All entries for Monday 21 November 2005
November 21, 2005
For anyone who is wondering, the title of my blog today comes from one of tonight's many episodes of Coronation Street. I don't normally watch this, but decided there was nothing else on while i wanted to settle down with my wedge of toffee cake… in fact i'm glad i stuck with it, at least it has made me realise that things could be worse in a lot of ways… and that quote just sums it all up perfectly…
I was listening to Robbie earlier, and the words to Something Beautiful really hit me today…
"If you can't wake up in the morning
Cause your bed lies vacant at night
If you're lost, hurt, tired or lonely
Can't control it, try as you might"
"All your friends think you're satisfied
But they can't see your soul no, no, no"
Just thought that hit the nail on the head pretty well… i'm just left waiting for something beautiful to come my way.
Haven't written an entry since my friends left, so i think it's time for a brief update… Saturday was indeed the big night out we had planned… in fact it was fucking huge in all the wrong ways. I ended up getting incredibly drunk and doing and saying things that did not need to be done or said. True, they had been there in my head for some time, but they did not need to be expressed. It blatantly was not going to produce the kind of results i wanted, but i was too drunk to realise what the hell i was doing, and it's produced a pretty shit mess and a lot of upsetness.
Waking up on Sunday was one of those moments when you just want the earth to swallow you up so that you'll never have to face anyone again. Unfortunately that was not an option… i was hungover as hell yesterday, my ears were still ringing, and some arse had trodden on my foot so it now feels like there's a hole through it (naturally i don't remember that happening though…). I don't remember much actually, obviously i can imagine what happened, but the tiny details of words used etc are missing, and can never be retrieved.
Even after all our visitors had left yesterday, i couldn't face the massive clear up mission that was waiting for me, and i just didn't want to face up to the issues in my head. I ended up wasting a lot of time, but i did have a long chat with Chris, who was absolutely lovely, as usual, and sent me many hugs and helpful comments. After everyone else had gone to bed i started talking to Lewis as well (an old ex-boyfriend who is still a great friend of mine), he was just as worried and sent me hugs, saying all the right things again…
Eventually went to bed at about 4 am, then was woken up by banging around in the house and loud male voices this lunchtime, followed by Shed knocking on my door to announce the fucking plumber was here. Our shower has been dripping for weeks, and this is the bloody day the plumber comes… amazingly i felt absolutely no better today, in fact i looked even worse, if that was possible. I have finally started cleaning up (all my sick from various places around my room, landing, and bathroom – you really needed to know that didn't you?? yes, i was THAT drunk!) and general sorting out from the chaos after having 2 other girls sleeping on my floor over the weekend. I'm starting to get straight now. However, i still haven't started my essay. This is the assessed essay due in on Wednesday. The same essay i meant to start on Thursday so that it was under way by the time my friends came, then thought it was ok, cos i could start after they left on Sunday. Ha. Then thought, it's ok, i've got all of Monday and Tuesday. Yep, just like usual, no matter how hard i try and plan otherwise, i now have just the one day to do the bloody wanker. And my head is at such a good place to concentrate on Greek Tragedy, obviously. This makes for an interesting essay…
Bollocks to the world. That's all that needs to be said.