All 6 entries tagged Art School

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May 27, 2005

Eim's art school: LESSON SIX

well now, i've not done one of these in a long time. okay, so today's lesson is on Minimalism. now, Minimalism was an artistic movement originating in America in the 1960s, based around the principle that a work of art could be reduced to a minimum number of colours, values, shapes, lines and textures, without the necessity of extra-textual symbolic meaning. unfortunately, it was an irredeemable load of old pap, and nobody liked it, apart from holly cruise.

April 21, 2005

eim's art school: LESSON FIVE

today's lesson will address that contentious issue of cubism. cubism was an artistic movement which developed in the early twentieth century under the influence of picasso and cezanne. the basic theory behind it was that the sphere, cone and cylinder were the basis for all physical formations and that every aspect of the subject presented could be seen at once with the appropriation of multiple points of view, if you will. cubism had run its course by the end of the first world war, but its influence could be felt throughout twentieth-century art.

unfortunately, it was a total pile of piss.

April 13, 2005

eim's art school: LESSON FOUR

lesson four will be centred mostly around the suckitude of claude monet.

monet's paintings look variously like my own vision of the world during a particularly severe migraine…

…and like a big old pile of puke…

tonight's homework is to determine which painting makes you feel more nauseous – monet's 'waterlilies' or van gogh's 'sunflowers.'

April 12, 2005

eim's art school: LESSON THREE

alrite, pupils, i hope you're sitting comfortably. today's art lesson will be on wassily kandinsky. now, kandinsky really sucks balls, and his paintings should be exhibited nowhere other than pizza hut. look at one of them for just a moment:

do you see that it sucks? good. your homework is to try and tell the difference between kandinsky and his equally sucky counterpart miro:

what a mess!

good luck with that.
holly cruise, i await your reponse!

April 01, 2005

Eim's art school: LESSON TWO

god, i'm in the learning grid, ALONE, and i will be here until 2am, so if anyone fancies paying me a visit, please do. anyway, at least i can get some SERIOUS WORK DONE while i'm here. hmmm…

anyway, here's lesson two of my art school.
'the kiss' by gustav klimt absolutely and utterly sucks. look at for a moment.

do you see how badly it sucks? good, i'm glad we understand each other.

March 31, 2005

eim's art school – LESSON ONE

that's right, dearest reader! over the next few weeks / until i get fed up / until i am threatened with legal action, i will be using my vastly educated mind to present you with a comprehensive understanding of ART in all of its multifarious forms. i'm going to start off with an easy lesson…

Lesson One: Determining the Difference between Magritte and Matisse

okay, i know that you've got them mixed up, and how embarrassing that can be at a dinner party! so i'm going to make it simple for you. magritte is the one who's a great painter, matisse really sucks. you got it? here are some sample pictures to illustrate..

Matisse: rubbish

Magritte: ace

Matisse: rubbish

Magritte: ace

you get it now, rube? ah? ah? you get it??

tune in next time to learn about the italian masters!

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