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October 07, 2005
Holly's discussion of the appallingness of Virgin trains reminds me that I once promised to detail my own favourite experience of the Great British Rail system.
I sit, forlornly, on a Virgin train which would have been more aptly named 'rid-out old slapper gasping for her last breath' and wait for the 'cows on the line' delay message to be changed to something equally unintelligible and unlikely. I am dressed in mourning; in fact, ladies and gentlemen, I am on my way to a funeral. Trusting the English rail service to get me there was my first mistake. A small child approaches me and sits in the seat next to mine. His disgusting, herpes-ridden chav mother looks on in glee a few seats away.
Small child: 'Why are you wearing black? You look like a big black monkey.'
Me: 'Oh… ha ha ha… Er…'
Small child: 'I like watching TV and eating burgers and I can count to thirty and I live over there.'
Small child: 'Why are you wearing black? Are you a boy or a girl? Why are you wearing black? OnetwothreefourfivesixsevenEIGHTNINETENELEVEN -'
Me: 'Yes, very good.'
At this point, aforementioned child becomes bored with my unresponsiveness and so begins hitting me. I endure this for a few moments.
Me: 'Please stop that.'
The child begins to scream.
Me (to ugly mother): Excuse me, could you please ask your child to go and sit with you? I'm not really in the mood.'
The mother now launchs into one of the greatest tirades against me, or anyone else, I have ever heard. Unfortunately, the details escape me at the moment, as I was not a little shocked by this outcome. It resulted in the following...
Ugly mother: 'If you don't like him, go and sit somewhere else!
Me: 'Well, all right then.'
As I resignedly rose and moved towards another carriage, no doubt muttering under my breath about the hideousness of middle England, this harpy actually got out of her seat, chased after me and PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. No joke...full-on punched me in the face. What a bastard.
Mind you, the Northern Irish service isn't much better. Apparently, Belfast now has a 'Metro' system. 'What's that?', I hear you ask. 'Has an underground tube system been constructed, or perhaps a monorail?' No such luck. They've just stuck 'Metro' stickers on the sides of all the buses.