilet brush instead!
Sadly, that's where the plus points end. Resident Evil Outbreak started off as an online multi player game that metamorphosed back into a standard single player game in the latter stages of development. Boy does it show. You are forced to share your adventure with two other computer controlled characters with the most moronic AI I have ever come across. Scream in frustration as you are forced for the squillionth time to prise them from the jaws of marauding zombies! Cry with agony as they run in circles with an unloaded and therefore completely useless weapon! Weep with exasperation as they stand like lemons while you become hors d' oeuvres for the living dead! Your interactions with these computer generated retards is restricted to a handful of random phrases triggered by the right analogue stick-that's right gamers, just a flick of the wrist and your character can bleat "Help" "Come here" and "Thank you". Excuse me while I fail to get excited.

Another problem is the singular lack of story telling or explanation. I started off as Yoko, the university student in scenario one in a downtown Raccoon City bar with a waitress and a cop as my "buddies", then found myself in an underground research facility in scenario two with two completely different computer controlled comrades and absolutely no explanation as to why I was there, how I got there, the significance of the locale, how I related to the other two characters, and how I managed to lose the cop and the waitress in the process. It wouldn't matter so much that the scenarios were self contained and didn't link together if there was some sort of back story to flesh each one of them out, or at the very least a vague explanation of what's going on, but there just isn't- you are literally dumped in a random locale with 2 random people and left to get on with it. You wonder around picking up a wrench here and a gun there with no idea as to why you're doing all of this, least of all why you should care and many of the cutscenes only serve to confuse- one such case is when the game introduces a NPC called Monica, and then just doesn't bother to explain her any further. It renders the whole process arbitrary and completely pointless.

It’s also disappointing that the developers can’t think of anything approaching an original predicament to test us as gamers. Downtown Raccoon city? Underground research lab? Stop me if it sounds familiar…
The controls are fiddly and the menu system shockingly sloppy. As part of the game you will find yourself having to combine two items to create one modified item in order to progress the story. Problem is, that the game doesn't pause when you call up the menu, so while you're attempting to combine a detonator handle with some dynamite you're being slaughtered without being able to do a damn thing about it. In addition, after x amount of years developing the Resident Evil Franchise, Capcom still hasn't twigged that we gamers would find things rather less vexing if the concept of "using a weapon" and "moving" weren't mutually exclusive. Add to this a ridiculously limited inventory (4 slots including whatever weapon you happen to be carrying and you have a game that’s more likely to have you tearing your hair out with sheer frustration than wetting your pants with fright.

But the bad news doesn’t stop there folks. Astronomical loading times aside, the graphics are dogged with the sort of flaws that make the architects of the Millennium Bridge look competent. Gasp as your weapon disappears into a wall! Swoon as your characters dissolve into one another when climbing ladders! Forgive me if I speak out of turn, but shouldn’t we be expecting just a little more graphically from a series that’s already onto its 4th sequel proper?

It appears that Capcom have taken a huge gamble-that the Resident Evil name alone will sucker us into somehow overlooking the fact that this is a game that is sloppy and half assed in its execution, and criminally lacking in originality or atmosphere. For the first time in all my years as a gamer I was actually compelled to take this game back and get a refund. Give it a wide berth.

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